Post # 46
Member
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Isilme : If you love him – HIS feelings are supposed to matter, too, aren’t they? Why should your feelings matter more than his? That’s not very conducive for a strong marriage, disregarding his feelings because they don’t match yours.
Well, you could turn that around too. Why do his feelings (being flaky about commitment, saying maybe a year, we’ll see) matter more than hers? Why is she supposed to stifle her own anxiety about his level of commitment and just go along for the ride hoping that one day he’ll agree to marry her?
Aren’t you the bee who waited 20 years for a proposal, many of which were spent in a kind of depression about why your partner wouldn’t marry you? I wonder in your own case why you thought your husband’s feelings about marriage were more important than yours?
I think compromise is key in these situations. And if a compromise can’t be found, then the couple is incompatible and should split up. (Not saying you and your husband should have split up, to clarify, just that your logic goes both ways.)
Post # 47
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
So, just a little update on this… Since we had gotten into a fight about him taking that trip to Chicago and getting a tattoo he had started googling how to buy an engagement ring, how to finance one, and if he is supposed to buy the wedding band also. I noticed this because we share a computer and it was popping up on search bar in Chrome. I think he is just totally clueless on what the hell he is doing and is just scaring the crap out of him! He has anxiety like me and I wish he would try therapy. I really think he could benefit from it. My therapist is always asking if he would come in sometime. Also, all of his friends are married and I don’t understand why he doesn’t just ask them for help! I don’t regularly talk to his friends, so I know they could keep secrets 🙂 Plus one of my friends, her dad is jeweler and can really give him some insight and a good deal. I think he just knows she’ll spill the beans though! And she totally would- not to be malicious though.
Anyway, over the weekend we went to my parents house to cat sit for them as they are on a cruise (I’m so jealous of them!). He told me about financing the ring, looked at my Pinterest board, and told me that he was afraid he was going to lose me. I asked him why he was telling me all this and he said so I won’t freak out. He promised me a year or less as before. I know he handled things poorly in the past and so does he. I think his anxiety gets the best of him and sometimes he would rather abandon something than deal with the problem head on. This is something he is working on and his communication has been SO much better. Maybe this fight was a good thing, it seems like it lit a fire on his butt! I volunteer at our local animal shelter on Tuesday nights, so maybe he will start looking while I’m out of the house for a few hours?? Crossing my fingers!
Post # 48
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
I still don’t think he wants to marry you despite the update.
Ya maybe he is afraid to lose you now but that doesn’t mean he wants to spend his life with you.
You have been 5 years together and you are in your 30s if he wanted to propose he would have without constantly hinting at it.
Sorry if this is harsh but this is just how I see it from the outside perspective.
Good luck bee
Post # 49
Member
49 posts
Newbee
Are you sure he isnt doing this just to pacify you while he finds a convenient living situation or meets someone else? I have seen this happen and I would hate for you to put in all this effort just to have him flake on you once again. I hope it turns out well though
Post # 50
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
sillyrabbit15 : I really hope that’s not the case. It would be pretty messed of him to do that to me. An older lady friend of mine is worried that he is just psyching me up only to disappoint me later on.
At this point, I’m just really confused, nervous, and scared. I keep hearing different words of advise from friends and I don’t know what to do, or who to listen to, or what to think, or how I feel about all of this. It’s like I have no control over my own future and that kinda freaks me out.
All I know is that I have my kitty buddies on Tuesday nights that make me happy and working on my career. Everything else seems so up in the air.
Post # 51
Member
5035 posts
Bee Keeper
You waited until September 2016 to seriously discuss marriage then you expected a propsal within the next few following months? That seems like a lot of pressure to put on a man. It sounds like the pressure lead to the break up. If you want a proposal I think you are going to need to muster up a little more patience as he starts to get on board with the idea. He obviously has an idea as to how he would like to manage his finances in preparation for ring buying. If he says he needs a year I’d believe him. If that year deadline comes and goes then I would be concerned.
Post # 52
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
Ugh who would want to marry a loser like this? Do you consider this guy a loving, responsible, caring man? He sounds like a child . No wonder you’re angry all the time. Your choice if you want a life like this.
Post # 53
Member
6839 posts
Busy Beekeeper
blondie603 : “It’s like I have no control over my own future and that kinda freaks me out.”
