Post # 1
Hey everyone! Long time no post!
I just need a little vent tonight, just some good advice from the awesome boards here. Hubby has not been very happy with his job of two years the past few months. While I knew this, I did not know he was DEPRESSED. He told me today he was depressed from work.
He has not been the nicest to me lately, and I am curious if this has any correlation to his unhappiness at work. Last night was the first time we had sex in two weeks (unusual for us) but I had an accident at work and started my period right after. He mentioned my weight after sex. REALLY?! Why right after sex?!? I have been bulking (lifting weights and gaining muscle and also fat) so when I cut for summer my body looks lean. He also told me that he hasn’t been talkative lately or in the mood not only because of depression and my weight gain, but also because of my lack of interest in “anything he considers beautiful” like an old book that he read recently and my lack of interest in his friends.
The man makes fun of me for reading anything that isn’t a classic. Well excuse me, I like to read modern day lit and it makes me happy, so who cares what I read? It keeps me out of trouble and makes me happy! I don’t see why I need to defend what I am reading. The man has not picked up a single book in the six years I have been with him. He just recently got into audio books. To me this is instigating. There is no point of this argument other than instigation.
He has his friends come over once a week sometimes and they watch guy movies and drink beers. I’m happy doing my own thing. I don’t want to watch guy movies after I get home from work. I would rather do something else.
These reasons begin why he is upset with me boggles my mind. It seems pointless. He is nitpicking and I’m getting sick of it. I am TRYING to be supportive during this time, but I can’t take much more unnecessary critique because I’m not doing what he wants me to do. Any suggestions? I already texted him pissed off today and he hasn’t responded. We are supposed to be looking into a house and now he’s upset and won’t update me on the house, of course. I don’t really want to have to deal with this when he gets home. I’d just like to relax when I am home. I deal with enough crap at work!
Post # 2
He’s being an asshole and using his “depression” as an excuse. I have no real advice but just want to let you know that this isn’t on you- it’s his behaviour that’s shitty and thats on him to control.
Post # 3
Doesn’t sound like clinical depression to me and it’s pretty offensive to people who do have depression in their lives that your husband is using that as a scapegoat for acting like a jerk…
Sounds to me like it’s time he gets called out.
Post # 4
If his behavior is not the norm for your relationship, than something is bothering him. The thing is, a person can’t feel an emotion and not express it. It’s going to be expressed in words and/or action. He needs to get to the root of what’s really wrong so that it can be remedied. I will tell you that I firmly believe that misery on a job will/can spill over into other aspects of ones life.
Post # 5
My ex-H used to use depression as an excuse for being hyper critical. He didn’t like my weight, what I ate, what I watched, what I read, how clean I kept the house – nitpick, nitpick, nitpick.
It wore me down to the point that I felt useless and not good enough for anyone. It took a long time for me to start gaining any sort of self confidence back. Don’t let him break you down.
Post # 6
Yup 100% agree.
Until you have truly been depressed (diagnosed by a doctor) you just can not comprehend what it truly means to feel depressed. And it’s really crappy when people use it as an excuse when they aren’t actually depressed.
OP- take the hubby to a doctor- if he’s depressed get him on anti-depressants. If he’s not, you know for sure he’s just a jerk.
Post # 7
agreed. Fi has depression and is not a jerk. You should have him see a doctor and a therapist.
Post # 8
If he isn’t normally like this then no he isn’t a jerk. If he was always saying these things then yep asshole but if it’s a personality change then this will be tied to depression. When I was depressed I was horrible to the people I loved. I’d lash out and say the most awful things and not even realise half The time. The other half I just wanted company in my misery. He needs to go and speak to a doctor about this and you need to speak to him about how you understand he’s depressed but you need him to stop lashing out at you and it’s not your fault. There is a reason a lot of relationships dont survive depression. It’s very hard on the spouse.
Post # 9
There’s a difference between being depressed and having clinical depression. Everyone gets depressed at times, that’s totally normal. Clinical depression is when those feelings of being depressed are unshakeable, and impact your day to day life. He really should talk to a professional if these feelings are impacting his job, and your marriage. Even if he doesn’t have depression, a therapist can help him work through his issues, and help him learn how to cope with them.
Post # 10
I disagree with others here that say that he is just being a “jerk”. While this may be the case people with mental illness sometimes see things in black and white there is no grey and compassion and empathy are hard for them. My husband suffers from mental illness and he has struggled with this before. The best thing you can do if he truly is suffering from some sort of mental illness is help him to seek some treatment and go to some counseling together.
Post # 11
Beware of people who want you to be miserable when they aren’t happy. In fact, I would venture to say that this is one of the worst qualities a partner could have. To me, this has nothing to do with depression but it’s simply a character flaw.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy
Having friends over every week for drinks and fun doesn’t sound very much like “depression” to me. Take him to a therapist to sort out what’s really going on so he can be treated if it’s a clinical issue or get some insight into his behavior and guide him toward something more constructive for your relationship.
Post # 13
This does not sound like depression to me. I would prioritize your relationship before house hunting.
Post # 14
There’s a difference between depressed and unhappy. He’s unhappy and he’s making you miserable. Criticizing what you read is idiotic and I’d tell him that he needs to get himself together and find a new job and stop taking it out on you.
Post # 15
I would hold off on house hunting until you get to a better spot in the relationship. It’s stressful and a mess if things go really wrong and you need to sell.