(Closed) Depressed fiance. Just need to vent .

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My Fiance has depression too – I posted about it recently and had some realy supportive comments from other Bees. And I have had some really similar experiences.

He used to hit a low twice a year and would pretty much disappear (even after we started to live together). He wouldn’t respond to me, often ignoring me completely or giving one word answers. Over time, we have learnt to communicate a bit better during these periods. Until this year, he wouldn’t acknowledge that I loved (or even liked) him, which made trying to help him pretty difficult.

Most of the time, we have a great relationship and I can’t imagine life without him. Like you, I sometimes worry about what could happen…

Our situation has changed but hasn’t been sorted out yet, so I don’t know how much help and advice I can give you 🙂 But I would encourage you to get him to see a professional if he will. And continue to love him as long as he will let you – this is the theory I am currently working on.

Lots of love

Post # 4
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

If you can find a therapist that you are comfortable with, you might start out with him/her, then start couples sessions, and branch out into sessions just for your Fi.  It can be expensive, so make sure you use insurance if you can. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. (((hug)))

Post # 5
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh, and on how to look after yourself – I have one friend at work who knows enough about the situation to lend a listening ear and a supportive hand when needed. I also have a friend who’s known me a very long time and knows my Fiance well too. In the early days, I occassionally appeared on their doorstep in floods of tears so they know the situation too. I wish I could explain it properly to other people but it’s not their business and would probably sound like I was making excuses for FI’s behaviour. I hope you have one understanding and trustworthy person who can support you and not judge – it’s what keeps me sane! But it is inevitable that I feel down, stressed and worried when he is depressed and I’m sure you find the same.

Post # 6
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@shyviolette: He really, really needs to go to counseling and possibly take medication. This isn’t fair on you or him. Good for you for recognizing this problem and taking steps to help it. I don’t normally recommend ultimatums, but in this case, I would recommend saying to him, “It really hurts me to see you this way, and it’s not fair on either of us. In order for our relationship to work, I need you to go to counseling regularly because this can, and will get better but it won’t get better if you don’t get help.”

I’d recommend doing research into a therapist nearby who you can afford (or who’s covered by your insurance, whatever), giving him the name and phone number of the person, sitting with him until he calls them to make an appointment. A lot of the time, people who are depressed feel hopeless and apathetic and can’t bring themselves to seek out help. You can provide the push he needs to see a therapist, which hopefully will help address the root problem.

Post # 7
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Depression is a serious illness and should be treated as such.  Get him to a doctor and have him diagnosed.  Medication will make a world of difference and he should be on it before he starts any kind of counselling.  A very dear friend of mine struggled for years with depression and anxiety, and I was often very worried abaout suicide or the like.  She saw a medical doctor for what she thought was just heartburn, and turned out to be acid reflux due to stress, and he assessed her and immediately put her on a very low dose of antidepressants (want to say zoloft?) and she saw immediate results.  Her seratonin levels were so low the doc said she would never recover on her own.  SInce then she has had to adjust her dosages up for a time, and has slowly been reducing over the last few months.  I cannot tell you how wonderful the change in her is.  She is HAPPY, positive, loving her life. 

Do your Fiance a favour and help him get professional help.  All the counselling in the world may not fix what’s broken right now because it’s likely not just mental, it’s chemical.  There is no shame in seeking help, and depression is not something a person can just “fix” on their own.

Post # 8
Member
44 posts
Newbee

@Shyviollete- TaketheReins is 100% right- depression is an illness- an illness outside of his or your control, and he NEEDS to see a medical professional to get help. The question is, how do you make him get help? In my experience, you need to be direct.

My Fiance has struggled with depression his entire life, too. He’s in the military, so at first he refused to get help, as getting help, to him, was “a sign of weakness.” For some reason, his suffering was not enough to get him to talk to his doctor. I was patient, and kind, and caring- but that only seemed to enable his thoughts that he didn’t need to get help. And also, if you’re depressed, it’s hard to imagine that someone COULD help you.

I finally sat him down and essentially said, “I love you more than anything on this planet, but if we’re going to make this work, you have to take care of YOU. I refuse to sit here and watch you suffer when you’re choosing not to do anything about it. This is taking a big toll on me, and I need you to make an appointment with your doctor and talk to him about it.”

He was kind of stunned, but what could he say? End of conversation.

He’s been on medication for the past 2 years, and he has his life back. Don’t forget that he CAN be helped and things CAN get better!! Good luck to you and your FI!!

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