But you DO have control over your own future. You’re just choosing not to use it! You’re choosing to sit around waiting for this guy to make a decision about your life.
Post # 54
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
Why would you want to marry someone who said they don’t want to marry you and left? What happens if you do get married and you go through a rough patch? Is he going to just up and leave then? Men know early on if someone is their dream girl or not and they don’t date them for 5 years and then break up with them. He’s a huge buyer beware and if you do marry him it won’t be a happy marriage and it’ll prob end in divorce, sorry to say. I’d get out now before investing any more time.
Post # 55
Member
21 posts
Newbee
I think it’s wrong to just tell this woman that “yeah you’re just gonna end up divorced”. What if they end up married and happy and it just took this to get the guys ass on fire to do it?? If proposals camw easily for ALL of us, this board wouldn’t exist full of women commiserating about when their guy is going to do it and wondering why he hasn’t yet. Obviously we are all going to make our boyfriends sound just horrible when we complain on here. Not to say that sometimes an outside perspective can’t be helpful when other bees can straight up be like “hey, don’t put up with that”. But in the end, only SHE can know what to do, and just telling her that her future automatically WILL end up in a divorce is just mean and none of you actually know that.
Post # 56
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
Hiya bee.
As many others have said, I don’t trust this guy and I don’t think you do either. When you say that he tells you he loves you but you DON’T BELIEVE HIM to me that speaks volumes.
You’re around my age and have been with this guy and cohabitating for as long as I have with mine (going on 5 years also- no ring). Life is short. You can either sit him down and give him a timeline–I’d say less than 6 months especially if he has money saved–and if he doesn’t meet it then adios. Really check in w/ yourself and probe your heart to see if this is who you want to share forever with. Something about your words make me think maybe it isn’t. But things can turn around.
I want to hug you, bee–I feel for you and the confusion this brings. It is easy for strangers on the internet to say ditch him, he doesn’t love you, or whatever. I don’t believe it’s that simple OR easy. I just hope it works out because you deserve commitment and happiness. I see a lot of myself in you. <3
Post # 57
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: January 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts
msmeow85 : Things have been better between us. He told me that it would take him a year or less, and so I have to trust him on that. If the year comes around and I don’t have the ring, well… like you said, ADIOS lol. He knows this. He has been shopping around online for rings, and I know, looking isn’t buying, but it’s a step closer for him.
I feel like I’m being shelfish about his money saved up. He’s told me a few times now that he is using that money for us to put down on a condo or townhouse. I really can’t tell him what to spend that on, can I?
For now, I’m sitting back and relaxing and watching if everything falls into place.
Post # 58
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
blondie603 : Right there with you! Glad to hear he’s “window-shopping” online. That IS a step. From what I know, my bf hasn’t even gone that far. Sometimes it’s all I can do to keep my mouth shut and say, “you know you can’t just order a ring off Amazon with 2-day shipping…right?” LOL. Bf is a last-minute person all the way. Must. Stay. Strong!
Also, saving $ for a condo/townhouse is a good thing. It is possible to save for multiple goals at the same time!
Post # 59
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
blondie603 : This is the internet, and you asked for advice.
You sound immature. He sounds immature. I’m surprised he has savings, and it’s a good thing he does. He’s right, you need $1-2M to retire these days.
The whole “I don’t do anything extra” for him line really irked me. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to marry you? Why would he want to marry someone who doesn’t value him and his needs?
My Father died 4 weeks ago. I get married in 5 weeks. My Fiance has been putting my needs ahead of his own since this whole thing happened. He has been my rock. But before that, it was a constant give and take. We don’t have that you owe me attitude as it seems you have about your relationship.
Are you even happy with this man? If not, what’s the point?
Post # 60
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
blondie603 : I would seriously move on. I used to be you. I was in the exact same situation. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years and he never proposed ever. It just didnt happen. After 3 and a half years I started hinting about getting married. After 4 I straight up starting asking. After 5 I pretty much had enough and at just about 6 years I moved on. I wish I could have moved on sooner. I regret wasting my time. The guy I dated after this bf I had propsed to me after being together 4 years. Things were so different. He wanted to get married. I did not have to worry about stuff anymore about whether he wanted to commit. I highly reccomend that you move on. There is someone out there that will want to marry you. Dont settle. I am happy I moved on and found someone worth my time. You should also. You are worth it and there is always still time to start over.
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