Post # 1
I have previously posted about my issues with my mom. FYI, we used to have a great relationship and I live at home with my family. Also, she is a single mother so we have a tiny family of 4 (including myself). Before I began dating my fiance I was very attached to my mom. We did a lot of things together and she mainly relies on her children for friendship.
My mom liked my fiancé a lot and was very thrilled with the engagement. I felt very happy to know everything was going well. I would spent most of my free time with him…mainly at my mom’s house. Well that didn’t go well because she felt left out, lonely and replaced. I compromised and attempted to do more one-on-one outings with her. Btw, I have a curfew too.
Unfortunately, there is more tension everyday and we barely even speak. My fiancé is no longer welcome home. When he stops by she barely even acknowledges him. She recently realized that I don’t value her hard work and the college education she provided because I am going to marry someone not good enough for me. She won’t discuss anything related to the wedding. I am excluded from family outings and she makes it a point to express only her and my sisters are going out. She still feels lonely and replaced so now she refers to our neighbor as her daughter and they hang out a lot. Idk I think she is looking for a replacement daughter or wants to make me feel as if I have been replaced.
All of these events make me feel very depressed. I love my mom very much and wish things would slightly go back to normal. But with each passing day we just become more distant. She just picks fights with me about nonsense. I wanna make her happy and feel loved. I feel that she confuses love with a lot of quality time. It’s hard to provide a lot of one-on-one when I have a full-time job and part time school. At the same time, I wanna enjoy my relationship and create a family. I’ve realized that no matter who I date I will probably deal with the same issues. I think she feels she is losing me and that is why she is acting up. On the other hand, I feel like my mom’s antics and issues are only separating us more. I am very sad because I have an emotional absent mother. The solution is to move out but I know that will just deteriorate our relationship further. I want to stick around to try to amend our relationship and hopefully make the best out of these last months at home with my family. But at the same time I don’t want to deal with this type of stress and tension.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Post # 3
You staying or leaving will not make a difference.
Shes happy to have you and your sisters right where she likes you. So, this is a threat to her current reality.
In time really, she will accept it or you will have to talk to her and tell her that while you’re not replacing her, you cannot be her social life.
Continue with your plans, try to include her if you can and try not to low her to make you feel bad about starting your life.
Post # 4
I don’t mean to sound harsh but it sounds like your mother is being very immature.
It seems to me that she is feeling replaced by your Fiance, so she is going out of her way to make you feel replaced by someone else as well.
Best case, this can be solved with a simple sit down and talk to her.
Most extremem case, I would suggest family counseling. This is something that needs to be nipped in the bud.
I feel for you, I am EXTREMELY close to my mother, especially so since I am an only child. I don’t know what I would do if she and my DH didn’t get along… it would be a horrible situation to be in. Hugs!
Post # 5
We have attempted to have heart to heart discussions in which I have told her she is not being replaced/abandoned. We even talked to our pastor about our problems and he told her that she needs to accept my future life and that she needs to be more supportive with me. I thought it was a neutral opinion. My mom said his opinion was pre-arranged by me to. Within the last month she told me she needs psychological help. I tried to set up the appointment and she said that if I thought the shrink would get rid of my problems then I am wrong. She has a non-cooperative approach when it comes to dealing with the real issues. She has mainly been focusing her energy and arguments on insignificant matters. I highly doubt she would want to attend family counseling.
Post # 6
You can not reason with an unreasonable person. She is being unreasonable, I am not however, judging her as it seems to be painful for her to “lose” you. I like how pp said her reality is being rocked. I have a very unreasonable mom who took my engagement hard and made things very hard for us. She made me cry so much in the beginning and after awhile I was able to let it go, stand up to her and set her straight. It took awhile though. Once I stood up to her ( and my sister gave her a piece of her mind) she got over it…for the most part. Hugs to you, be strong and TRY not to let her take this happy time away from you. Trust me I know it is so much easier said than done!
Post # 7
Your Mother sounds as though she needs to ‘cut the apron strings’.
Her happiness should not be fully dependant on having you around/ having your attention all the time, this is co-dependance, and is not healthy.
Post # 8
She will eventually get over it so don’t give in to her bad behavior.
Post # 9
You need to have a serious talk with her; there will be tears, but it’s necessary.
When a mother questions your choice of a partner, you need to try to understand what her worries are, and whether she’s right or wrong. If you are 100% confident about your FH, then she just has to deal with it. And as harsh as this may sound, make it clear to her that your husband will always come first, as parental intrusion may severly damage a marriage.
Update: I just read your second post on this thread, and I now am convinced that you are right, and she isn’t. Try to picture the hardships of her infancy, and you may find clues as to why she acts the way she does… I’ve done this with my parents in the past, and it worked (I wasn’t able to “change” them, but I was able to accept them).