(Closed) Depressed husband wont seek help

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: What should I do about my husband's refusal to get help for depression?

    Just try to keep encouraging him and hope his confidence grows - he hasn't been depressed THAT long

    Go behind his back and tell his mom or our priest how he has been feeling - maybe they have ideas

    Give him an ultimatum that he has to try to get help because it is unfair to me

    Other (Explain)

  • Post # 3
    2409 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    newwifeneedsadvice:  oh god. He needs therapy and additional support for sure. 

    But as I’m learning with my Fiance you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. 

    you also need support As well but it sounds like you recognize this. 

    ask him if he would fail to seek and comply with treatment if he were diagnosed with cancer, or meningitis or Whatnot. 

    If he is willing to get treatment then, hopefully he will see how similar mental health issues are to physical health issues. 


    Post # 4
    19 posts

    I feel like you need to get a job ASAP so he can take some time off of work . Work any where,  don’t be choosy. I see you two got married in September,  so you’ve taken a big financial hit in the last few months.  He’s probably afraid to take time off because logically, what will you do for money? You both most likely have student debts too.

    Also,  people get better with support and you haven’t said what you’re doing on your part to help him.  Actively find information OUTSIDE of your family or church family. He sounds embarrassed of his illness, it’s not your decision to tell people you know.  I think you have to do more research into this illness.  Good luck. 

    Post # 5
    118 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2006

    View original reply
    newwifeneedsadvice:  as a survivor of clinical depression I can tell you that he needs help. it might not be terrible enough now to be sucidal but one day he might snap. Antidepressents can help curve his episodes. Also therapy! 

    I would definitely tell him it’s not fair to you and he needs to get help or you can’t live like this forever. 

    Post # 6
    2066 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    If he doesn’t think counseling is for him, why not try some self help books or online programs? Google Dr. Clare Weeks’ books..I think they’re amazing, and there’s a program based on her teachings called the Freedom From Fear Group.

    Obviously whatever works, but just to let you know that counseling isn’t the only option if he doesn’t feel comfortable with that. I can see where he’s coming from..I was having a tough time in my teens and counseling didn’t help at all.. I think for some people it’s difficult to talk to a complete stranger about your problems. 

    I’d also suggest that you look for a job ASAP which would allow your husband to take time off work and pursue hobbies. I also don’t think you should talk about this with people inside your family our people you know.. it should be his own personal decision to share this with whomever he feels comfortable sharing with.

    You could try and tell him that he needs to be kinder towards himself…it sounds like he’s being incredibly hard on himself. If you’re kind to yourself, you get kindness back from yourself.. just like if you’re kind to others, you get kindness back. Sounds like he needs to be more forgiving towards himself, kinder towards himself, more patient and more loving with himself. Try and tell him that.. he may need to hear it a lot for it to actually sink in.

    Post # 7
    2066 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    By the way, I definitely don’t think you should give him an ultimatum. I’ve been depressed as well in the past, and nothing is more depressing than hearing about how you’re making others suffer by being depressed. It’s exactly the kind of thing that makes you want to go and kill yourself..because you feel like you’re letting everyone down and they’d all be better off without you.

    I would do the opposite – reassure him, be patient and encouraging but not patronizing, if he’s dead-set against counselling get him some self-help books and focus on distracting him from work with hobbies and things that he enjoys. 

    If you do end up giving him an ultimatum, it shouldn’t be ”because it’s not fair to you” (even if that’s true), it should be ”because you love him and he deserves to be happy”. 

    Post # 8
    3078 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    if he isn’t comfortable going to a therapist he can go to his regular doctor and discuss it with him.  Maybe get some medication prescribed – it could get him on the road to feeling better.  Depression can put you in such a dark hole that you feel like you’ll never get out.  Small steps..

    Post # 9
    1947 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    If he doesn’t believe in therapy, at the very least encourage him to talk to a medical doctor about his depression.  He may feel more inclined towards therapy if he can get some medical help for the depression.  Even if he doesn’t, at least he will be doing SOMETHING about getting the depression under control besides self-medicating with alcohol. 

    And I agree with PPs that you need to be working, to help take some of the burden off of him.  He doesn’t need the added stress of your unemployment, plus he could then start looking for a job that makes him happier, whether it’s in his chosen field or not.

    Post # 10
    1 posts
    • Wedding: May 2014

    My DH was very similar to what you are describing. I never really believed in mental disorders until I saw how he was acting. He was pre-disposed to depression and finally went to his family doctor and got on mediciation. He talks to our pastor about if every other month or so and it’s really helped him. He’s been his old self once he got on the medication and started speaking with the pastor. I wouldn’t make him go to therapy, I don’t think it would help if he doesn’t want it, but schedule him a doctor’s apptmt and make him go. 

    Post # 11
    703 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I asked my Fiance, he had been depressed for 13 years. For him physical activities did help. Take walks or go to the gym. Maybe he’s willing to do that…

    Post # 12
    308 posts
    Helper bee

    Your husband sounds like a classic over-achiever. For this type of person, seeking help is very hard.

    My Fiance desperately needed therapy after a life changing event, but wasn’t open to it. But he was sinking. Even he knew it. I put it to him this way:

    “Would you rather be stubborn and lose, or get help and win?”

    It made sense to him, and he went to therapy – which he was terrified to do, but after said he really like it.

    Just a suggestion that work for me.

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