(Closed) Depression, commitment phobia or just not that into me?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
3073 posts
Sugar bee

Why would you want to be with someone like that anyway?

Post # 3
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Whether it’s depression, phobia or he’s just not in to you doesn’t matter.

This does not sound like a relationship you want to be in. Move on 

Post # 4
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I would take a long, hard look at the relationship and what it gives you. I would never want to be walking on eggshells around my partner, or have to guess why he wasn’t springing forward in terms of commitment. As PPs have said, it doesn’t seem like a great relationship to be in. Have you discussed your wants and needs with him recently? 

Post # 5
4844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Throw this one back op. 

Post # 6
6162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

He is 40 but how old are you? I think he has bigger issues than just depression and irritability.  I also think that’s in your best interest to date other men and find someone more suitable and a man who wants to marry you as much as you want to marry him. You’re wasting time staying in this relationship from now on. Gl. Hopefully you find the courage and strength to be your own biggest supporter and advocate for what you deserve.

Post # 7
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

so many red flags here = dump!

Post # 8
11255 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
anonfornow :  

He verbally abuses you and you want to marry him?  Have you discussed his abuse with your therapist?

I have to agree with the Bees who are saying let this one go.  Quickly.

Post # 9
34 posts
  • Wedding: October 2017

If he’s forty and not married, it’s because he doesn’t want to get married… period.  Not to you, not to anyone. He sounds awful anyway, get out of there and find someone who appreciates you.  

Post # 10
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
anonfornow :  Never let anyone make you feel you have to walk on eggshells.   Your life and your time is far more precious than that.  

Find a man who is worthy of your love ALL the time.  

Post # 12
4371 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I spent far too long with a man in his 40’s who’d never been married.  He’s broken.  That’s the bottom line.  And by 40, he can’t be fixed.  Besides, do you really want to be the one to fix him?  I’ve realized years later that relationships don’t have to be that hard… 

Post # 13
217 posts
Helper bee

you’re asking for comments to help you understand “what is going on here” but completely ignoring that it doesn’t matter how you look at it if he isn’t also trying to figure it out.  what effort is he making?  aside from basically flat out telling you he doesn’t think you two would work out long term because you’re too similar and being just generally unpleasant.  what everyone here is saying is it doesn’t really matter what the reason for his moodiness is, you have the choice to not welcome that negativity into your life.  he’s a grown ass man.  if he can’t figure out how to find fulfilment by now, don’t let him drag your life down with him.

Post # 14
11 posts

“get really angry and lash out at me (verbally never physically)” 

Abuse is abuse, its not about if couples fight, its how couples fight that indicates if they’ll last. You can not put the blame on how your conflicts escalate on just yourself only. 

Stop trying to make it work and drop this guy, these aren’t character traits you want in a man, this is not healthy, (I know I don’t know you) but you deserve better than this. 

Post # 15
285 posts
Helper bee

OP, I think people have given you really good advice.  The thing is you can’t change anyone.  All the therapy and effort you put in means nothing if he also isn’t willing to do the same and from the sounds of it he isn’t willing.  I was with an almost 40 guy for five years who was never married.  He said a lot of things that made me think I was somehow so “special” that I would be the “one” that he would make a commitment to.

But when things got real, he wasn’t willing to be a team and make it work.  I also went to therapy and spent months trying to analyze what I could do to make it work.  I’m perfectly convinced now that he was acting so horrible because he didn’t have the guts to end it and wanted me to be the one to walk away.  When I finally did, I realized that one of my good guy friends was there all along.  We’ve only been together a short few months but he treats me like a queen and I have never had to question is loyalty or motives.  Move on and find someone who isn’t going to make you agonize over every detail of your relationship.  Thanks to the bee I have gotten better and opting out and moving on much more quickly, as soon as I notice red flags.

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