Post # 1
This is my first time posting in weddingbee. It’s a LONG one but maybe some of you can relate.
I just wanted to take this opportunity to vent and get some feedback/support about the situation that I am in right now. My fiance and I have been dating for many years (since I was in high school), and even through college and graduate school, our relationship has remained solid in spite of our ups and downs. Although marriage is something that we have always expected out of our relationship, we never seriously talked about getting married because we were focused on getting careers started and becoming more financially stable. Out of the blue, he proposed to me in May and I was shocked, thrilled, and excited…so was my entire family. I come from a very traditional family where marriage comes before living together, so they were glad that we were doing things “the right way.” After so many years, they already considered my fiance as one of their own, so I thought there would be no problem.
Fast forward 6 months, and things are getting more and more complicated between my Fiance and my family. Prior to the engagement, my Fiance was experiencing some financial woes and this has added a lot of stress to the wedding planning process. We agreed to split things between him, myself, and my family. My mom has been helping me plan the wedding and is a tremendous help, but my fiance thinks that she’s trying to control everything, even though he himself is too “stressed” to help out in anyway. I feel like I can’t talk to him about how much things cost or the budget because he immediately shuts down and thinks everything is too expensive (even though I’m presenting him the most affordable options I can find). I keep reminding him that we’re getting help from my family, but he thinks that paying for anything is extra is making us “financially irrresponsible.” Although I’m trying to find the joy in planning this wedding, it feels like I’m forcing him to be part of this whole process and now it’s causing me to resent him. I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything because I don’t want to stress him out. We try to communicate, but he always feels like I’m attacking him. There are times when I just feel like telling him to grow up and be a man about it, and deep down it feels like our relationship is growing more cold and crumbling apart.
My parents see that I’m unhappy and stressed and have noticed that he has been more distant with everyone. Now its to the point where they feel he’s being disrespectful and trying to sabotage this special day. My family is starting to prophesize that this is not a good start to a marriage. They are worried that he will burden me with his financial situation and that he’s not trying hard enough to make me happy. They’re starting to make comments that he is “beneath me”, which is hurtful and sad. Even though I try to defend him, I know they are looking out for my best interest.
All of this has caused me to feel trapped between wanting to please my Fiance and family and now it’s making me second guess everything. I know that this is no reason to call things off, but I don’t know if any of you have been through this. If so, please advise on what has helped/not helped in your situation. THank you for reading this long post!!!
Post # 3
Sounds like everyone in this situation is just a little stressed. First of all you and your Fiance need to sit down and really discuss what you both are wanting/expecting from your wedding. Secondly you need to set a firm budget that you are both comfortable with. Thirdly you need to make sure that any arguments that you and your Fiance have about the financial aspect of your wedding planning remain between you two and not your family, vent to your family about problems with vendors and such but not about money. Once you and your Fiance are on the same page about what you invision for your big day things will start to get easier, remember you two are a team and you need to work together to achieve your goals. Money always brings out the worst in people and if you and your Fiance decide and stick to a budget you will find that things will get easier.
Post # 4
Have you thought about not doing the big wedding thing? Maybe have a small ceremony and nice dinner somewhere with immediate family? If you want to be married to this man and finances are stressful for him- maybe it would be feasible to not do the big wedding thing and focus on something more intimate.
However, if you want a wedding you should have one. He needs to put on his man pants though. I think it’s time for a serious conversation in that case- he’s part of the wedding.
As an aside, you can’t let your family say things like that even if they’re looking out for your best interest. You need to put your foot down and squash behavior like this. It’s going to cause a rift between your fiance and family. That’s a horrible way to start out a marriage.
Post # 5
I think you should meet each other half way, but both of you need to make a real effort. First, he needs to understand that your intentions aren’t to bleed your savings dry with the wedding and you really are making a huge effort to keep expenses down. Second, he has to understand how his comments or silence is making you feel while you are trying to plan the most important day of your lives. You should agree on a budget that will be followed no matter what, even if it means cutting out something like flowers or a DJ. And he has to agree to be more positive and helpful/involved instead of taking a backseat and being critical of everything that’s presented to him.
Definitely have a heart to heart with him and make sure you both get a chance to express your emotions to each other.
Post # 6
If he has a lot of financial problems, maybe everything wedding related is too expensive for him. If he is worrying about how to pay the bills, it’s probably overwhelming to him when you start talking about floral costs and stuff. Have you had a good long discussion with him about the extent of these financial problems? You say that your parents are worried that he will burden you with his financial situation. His finances should be between the two of you–there’s no need for his parents to be involved. However, they are correct in that once you are married, any financial problems he has are about to become yours as well.
Post # 7
I’d say first come up with a budget. Sit down with him and see how much he thinks certain things should cost, or how much he can afford to put towards the wedding. Then go from there. Figure out which things are important to the both of you.
If you’re the one managing the budget, then try to keep money out of the conversation especially if it stresses him out. As long as you’re presenting him with the most affordable options, I’m not sure it’s necessary to tell him how much everything costs down to the last dollar. Try to keep “extras” at a minimum, but if he raises an issue with any of your choices, simply tell him that this is what weddings entail and cost.
Most men don’t like to spend too much on weddings anyway, and I can understand how it’d be especially stressful for your guy. He may want to give you all the best, but simply cannot reasonably afford it. He probably feels rather bad that your parents are having to chip in as well. Give him a big hug, tell him everything will be fine and that you won’t come out of this in the poor house. Let him know you’re just as concerned about the budget as he is.
Post # 8
Men put a lot of pressure on themselves when it comes to finances and their future marriages, supporting a family etc. I suggest you have a good heart to heart with him about how this financial situation is making him feel. Is the situation triggering feelings of inadequacy etc in him? Find out what’s really going on with him underneath the budgeting and wedding expenses. Then have a good talk about what the two of you are comfortable with spending on your wedding.