Post # 1
Hey bees, I really need some advice.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety all of my life. I have tried therapy and literally every drug on the market, but nothing helps when I’m under this amount of stress.
I’m playing middleman between my FI and my dad, since they’re each paying 50%. It’s HORRIBLE. We’ll have fights like… my dad insists I should invite my bosses, but FI says we can’t because it’s not in the budget, so my dad offers us extra money to cover the cost for my bosses AND FI’s bosses, so then I tell FI “hooray! We can invite them now!”, but FI gets pissed and says I’m “making financial decisions without consulting him and shouldn’t have accepted the money from my dad without discussing it with him first.” UGH. UGH. UGH. That’s just one example, but it’s like this for EVERYTHING. It’s not just my dad and my FI, either… I’m also having tons of family/wedding party drama as well. (FI’s step-mom seems to hate me, the mother of the flower girl makes snarky comments because we’re doing things somewhat non-traditionally, my bipolar and alcoholic mother has been especially crazy lately, etc.)
Every single day, friends and coworkers ask me about the wedding. I know they are trying to be nice, but it just gives me terrible anxiety. Then if I don’t want to talk about it 10 times a day to everyone, people get all weird and think that there’s something wrong with my relationship (my dad keeps asking if my FI and I are “okay”) or assume that I don’t want to get married at all since I’m not obsessed with the color of the linens or whatever.
I literally spend my days off sitting at home in my PJs trying not to freak out, because even thinking about wedding stuff makes me so anxious I have panic attacks. If I try to delegate things to my FI, he just takes forever to get them done (he was “working on” getting a caterer for 3 months. I finally gave up and did it myself, within 3 days we found one, got quotes, had a tasting, and signed a contract). He will say things like, “I really care about the reception decor, I want it to look nice” but then never show me examples of what he thinks is “nice.” We have 5 months to go, and I really just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and cry until it’s over. I wish we could just go to the JOP and then have our honeymoon.
Is anyone else going through this? How are you handling it?
Post # 3
@carrotstick: Yes, I had a really hard time with planning, as well. DH didn’t help with planning all that much because he was in Kuwait up until almost Christmas. His family lives in Indiana and the wedding was in Indiana, so I planned from out of state. I had family complaining because they weren’t invited to be in the wedding when I only had three bridesmaids. My mother is deceased and my father wasn’t able to help with anything.
It’s over now and we had a gorgeous wedding, despite everything. All those small details you worry about, won’t be a big deal after it’s all said and done, you’ll still be married.
Post # 4
@carrotstick: Ya I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for awhile now and usually I can deal with it alright, but during this wedding planning, I have had a lot of breakdowns. Everyone had opinions and I am a people pleaser. Plus, its a DW so it’s so much harder to plan, because all I can do is email people and wait to hear back, I can’t actually go and do anything. There are a million details that need to be finished in the next month and I feel like I am just going to go crazy. I got a prescription for Xanax, so hopefully that helps (I have used it before, it wasn’t a cure, but it did help me).
Post # 5
I can relate so hard to this…regular life with anxiety/depression is hard enough but wedding planning on top of it? Meltdown time.
The future Mr. Caffeine and I have been engaged for 20 (that’s all!) days and I’ve been stressing out non-stop. My fingernails are nubs lol. Everyone has been hounding us, not just about wedding plans, but school, work, am I changing my name, FFF’N CHILDREN!!
I swear weddings bring out the crazy in everybody. Hang in there <3
Post # 6
Planning our wedding has been rough for me. I also have depression and anxiety, as well as a chronic headache disorder and agoraphobia. Dealing with health issues, schoolwork, normal wedding planning, and dealing with stressful, difficult relatives was extremely overwhelming at times for me. The difficult relatives especially got to me- even knowing what I was going through, some people had ZERO consideration for me, and brought up petty issues/held grudges against us for ridiculous things. So I totally get where you are coming from.
Your wedding is over five months away, so I am sure you might lose some deposits, but if you wanted to change your mind and do something simpler and less stressful (like a JOP wedding, or elope), I think there is time to make that decision. Do you think you can enjoy your wedding day itself?
Post # 7
I can completely relate. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder about 5 yrs ago and have been able to keep it manageable with medication. There are some situations that are incredibly difficult for me even with treatment. Bringing my daughter home from the hospital for the 1st time after she was born threw me into full blown panic attacks for 2 wks straight until I finally got some xanax to take the edge off until I adjusted. I am already feeling SO scared about the wedding day. Being the center of attention terrifies me. Things that typically bring other people joy (i.e. family reunions and holidays, parties, etc) are so overwhelming to me. I would honestly prefer to elope or go to the courthouse but I know that is not my fiance’s ideal wedding so I am trying so hard to do the ‘normal’ wedding route so that I don’t rob him of the experience lol. So happy I am not the only one that suffers from more than just pre wedding jitters. Just gotta make it to the other side of this, it will be worth it!! We can do it!
