(Closed) Depression / not connecting to pregnancy?

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsHoneyC:  I’m glad that you’re going to see a doctor. I hope things improve for you soon.

Post # 4
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry to hear that you are dealing with the loss of your pet, in the midst of adjusting to pregnancy. That must be so hard. Your cat, after all, has been a part of your life for some time, something you’ve loved and cared for, while you don’t really know your baby yet.

Also, pregnancy can be really hard. It IS very tiring, and can bring all kinds of symptoms that can make it tough to enjoy. I hope that you start to feel better soon, and that as the pregnancy progresses, you start to feel the baby kicking, etc., that you can feel more connected to your little one. I think it is a good idea to talk to your doctor about your feelings, too. It’s okay that they are different from what your friends seem to be feeling. Feelings just are what they are, not something you can consciously control. Accepting them is the first step toward resolving what is causing them.

Post # 5
9918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Partly it sounds like you are depressed, or that something else is wrong.  Partly it seems that your expectations of how you should feel while pregnant don’t match how you actually feel.  I don’t think pregnancy could possibly be about sunshine and rainbows for everyone…

Post # 6
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sometimes when our reality is X for a long time, adjusting to reality Y can take quite some time. I’m wondering if maybe there’s a part of you that is waiting for the other shoe to drop and is resisting becoming attached to this pregnancy? 

Post # 7
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MrsHoneyC:  I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for many years.  This is my third pregnancy.  I never feel “connected” until the baby arrives, and even then, I have post partum depression to contend with.  

How you feel about your pregnancy is not indicative of how you will feel about your child nor about what kind of mother you will be.  There are hormones at play, mixed feelings, worries, fear, anxiety… it’s just a cluster of a mess and even women who want to be pregnant and want to have kids can find moments of insane doubt.  

I also think when you have health problems, you always wait for something else to go wrong.  It’s hard, for me at least, to enjoy the moment without worrying if the next appointment is going to be the one something new has gone wrong.  For me, maintaining some emotional distance from the pregnancy is just a matter of self-preservation.

Post # 8
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I had a similar experience. I was told there was a high probability I wouldn’t be able to have children because of the depo shot I got some years back, it really messed with my body for years. I was upset but eventually came to terms with it.

Then I went to the hospital for a kidney infection. They tell me I’m pregnant. I was freaking out because as much as I wanted a child, it just didn’t sound possible the way the doctors were talking. So I was VERY careful during the pregnancy.

But during the whole thing I was depressed, partly due to being in a terrible relationship but also because it just didn’t seem real. It did but I’d already gotten used to the idea that I wasn’t even going to get pregnant that it was still stuck in my head and the doubts and worries never went away. It felt real but at the same time it just didn’t seem real because I was told it wasn’t likely.

I had moments (like the kicking and such) where I’d get all excited but at the same time, during the entire pregnancy even during the labor and delivery, I just didn’t come to terms with being pregnant. I just had a hard time accepting the fact that I was going to have a baby. I was so worried that something would happen, especially since I was a high risk during pregnancy that I really didn’t enjoy being pregnant and was depressed almost the entire time.

I think with me, it was because I was told “You likely wont be able to get pregnant” so my mind was kind of protecting itself from the excitement of being pregnant because of the fear that something would happen and I wouldn’t have that baby. It just didn’t seem really real so it kinda put me down the whole time.

But when the time came and I gave birth to her and held her, it was amazing and I fell in love instantly. She was wonderful and I couldn’t be happier. I suppose I had that “Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant” excitement when I actually had her. And I adore her and there hasn’t been a day that went by since I had her that I’ve felt depressed about having her.

Hang in there, hormones effect people differently and with your history it’s not all that uncommon to have some doubts. Talk to your doctor but don’t be hard on yourself. You’re gonna be a great momma!

Post # 9
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It does sound like you may have a little depression going on, which is definitely something to talk to your doctor about.  Pregnancy depression is a pretty common thing, so you are definitely not alone!  I don’t know if I outright suffered from depression for my first trimester, but I did feel so stinking rotten most of the time I spent a lot of time thinking “what the hell have I gotten myself into?!”  I did not feel connected to my baby AT ALL first trimester and I almost found myself getting “angry” with him sometimes for how rotten he was making me feel.  For a while there, it literally felt like being pregnant was kind of ruining my life, I could hardly do anything because I felt so sick and a lot of the time I would just sit around and cry.  

Fast forward to second trimester and now I feel SO MUCH BETTER.  I can tolerate this part of pregnancy and now that I can actually feel my baby in there all the time, it has definitely made it more real for me.  Once we found out the sex, too, it was much easier for me to feel connected, like, “Oh, there’s a little baby boy inside of me. OUR little baby boy! :)” and not just…”a fetus” inside me.  

