Post # 1
Regular bee going anon due to the very personal subject nature of this post.
Three years ago my father was murdered in a home robbery gone wrong. This was without a doubt one of the most horrific things to ever happen. To make matters worse a few months after this my ex-FI ended our engagement – the reasoning was that I had changed and I was no longer the fun happy person he knew (I am happy to be rid of someone who does not undersand the concept of for worse). At the time all of this happened, I was finishing my last year of medical school and even though I went to counselling to deal with the death of my father and my broken engagement I did not fully let myself feel all of the emotions because I knew that if I started feeling there was no way I would finish medical school. Instead of dealing with my emotions, I threw myself into school and pretended to be fine and happy.
Fast forward three years and I now have a wonderful fiance. And my life is seemingly ‘perfect’ or at least the image I project onto others is – we have a great apartment, I live in an amazing city and have an amazing job. In early January my grandfather passed away and it brought out all of the supressed emotions that i had regarding my father’s death. My life literally fell apart. I couldnt get out of bed for two weeks due to a major depression. My kind, sweet and patient fiance helped me through this by taking me to my doctor, getting me on medication, explaining the situation to my employer and finding a good psychologist. During my two week depression (where I did not leave my house) I missed a very close friends’ bachelorette party in Cabo that I basically single handedly organized (I am usually the organizer of our group). Usually, I am a typical type A person and would never miss something so important but, as I said, I was out of commission. My fiance sent her an email explaining the basics of what had happened (he did not go into too much detail because of the delicacy of the situation) and told her I would be in touch. I also called the resort and had a bottle of champagne delivered to her room on the first night. I am slowly getting better and trying to pick up the pieces of my life and part of this is checking and replying to my various emails/facebook messages that I missed. I checked my email and I had multiple emails from my friend telling me how selfish, weak and awful I am for missing her bachelorette – in her last email she threatened to end our friendship. I understand she is/was upset and I should have called her instead of getting my fiance to email but I was not coping with life at this stage and I was not in contact with anyone other than my family and fiance. Bees, I do not know what to reply to my friend. I am shocked by her emails and I am already in a very fragile emotional state but I do not want to lose our friendship. What would you do? Any help you can give me is much appreciated.
Just a note, my friend and I have been friends for six years and she is normally a very sweet girl which is why I am so shocked.
P.S. excuse the typos, I am using my ipad.
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
Don’t ‘reply’ by email. Call her if you value the friendship. People are much more likely to listen and are less defensive on the phone. (or in person, even better).
She is feeling hurt and obviously doesn’t understand the gravity of what you were going through.
If, after you speak with her, she is still unsympathetic, end the friendship.
Post # 3
- Wedding: Loon Lake Lodge, Lakeville, MA
As a bride and a major depression sufferer, this makes me sad. I would write an email or see, if possible, you can meet for coffee or something and say you are very sorry but you could not do it. If she values your friendship, I think she will understand. If not, then it is her loss. You must look after yourself.
I would have done the same. I would not want to have ruined someones time or threw off the whole weekend because people are helping me.
Post # 4
Thank you both for the responses.
I picked up the phone and gave my friend a call. I explained the whole situation and offered a heartfelt apology. In response she told me that she is having a hard time understanding this because my father was murdered three years ago and I have seemed fine. I tried to explain that (a) I have no reason to want to miss her bachelorette and (b) that people process trauma in different ways and that I am having a delayed reaction. I explained to her that I am seeing a psychologist to try and work through all of my suppressed feelings and that I am genuinely sorry and that this has nothing to do with any ill will on my part. She responded by sarcastically saying that if I am so mentally unstable she is not sure if I should be a bridesmaid. I told her that this really hurt my feelings and that I had to go because the conversation was not constructive. This really hurt. I have not been able to stop crying because I am really trying to work through the worst thing that has ever happened and I thought, out of all people, a close friend would be supportive or at the very least understanding. What do I do from here? I do not want to lose my friendship but I am at a loss.
Post # 5
Fk your friend, honestly, but the only consolation is that she probably had no ability to understand what’s really going on and in a self-centered way assumed the worst.
