- 5 years ago
hi, i’m using my anon account to spill all my personal problems to the internet again. thanks to anyone who reads this.
i’m looking to hear from people who have had issues with mood and drive and motivation and have overcome them. or have attempted to overcome them and failed. anything, really.
for just about as long as i can remember i’ve gone through periods of ups and downs, which is of course normal. lately, however, i feel that i haven’t seen “up” in a long time. my husband says it’s been years. 2-3 years. i’d have to agree. i have no idea if this is depression or me just being lazy and feeling down on myself.
these are my main problems right now:
-complete lack of motivation and drive at work and at home. i consistently do the bare minimum required to get by. this is always influenced by my desire not to dissapoint other people, not by my internal desire to succeed. i have an internal desire to be productive but i can never manage to motivate myself to do so. the only thing i’ve found that motivates me is my fear of looking like a fool in front of others or letting people i know down.
-lack of what i shall refer to as “zest”. lately i have been struggling with the meaning of life. i feel that i barely have reason to get up in the morning and live life and be alive. i am by NO means suicidal but if i didn’t have my husband, parents and brother i’d feel no real connection to the world. i have a few friends and other people i’m fond of but my bond with them as an adult is nowhere near what it used to be in high school and college. i hate to say this, but even my best friends do not have a significant impact on my life. i don’t care about what i do for a living. i am severely lacking in hobbies and other things i enjoy… and i ALWAYS have been. i love eating and cooking, but it is really more like a chore most of the time. cooking, however, has been the only thing in my life i’ve consistently enjoyed and take a sense of pride in. somewhat related: i barely have a sex drive. i love my husband and find him very attractive and enjoy close contact and snuggling but i never feel up for sex. 75% of the time we do it is because i feel guilty that i’ve been holding back. laziness, i’m sure, plays a part here.
-i get irritated and aggrivated very quickly, often at the expense of my husband. i feel terrible about this but i cannot help myself. this is again something that has gone on my entire life…. my mother usually was the one on the reieving end until i left the house. i actually have a lot of gripes and pet peeves about the general public and the way people act but of course i won’t say anything to people in public. so, my poor husband, being my other half, gets to hear all of my bitching. i really need to develop a filter around him as i know i’ve become too comfortable letting him be my sounding board. he’s so laid back… i worry that we’re only together because of my uptight nature and his easygoing nature. i get really upset thinking this way…
-all of these worries don’t bother me 24/7, but maybe once a day i’ll feel this creep of anxiety rush over me. most of the time i can hold it back but maybe 1x/ week or so if i’m upset about something completely random i will allow these feelings to multiply and mix in with all the other things i dislike about myself to make this giant wave of shit, basically. this is why i’m writing now. when i’m out and about at work and in public i’m generally very pleasant and friendly and enjoy laughing and talking with my coworkers. this comes naturally to me and i don’t struggle with this. i wouldn’t refer to this as a facade or anythng. when i am alone or at home with my husband is when this other side of me comes out. it is very strange and i don’t understand it. this is why i’m questioning if this is depression.
i went to a therapist at the beginning of this year thinking it would help. it didn’t. i feel that i see my problems very rationally. i know what my flaws are. she didn’t have any advice that i couldn’t give myself. (pick up a new hobby, while at work set a timer for 15 minutes and work without interruption, then give myself a break). i thought that having this therapist holding me responsible for making changes would motivate me to actually follow through, but nothing worked.
i dislike myself and have an incredible lack of motivation. have been feeling especially bad over the past few years. has anyone ever experienced feelings like this and managed to crawl out of the hole? is this depression or just laziness and shitting on myself?
thanks, guys. sorry for the novel. i’m going to bed but i promise tomorrow i will read and respond to any comments.