Post # 8
I’ve always had anxiety and it’s manifested itself in different ways throughout my life. During my engagement it focussed around the wedding/marriage. It was really really tough. I had always expected my engagement period to be absolutely idyllic and happy and special. Times of it were happy and idyllic and special. But a lot of it was spent battling anxiety, panic attacks and terror. I think if you are already prone to anxiety/depression then the engagement can trigger things for you because the engagement and wedding are the start of a transition, one of the biggest you will ever go through. For me the anxiety was a shout out to slow down, turn inward and do some healing within myself. By the time I got to my wedding day I was great, really excited and had my anxiety under control. I want to say though, that it took more than a year to get myself back on track, During that time I visited my doctor, took antidepressants, saw a therapist once a fortnight and participated in this fantastic e-course: http://conscious-transitions.com/conscious-weddings-e-course/ which reinforced the work I was doing with my therapist. I highly recommend it. There is a way through anxiety but it takes time, commitment and support. It’s so worth it though 🙂
Post # 9
PM me if you want. I basically had a break down after the engagement (there was alot leading up to it) and finally went to a counsellor for help. Basically the entire engagement i have been on anti-depressants because i cant take the stress. I’ve noticed the closer to the date we get the quicker i am to freak out.
So i get it. Its not easy. I would be speaking to a counsellor or doctor to be honest. And i would let your fiance and dad deal with everything financial personally. I would say “listen, discuss the budget together and leave me out of it. Just let me know what money i can spend and i will work around it”.
Post # 10
@Wellington Bride: i agree with this. 3 months after the engagement i finally went to a counsellor and went on meds. Now, 9 months later i have been able to say i’m back to myself. I still struggle with things EVERY day, but i dont lay in bed all day eating my sorrows away and watching tv non stop to prevent my mind from racing.
Post # 11
@Swizzle: One of the most important things I realised is why this happened when it did. For the first time in my life I had someone who loved me so unconditionally, so much that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It finally allowed my walls to break down and to start to heal things I’d buried deep throughout my life. It was only within the safety and love of my relationship that I had the time and support to start to explore the reasons behind the anxiety. It’s made our relationship stronger and I know my husband is my number one supporter. He’s heard my most irrational anxious thoughts and helped me to laugh at the ridiculousness of them. He’s also just held me tight and let me cry with hurt and fear. He’s an amazing man. The best I’ve ever known.
Post # 12
For me, personally, anxiety has always stemmed from anticipation of anything. Once I am in the midst of what I am anticipating, 99% of the time I am fine. Everything leading up to the moment is so scary. The fact that an entire engagement is basically one long anticipation of the wedding day=scared for me lol. I have had several people suggest elopement, and while that sounds like the easy way out, that’s exactly what it is to me, the easy way out. If I ran away and eloped I would feel like anxiety won and I want to battle it head on and win! Winning for me would be enjoying my wedding day which I am determined to do!!
Post # 13
@carrotstick: I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since childhood. I make my life as stress-free as possible, because therapy and medication don’t work for me, so I control what I can in my life.
If it were me, I’d not discuss the wedding at work. It’s stressful for you and with everyone having an opinion on weddings, I think it opens up a lot more issues. If anyone asks if you guys are “fine”, just say “Yes, of course, I’m just all wedding-d out!” If they want to think something is wrong, let them. It doesn’t matter anyways.
We are having a vow renewal (our wedding was cancelled due to our daughter’s urgent surgery and we went to the courthouse) with under 30 guests. Given that you struggle with the same issues I do, I would highly suggest limiting your guest lists or, as you said, consider eloping. I say this not to be a downer, but because in my opinion, when you struggle with mental illness, especially the kind that doesn’t respond to treatment well, I think you have to control what you can in life. If this wedding is giving you panic attacks and affecting your mental health, than you need to put a stop to it now.. whether that’s eloping, cutting the guest lists, hiring a wedding coordinator, whatever it takes to take pressure off of yourself.
The wedding is one day of your life. Please do not drive yourself into a downward spiral trying to make everyone else happy. It is absolutely not worth it. Please feel free to message me anytime. I mean that sincerely. Sometimes it’s nice just to talk to someone who “gets it”.