Post # 31
anonhbp2015: a true friend would have understood, if all you said was “there was a death in my family” (no questions asked).
The fact that you’re dealing with trauma from 2 deaths, one being a truly horrific situation and she STILL can’t understand? You don’t need friends like these. If anything, she should be crawling back to you, begging for your forgiveness for being so cold and callous – but either way, you don’t need her.
Post # 32
That is the most bridezilla thing I have ever heard. I’m so sorry she is being so awful.
It’s normal to have a delayed reaction. If you were my friend and you “seemed fine” I would be expecting the day to eventually come when you weren’t and you needed me.
as others have said, [email protected]@k her.
Post # 33
Your friend is an idiot, and this is just another situation where people see mentalillness as a joke. If you had just had a stroke, or wer going through chemo would she have called you selfish and awful? If anyone had the ‘right’ to be depressed, its you, after what you’ve gone through. (Not saying one must go through horrible life circumstances to be depressed, but I would think given a murder in the family, a broken engagement and another death, your friend might be more understanding?!) She obviously is uneducated on mental health, and I hope for her sake she nor anyone she loves has to deal with it, because clearly has no understanding of it.
Post # 34
Hi Bees, sorry for not replying earlier but I was back at work this week (yay) and managed to have a good week. It is nice that I feel like I am slowly getting back to ‘normal’. Thank you for all of the kind and supportive responses!
In terms of an update, I met my friend for a pre-work coffee yesterday together with another mutual friend who offered to serve as a mediator (let’s call her M). I invited M because we are all really good friends and M is a social worker and deals with conflict a lot so I thought she would be a good mediator. Let’s just say it did not go well at all. I got there early and as a gesture of good will ordered everyone their favorite coffee/tea (I thought it was a nice gesture to put everyone at ease). M arrived first whcih put me at ease and then my friend turned up. I started off by telling my friend that i really value her friendship but that how she has treated me has really hurt my feelings. I explained that even though I seemed fine for so long sometimes that is the only way to cope and that my grandfathers death triggered emotions that have been boiling below the surface. I told her that I am willing to answer any questions she may have about depression because I know that she may not understand how it works (being the type A person that I am, I even brought from some pamphlets on depression). She basically told me that she does not believe in depression and that I should be grateful for what I have and move on with my life. She said she thinks depression is a ‘first world problem’ because her parents survived a civil war and saw atrocious things and are just fine and have never been depressed. M explained to her that actually a lot of older people like her parents may have PTSD but it manifests itself in different ways, she also said that everyone reacts to trauma differently and that depression is not a ‘first world’ problem. M explained that depression is like getting cancer, it can just happen and there does not need to be a trigger. My friend was adamant and said it was an excuse for weakness. At this point I shut down the conversation and told her that if she doesn’t believe in depression there is no point explaining it to her. I told her that I think it is best if I do not act as a bridesmaid and that although I still care for her I need some distance.
So I guess that is that. I have decided not to dwell on this and just concentrate on feeling better and being with supportive people.
Thanks for all of the support, bees!
Post # 35
With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Post # 36
anonhbp2015: Wow… well if she doesn’t believe in depression, does she at least believe in grief?!… as in, when your grandfather dies, you might need some ‘quiet time’ to come to terms with it? I mean, seriously, even if you hadn’t been through what you had been through with losing your father, any death in the familiy is more than a good enough excuse to miss someone’s bachelorette party.
Hugs.. I’m sorry she’s beeing such a bad friend and I hope that you’re surrounded with supportive people who have some common sense and understand.
Post # 37
You did the right thing. What a fucking bitch she is being. Moving on and focusing on the good is the right mindset, props to you!
Post # 38
- Wedding: Loon Lake Lodge, Lakeville, MA
Wow. There was someone recently that said on tv that bipolar is not real either. It just makes me sad. Having supportive people means the world in a depressed person, like me.
Post # 39
I think your friends does not actually understand what mental illness is. I personally would just move on from this friendship, she is ignorant and cold-hearted. If you do feel like trying to reconcile, I think you need to explain that your bout of depression during her bachelorette party is no different than any other medical problem or emergency that would have made you unavailable. She wouldn’t have been pissed if you had a heart attack and missed her party, a bout of depression is just as uncontrollable and debilitating.
ETA: I read your update, your friend isn’t going to budge on her opinion about depression, just dump her as a friend and move on. I personally could not be friends with someone who has NO empathy.
Post # 40
Post # 41
If you lose this “friendship”, I don’t think you’ve lost much.
I’ve suffered through the kind of depression you describe & no way could I have participated in anything during the worst of it.
Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. Sending you warm cyber hugs from SoCal.
Post # 42
Glad to hear you are feeling better and moving forward.
I wish not believing in stuff made it not exist. (Don’t think the IRS will go for it though.) This is a major health crisis you, the Doctor, are experiencing. Even insurance companies acknowledge AND COVER mental health related illnesses like depression.
Unfortunately, the only thing that does not exist in this situation is the good, kind, reasonably intelligent friend you thought this person to be. (From experience: Don’t be surprised if you find yourself grieving for the person you thought her to be and angry at the real person for taking your illusionary friend away.)
Major silver lining, you know (not just believe) that your fiance and M are true blue.
Post # 43
Unfortunately, a lot of people that have not suffered through severe grief are not able to understand when someone they know is going through it. I have learned this through personal experience, I had a broken engagement myself and went through a weird grieving process for about a year and a half (I still think I might be going through it) where somedays I would be fine, somedays I would be depressed, some days I would lash out. I noticed that the least supportive people in my life were the ones who had not gone through severe grief.
I’m hoping your friend will come around, but at this time I’m not sure she will be able to understand the situation. I’m just going by my personal experiences.