Post # 1
Long story short, my boyfriend of two years moved out in November claiming he needed some “space”. I was not taking the medicines I should have been for quite some time, and our fighting was getting worse. I could tell before he moved out that he might have been depressed or just feeling low. His move out came as a surprise. Just a few weeks prior to all this he wanted to go to city hall and get married, and he told me he finally saved up enough money for my engagement ring. Given how much it all hurt, we decided not to talk nor see each other for one month.
I got back on my medicines, attended therapy, and worked on myself during that time. I really have become a better person, and am still working to make progress. After the one month we met up again… He wanted to end it and I of course did not. He didn’t expect me to have made so many changes, and so he decided to give us a chance and just take things slow.
So we’ve been seeing each other, he stays over sometimes- it feels like we are back to our dating days. I can tell he is not in a great place emotionally or mentally still, though he is seeking help for it. The thing is, I’m not sure how long I can live in limbo like this. His sublease is up at the end of January; is that a fair deadline? I feel like if he doesn’t want to move back in by then, he probably never will. But part of me also knows that he is not in a good place and maybe needs more time. I love him with all my heart but it is also hurting me to be in this situation. WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?!
I’d wait for him forever as long as he was working towards come back.
Post # 2
You can’t be the one to “fix” him. I know you say he is getting help but on that same token he was wanting to end it after you saw him again after a month of no contact. Yet you convinced him otherwise. I’m not at all convinced he’s “all in”. I DEFINITELY don’t think that things will be as they were at the end of January. You say you would wait for him forever if he was working towards coming back…what if things were like this for years and years and years? Frankly you need to assume he won’t change. Otherwise you are stuck in this weird pseudo relationship and your emotions will likely be all over the place.
Don’t put your life on hold for him.
Post # 3
I’d guess that the deadline is just going to make it worse. I think it sounds like you need more time apart until he is secure with how much you’ve changed and then your relationship can actually move forward. The fact that his sublet is almost up doesn’t change where you are, sadly. I’d think more toward the next sublease ends is what you should consider.
Post # 4
I am not clear whether you are talking about his depression or your own. If anything, you should be able to understand that no one else can make someone take action about something like depression until they are ready to do so. You acknowledge that you should have been taking meds and/or attending therapy, but you did not and it may have played a significant part in the collapse of your relationship. If he is now in a similar place, you of all people should recognize that he cannot get help until he acknowledges that he needs it. A deadline will not help, but you having a heart-to-heart with him about what you have been through and why you sought help and that you are concerned that he is heading down a similar path might help him see that outside help could be valuable.
Post # 5
As someone who was in therapy for quite some time, I am going to give you my two cents. This is assuming I know nothing about you and your SO (I don’t), so please don’t take this as me attacking you or your SO’s struggles, whatever they may be.
I don’t feel as if people who are struggling (it seems like both of you have had some issues) should be dating. I really don’t. I don’t think someone who is struggling and in therapy can turn their life around in a month. All I know are my experiences, but based off those and what my therapists have told me, change and growth takes much longer than a month. Romantic relationships during that time (especially where the other half is also struggling) can be detrimental to our growth. Often we fall in love and grow with someone while we are actually mentally unstable. This is almost cheating the relationship.
You essentially fall in love while you aren’t thinking clearly.
I’m not saying this can’t work ever, but I think you should continue living apart. I would look back on my younger self and actually make myself not date for at least a year. It took me a year to “get back to normal” and see clearly.
It’s hard for me to say. What does your therapist think?
I would not push for marriage on someone who moved out of your place that you were living in together for years based off a month or two of progress. I would actually drop the subject entirely. I’m not sure how severe either of you is, or how badly either of you needs therapy (or for what), but I would want to see consistency for at least a year, living apart.
Post # 6
As another poster said, I’m not sure if you’re talking about your depression or his. It sounds like a little of both.
As you said, depression is terrible. It’s also VERY difficult to treat and requires a lot of your focus and energy. It not only drains you, but it has the potential to drain the people who care about you. For nearly 3 of the 4.5 years I was with my ex, he had clinical depression. He was on and off meds, trying various therapies, and it was very trying for both of us. I ended up not being able to take it anymore because I realized he was dragging me down with him.
Prior to his diagnosis, we were talking about getting married, even had a tentative date and plans. We pushed it off indefinitely when he got diagnosed, then determined it was off the table entirely when it came to light how badly he was doing.
It takes so long to get back to normal, if you get there at all (from what I understand through mutual contacts, my ex is still having trouble). Your mental health, and his, should be a priority. I would take engagement off the table for the foreseeable future.
Post # 7
Just to clarify- we both have depression and we are both on meds and in therapy. Thank you for your comments!