(Closed) Depression and Friendship

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

With friends like that who needs enemies?

Bee this is one of those situations that helped you appreciate your Fiance so much more (and let you know that you picked someone totally worth it and much better than last time) and let’s you know that it’s ok to want to be closer to him, more open, etc. And your so-called friend has shown her true colors. SHE, like your ex-FI, is so very much not worth it.

“Hey friend. I’ve repeatedly tried to apologize and explain what’s going on in my life and why I missed your bachelorette party. What I’ve found in you has been a complete lack of support, criticism (your “mentally unstable” comment), and disregard for my wellbeing. I’m floored that anyone would think that their pre-wedding festivities trump a friend’s wellbeing. Thus, I have decided to step down from being in your Wedding Party and put a stop to our friendship. Be well, anonhbp2015: “

If I were in your shoes this is the life lesson I’d take from this (along with your ex-FI’s awful behavior towards you): it is best to let people around you see the REAL you so that they may show you their true colors as well. The more you fake it the more you are complicit in others’ faking, and the less equipped you are in being able to spot a “faker.” 

Virtual hugs your way my friend. 

Post # 18
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

anonhbp2015:  First, I want to say you sound like you are extremely strong, and I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through!

I understand in hard times like these, the last thing that you want to do is lose a close friend, but she is not a friend. You are not losing anything, she is. You picked up the phone, called her, explained to her, and she is still being insensitive, self-centered, and not any way that a friend should be. I would step down as a bridesmaid, and I would no longer be friends with her. 

“if I am so mentally unstable she is not sure if I should be a bridesmaid”

I’m sorry, but you don’t come back from a comment like that. 

Post # 19
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

do you know what – fuck her. im being serious, you dont need somoene like THAT in your life. every friendship should have boundaries and certain lines shouldnt be crossed. your friend sounds like a selfish bitch and i wouldnt even waste my effort to reply to that garbage she sent to you. who the hell does she think she is???

im in a place right now where ive lost most of who i considered friends because they dont appreciate me putting boundaries in place. no, its not ok to “borrow” money and “forget” your purse and not pay me back. its not ok to flirt with my OH. it is not ok to be updating my ex boyfriend from 5 years ago about my life. no its not ok to shit talk me behind my back. id rather have no one than constantly have to worry and watch my back. and you know what? since they all disappeared i actually feel much more content and relaxed.

i am a good person and a damn good friend and if you cant appreciate that then thats your loss. you need to tell yourself that and believe it. as for replying…i wouldnt even respond to be honest. not worth your time or effort or worry. dont touch shit because it stinks.

Post # 20
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I cannot imagine treating the death of a friend’s father or grandfather with such coldness or sarcasm. And for a party<br />

I really do believe that people show their true colours when the shit hits the fan. 

I think that you are so brave to pull yourself through medical school, and now presumably are a doctor in training. It is so good you have our fiance’s support at this time. 

Please focus on looking after yourself. You have done your best with this “friend” and you owe her no further explanations. She has let you down so bad and all for her shitty bachelorette/bridesmaid bullshit. Don’t be a bridesmaid and focus on your own healing. 

You don’t need trash like that. 

Post # 21
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

First, I want to say that I am sorry to hear about your father.  I can’t imagine the trauma that you have gone through.

Unforutnately, in times like this, you do truly find out who your real friends are. I had a very good friend that I had been friends with since 9th grade. Another extremely close friend passed away suddenly – one day while sleeping. It was horrific and tragic. The reason I am telling you this is because the girl who I thought was my best friend handled it horrifically and to this day, we don’t speak.

My friend told me she would be at the viewing because she wanted to support me. She never showed or texted/called to tell me she couldn’t make it. Then, the next day was the funeral, and I never once heard from her. Nothing. You would think when your best friends good friend passes away, you would want to check in, make sure she was okay, see if she needed anything. She didn’t – it was radio silence – and I never spoke to her again after telling her my feelings. 

The bottom line is – I don’t think this girl is really capable of being your friend. ANYONE with a brain would understand this situation – just because it happened 3 years ago – doesn’t mean you’re over it. You may never truly be over it and certain things may bring up supressed feelings. 

For now, I would not speak to this girl – and if she wants to apologize or fix things, she can. If not, move on to the people who are truly your friend.

Post # 22
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

anonhbp2015:  it sounds like this girl have very little real-life experience dealing with trauma or death (must be nice, huh?) so she doesn’t realize what an insensitive bitch she’s being to you.

Are you close with the other bridesmaids? Maybe you could call one of them for support, help smack some decency+compassion into the bride. Otherwise I would suggest cutting her out of your life!