I have some minor traumas from the past that surface sometimes, and it’s quite difficult. I wouldn’t bend over backwards apologizing. I think I’d send an email saying “Hi, I was sorry to receive your messages. I also realize that it probably wasn’t clear to you what was going on with me. I am going through an extremely hard time. (If you feel close to her, you can add a sentence explaining why here, but only if you want to – you don’t owe her this.) The last few weeks have been extremely challenging, but I am slowly working to get back to normal after undergoing loss. I would love it if we can get together once I am on more stable ground.”
I hate what she said to you. I think you’re strong and I admire the way you’ve rebuilt your life. I wish you only happiness and love, and a fantastic life with this truly wonderful fiance you have!
Post # 6
- Wedding: Loon Lake Lodge, Lakeville, MA
You can’t control her unfortunately. You did the rifght thing and it is in her court. If she can’t forgive you, then it is her problems. Things like this bring out the worst in people sometimes. 🙁
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
she’s being a cunt.
Sorry you got that reaction. You didn’t deserve that. She is behaving selfishly.
Post # 8
You gave her the benefit of the doubt that she sent those emails because she was hurt and didn’t understand. But now you’ve explained it all and offered a proper apology by phone and she still thinks her wedding celebrations are more important than your mental health? I’d be VERY willing to lose that friendship, you don’t need a friend like that.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
She sounds like the kind of friend who’s great when things are good, but a “with friends like that, who needs enemies” type when things are hard. I know it’s difficult to lose a friendship, but seriously, she’s being a selfish nasty bitch and you’re better off!
Post # 10
I’m sorry but she doesn’t sound like a friend. Just like your Fiance, true friends are there through thick and thin.
Post # 11
Her wedding has made her very selfcenterd. As a friend she should understand that your health is way more important than her party. If she’s not willing to be supportive when you need it, she’s not really a friend.
( my friend is not coming to my bachelorette party because she’s going on vacation. Even tho 2 weeks later schools are closed and her 2 children have a week break. So even if i find this weird i understand. She has her own life and it would be nice to spend time with her but if its not possible so be it. We’ll do something together later. So i really dont get how a friend cannot understand your situation. That is really not a friend to me…
Post # 12
I am very sorry for your losses. I don’t know either one of you but I am shocked by her reaction! How selfish! Grief is a long process, it’s hard to understand when you are outside it and when you are in it. This should not end a friendship. Hopefully when she is gets over her “wedding brain” she will understand the state you are in.
Again, I feel for you.
Post # 13
I am floored, no, beyond floored, I am…flabbergasted that someone could even for a teeny tiny fraction of a second think that their party is more important than the well-being of their friend. Seriously, I just cannot even fathom this. Dear Bee, I’m sure you love your friend, but speaking as another Bee who suffers from major depression and has also has trauma in her past (although not to your extent, and I am very sorry for your losses) I know what the bed ridden state is like. The fact you sent along champagne is sweet and probably more than I could have mustered.
I actually missed a close friend’s 21st birthday in college during one of my spells and after I explained the situation and apologized and sent along my love, she completely understood, because she cared more about my wellbeing than having me attend.
Maybe there is a chance for reconciliation in the future, but for now, her comments were rude and I would be careful spending time with someone like that. Also, I have no patience for people who are not understanding of the “mentally unstable”, as your friend put it. You are being responsible and taking all the steps you need to get better and take care of yourself, and the best thing you can do is be surrounded by people who love and support you, not mock you. I think she needs to apologize if you want to save your friendship, don’t apologize any more to her. Also, lots of internet hugs. And sorry for getting all angry protective mama bear on you.
Post # 14
Grief isn’t a linear process and she should understand that. It makes no difference how she feels about this situation. It is what it is and as a true friend she should accept and offer empathy – not judgement. You suffered a horrible and tramatic loss and you have done what you had to in order to survive. Now is your time to grieve and process. If that didn’t happen on a timeline she finds acceptable, that’s too bad. She’s acting like a horrible friend and spoiled bride.
Post # 15
FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER
Everyone grieves in their own time and way.You have no control over it. It will subside and then come back in waves just when you thought you were getting back to normal. I’ve been thru it myself and I can tell you it is a long, slow process. My heart breaks for you and I am sending you a big hug.
She is not your friend. A friend is caring and compassionate and understanding. She’s dead weight and you don’t need that in your life.
FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER