Post # 1
I am new here and hit a rough patch in my relationship… My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together about a year and a half. The first few months were amazing, he always wanted to be with me, planned lots of dates and activities, we met eachothers families and friends, and he brought up the future. I never had any reason to worry about uncertaintly or ambivalence on his end. But he was also moody, really unhappy with his work situation and would sometimes get really angry and lash out at me (verbally never physically) or he would close off and I would have to draw out what was botherng him. We fell in love but I hated the feeling of walking on eggshells, never knowing if he was going to be mad. It occured to me that he could be depressed since I know men with depression can be really irritable, but like I said we fell in love…
Fast forward over the next year or so and we had some bad fights which I definitely did not help with. And he stopped moving the relationship forward. I started going to therapy to deal w anxiety and relationship issues and conflict management. I know these things take time but I am really working on it.
Anyway not long ago I brought up moving forward and I was surprised and upset that he said he had not been thinking about it. He ultimately told me he loves me but he worries that we are too similar and push each others buttons. But he wants us to work on things together. So now I kind of feel like I am on probation and in lmbo which is really hard.
He has had lots of relationships. Hes in his early 40s and hates being single and he says he wantts to get married. Two of his exs were super serious and he siad at times he thought he would marry each. One moved in with him, but he said he was never ready or that and she just kind of moved in. This sounded fishy to me, like he wasnt really taking responsibility for his actions — who just moves in???– Kind of like his work situation– hes been miserable for almost 10 years and talks about making a change but hasnt been able to do it, (or alternatively to just accept that this is his job and he can perhaps find more fulfillment in other ways)..
In any case, I love him so much and want to make it work but am having a hard time being optimistic at this point, and Im not young so Im not going to wait forever. I am trying to wrap my hands around whats really going on here.. is he depressed and is the depression and anxiety stopping him from making decisions and moving forward, does he have serious issues with commitment (over 40 with several serious relationships but cant pull the trigger) or is he just not sure I am the one? I know in the end the reason might not matter that much but perhaps a greater understanding will help my peace of mind about whats going on.
Thanks for your thoughts…
Post # 2
Why would you want to be with someone like that anyway?
Post # 3
Whether it’s depression, phobia or he’s just not in to you doesn’t matter.
This does not sound like a relationship you want to be in. Move on
Post # 4
I would take a long, hard look at the relationship and what it gives you. I would never want to be walking on eggshells around my partner, or have to guess why he wasn’t springing forward in terms of commitment. As PPs have said, it doesn’t seem like a great relationship to be in. Have you discussed your wants and needs with him recently?
Post # 6
He is 40 but how old are you? I think he has bigger issues than just depression and irritability. I also think that’s in your best interest to date other men and find someone more suitable and a man who wants to marry you as much as you want to marry him. You’re wasting time staying in this relationship from now on. Gl. Hopefully you find the courage and strength to be your own biggest supporter and advocate for what you deserve.
Post # 7
so many red flags here = dump!
Post # 8
He verbally abuses you and you want to marry him? Have you discussed his abuse with your therapist?
I have to agree with the Bees who are saying let this one go. Quickly.
Post # 9
If he’s forty and not married, it’s because he doesn’t want to get married… period. Not to you, not to anyone. He sounds awful anyway, get out of there and find someone who appreciates you.
Post # 10
anonfornow : Never let anyone make you feel you have to walk on eggshells. Your life and your time is far more precious than that.
Find a man who is worthy of your love ALL the time.
Post # 11
Thanks for the replies. It’s interesting and not really surprising to read these — as I know what I wrote highlighted the issues and challenges within my man and my relationship. The thing is that I very much love this man. In writing my post, I did not mention his many amazing qualities and all of the things that made me fall in love with him . (And I do not think he is abusive– though there is no doubt he can be moody and irritable). So with all due respect and appreciation for your interest, the feedback Im looking for is less whether you all think I am in a good relationship and what you think I need to address with my therapist, and more about what exactly is going on here, so that I can try to see more clearly whether the issue is within him and whether these are things that can or cannot be resolved…thanks again
Post # 12
I spent far too long with a man in his 40’s who’d never been married. He’s broken. That’s the bottom line. And by 40, he can’t be fixed. Besides, do you really want to be the one to fix him? I’ve realized years later that relationships don’t have to be that hard…
Post # 13
you’re asking for comments to help you understand “what is going on here” but completely ignoring that it doesn’t matter how you look at it if he isn’t also trying to figure it out. what effort is he making? aside from basically flat out telling you he doesn’t think you two would work out long term because you’re too similar and being just generally unpleasant. what everyone here is saying is it doesn’t really matter what the reason for his moodiness is, you have the choice to not welcome that negativity into your life. he’s a grown ass man. if he can’t figure out how to find fulfilment by now, don’t let him drag your life down with him.
Post # 14
“get really angry and lash out at me (verbally never physically)”
Abuse is abuse, its not about if couples fight, its how couples fight that indicates if they’ll last. You can not put the blame on how your conflicts escalate on just yourself only.
Stop trying to make it work and drop this guy, these aren’t character traits you want in a man, this is not healthy, (I know I don’t know you) but you deserve better than this.
Post # 15
OP, I think people have given you really good advice. The thing is you can’t change anyone. All the therapy and effort you put in means nothing if he also isn’t willing to do the same and from the sounds of it he isn’t willing. I was with an almost 40 guy for five years who was never married. He said a lot of things that made me think I was somehow so “special” that I would be the “one” that he would make a commitment to.
But when things got real, he wasn’t willing to be a team and make it work. I also went to therapy and spent months trying to analyze what I could do to make it work. I’m perfectly convinced now that he was acting so horrible because he didn’t have the guts to end it and wanted me to be the one to walk away. When I finally did, I realized that one of my good guy friends was there all along. We’ve only been together a short few months but he treats me like a queen and I have never had to question is loyalty or motives. Move on and find someone who isn’t going to make you agonize over every detail of your relationship. Thanks to the bee I have gotten better and opting out and moving on much more quickly, as soon as I notice red flags.