Post # 23
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

WOW, I am soooo sorry that you are going through this trauma and that this woman is treating you so horribly. She is not your friend. Let that sink in. Just as your ex-FI did you a favor by backing out of your life when the going got tough, so this friend is doing you a favor by showing you her true colors when you are struggling. 

I am sure that you don’t need the added stress right now, but I would nip any further drama in the bud and send her one more email:

Dear ____,

I am going through one of the most difficult times in my life and I am dismayed that instead of being a source of support, you have treated me with so much anger and so little compassion. I will be stepping down as your bridesmaid and no longer wish to communicate with you.

Best of luck with your wedding,

anonhbp2015

 

Seriously. This girl doesn’t deserve to have you as a friend. I’m so sorry, bee. There are other people out there who will realize what a treasure they have in you as a friend, and treat you with the kindness and compassion that you deserve.

Post # 24
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Fuck that b.i t.c.h! 

Post # 25
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

She is being a fucking bitch. There’s no friendship to keep. OP, she’s like your ex — someone who you thought would be there for you but actually sucks. Luckily you have your wonderful fiance. You did nothing to deserve her behavior, but you should not subject yourself to any more of her utter shit.

Post # 26
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Soon2ElopeBee:  I read this after I posted and I completely agree. I have some depression issues too, and I think we really have to stand up for ourselves and remember that our job is to be authentic, true to ourselves, and kind to others — not to be overly apologetic because we feel we need to earn love and respect. I think that goodbye email is perfect. Given what you’re dealing with, I’d set up an auto-forward so that any reply goes to your fiance and you don’t see it at all. Ask him to let you know if she sends an apology (don’t hold your breath cause she sounds like a jerk), and this way he’ll screen any more bs. I wouldn’t put it past her to send a scathing reply and you just don’t need to see it. 

Post # 27
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

anonhbp2015:  

Wow her response royally pissed me off… she sounds like an unbelievably selfish person. 

Of course people process grief in different ways.. and having a delayed reaction to trauma is totally normal.. how can she not know that!! My mother lost her mother in a tragic accident and the first time she cried about it was 3 years later.. because before that, the tears just wouldn’t come. I mean, heck, when my dog died I didn’t cry for 4 months because he had been my companion from birth and it wouldn’t sink in that he wasn’t there anymore.

I’m so sorry for your loss and so terribly sorry about how it happened.. I can’t imagine anything worse. You sound like a wonderful person and unfortunately wonderful and strong people are often undervalued by people who can’t see their worth through their own selfishness. 

True friends will be there for you for better or for worse, and if you have to cut your losses with this girl then it’s no loss at all because she wasn’t a true friend.

If I were in your position I think I would send her an email telling her how much her reaction hurt me. I would tell her that until you have experienced that kind of trauma you cannot understand it.. in fact I would copy and paste your initial post in this thread and send it to her. If she then cannot understand and rejects you, it’s her loss and she’s a selfish b*tch. I would never in a million years hold it against any of my friends if they couldn’t make it to my bachelorette party for any reason.. especially not a reason like this.  

 

Post # 28
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

What a nasty selfish cow she is.

Bee, if you wanted to get out of her stupid bachelorette party, you would have come up with something more simple, like “I have food poisoning”

The fact you didn’t shows how serious you are suffering and if she can’t understand that, blow her off. You don’t need that in your life xx

 

Post # 29
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I have to say that when I got married I never would have dreamed getting mad at someone who could not attend something. Furthermore, yiur friend is being insensitive, to say the least. Maybe you could drop out of her bridal party bc she is really being ott. You did the right thing by trying to apologize and explain, so if she cannot accept it then you do not need that. 

So sorry for your losses.

Post # 30
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

anonhbp2015:  In fact afte re-reading your post, I wouldn’t even bother explaining anything to her.

I would just send her an email saying ”I owe you no explanation for my grief. If you don’t have enough compassion to understand how horrific it is to lose your father in that way, and how losing  your grandfather can bring up your suppressed feelings of grief and send you spiraling into a dark pit of depression at a most inconvenient time, I agree with you that I should not be your bridesmaid, because I don’t want to be a bridesmaid for someone who has so little compassion. Clearly I went out of my way to plan an amazing bachelorette for you and you can only imagine how I felt given that I wasn’t even able to contact you myself to explain why I couldn’t make it. 

As you don’t wish to have ”mentally unstable” bridesmaids, I guess the best thing for me to do will indeed be to step down, and I only wish you never go through anything like I went through and that you’re able to continue to live your life as obliviously as you are right now.

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