Not being completely in love with being pregnant is kind of a taboo in our society…if you talk about how awful you feel or that you wish this whole pregnancy thing would hurry up and get over with a lot of people will definitely give you the stink eye.  But it’s ok!  You are not alone! I just told my DH last night (after I had spent all day with pretty painful cramps, wondering if I was going in to preterm labor or something even though I think it was just stretching/me being dehydrated) that I can’t wait for this whole pregnancy to be over because I want a BABY out of this.  I will love my baby dearly but there is no rule that says I have to love being pregnant.  


^ GREAT article that helped me put things in perspective during that first trimester! 

Hang in there, pregnancy is definitely not easy for everyone and your feelings are completely normal…all of the hormones that are raging right now can surely wreak havoc on your mental health, so definitely talk to your doctor and have faith that this too shall pass and once it’s all over with you will probably be back to your old self! 🙂

Post # 10
1572 posts
Bumble bee

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your cat, mine just died unexpectedly too 🙁 It will take a lot of time to get used to the change after the loss of a pet; they are family! And yes, pregnancy depression is a very real thing, and the hormones definitely don’t help. Luckily, drs take it very seriously now (mine even has posters in the office saying “depression is the #1 complication of pregnancy”) so the doctor should definitely be able to help you out.I didn’t feel like myself until about 15wks and now that I’m at the end there’s a lot of stress about her finally arriving, too. Good luck, hang in there!

Post # 11
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My first guess is that it might be some measure of self-protection in case something goes wrong (not conscious, of course). It definitely could be something more severe, like depression. I’m really glad to see that you’re reaching out to people here and also seeking help at home.

I don’t have any answers for you, but I just want to urge you to please not beat yourself up for how you feel. You’re not a bad person and there’s no need to feel ashamed, you’re just going through something that may take some time and the help of others. You don’t need to make yourself feel doubly bad. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself and get the help you need so you can get through this.

Post # 12
2516 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011


Post # 13
7191 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

There is a lot of talk about post partum depression- but no one ever tells you that you can be depressed during the pregnancy.  I had similar feelings during my first pregnancy and wish I had talked to someone sooner- but I felt ashamed and thought I should just feel so happy to be pregnant.  Interestingly, I did not experience that same thing with my 2nd baby- although i was on the lookout for that time.  You should go talk to your doctor.

Post # 14
6810 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Op, I think once you start to feel that baby move in you, you will feel more connected. For my pregnancy I didn’t feel connected until first felt the movements, it became more real.  I would talk to him all the time once he decided to start moving around. Then he wouldn’t quit moving!  He moved all the darn time.  I had a pretty easy pregnancy but hated being pregnant. Hated having to give up stuff I used to do, etc. 

IT should get better for but just in case definately go see a doctor!

Post # 15
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’ve been feeling a little bit the same way – I also thought I would have a lot of trouble getting pregnant because I have endometriosis, and my sister who also has endo was never able to have children. I have wanted to have children for so long, and I’ve looked forward to it more than anything else.


I ended up getting pregnant on our first cycle TTC, which was amazing of course, and I was so excited. But my first trimester has basically been hellish, I didn’t realize it was possible to feel so unrelentingly sick for so long, to the point that I often feel like I’d rather be dead or that it wouldn’t be the end of the world to miscarry. The constant, non-stop vomiting, the exhaustion, the nausea and light-headedness – there is just no relief except when I’m asleep. I just feel physically awful, like my body has been completely taken over. I don’t recognize myself or anything about the way I feel now, and so I basically try and take my mind completely off my pregnancy as much as possible. It means that I feel sort of detached like you describe, I’m not shopping for baby things or even thinking about things like that at all. In fact I go out of my way to try not to think about my pregnancy or much about the baby. It’s really weird and not how I expected to feel.


I’m optimistic that I (and you) will feel differently once the baby is actually here. I think the hormonal changes in pregnancy influence mood and outlook a lot, and affect some people in very different ways. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one!!




Post # 16
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Very sorry to hear about your cat!

Just a pipe in to say that I agree it sounds like depression to me.

But also to say that it’s okay to feel whatever you want about your pregnancy, even the negative feelings, and it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad parent.

I’ve had a long history of depressive episodes not related to pregnancy and the worst part of it is when you catch yourself in circular patterns of self-blame.

Your feelings are what they are and they’re valid.

There might also be some chemical stuff going on for you due to all the hormone shuffling that your doctor might be able to help you with.

Even trying to incorporate more exercise and mindfulness stuff, either yoga or meditation, might help you a bit.

Don’t beat yourself up!

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