(Closed) Desperate Bride. I need advice

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

DONT DO IT!!’ This is more than cold feet. Your gut says no and for good reason. You are SO young, and that’d be okay maybe if you were sure about this but you’re not. Do. Not. Do. It.

Post # 3
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

RAKE:  I think if you re-read your post, you’ll be able to answer your own question.

You’re not ready for marriage. You’re young and want to explore life. I could call it off. Just because you call off the wedding, doesn’t mean you have to call off your relationship. You need time to learn who you are, and what you want to do in life. You have a gut feeling that getting married isn’t for you right now, and you need to follow it. Reading all these posts saying to cancel the wedding will emotionally hurt you, but once you call it off- you’ll feel a huge weight lifed off your shoulders and you’ll be able to breathe again. Trust me, because I’ve been there.

Post # 4
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

If he really loves you, he’ll wait. 20 IS young these days — you still have so much growing to do! And it sounds like you know that and crave those experiences…

I’m a bit of a late bloomer myself (28, been semi-engaged once but never married) but I am SO glad that it worked out that way! I’ve been to Europe, Australia, Japan, Canada, graduated from a great college, tried my hand at a bunch of different jobs, lived alone, etc., and I personally needed all that to figure out what I really wanted and to work through some tough childhood issues. Some people don’t, but I did. Granted, now I’m feeling the clock tick, but I feel like I dodged a bullet in that 20-year old me didn’t get to choose who I’d be spending the rest of my life with. 

That you feel suffocated is also a really bad sign… At the very least, you two need to sit down and have a SERIOUS talk about personal space and the things you still intend to achieve in your life, married or not.

Good luck, OP <3

Post # 5
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Also, the checking up thing is not normal. Behavior like that typically only gets worse, it’s compulsive and controlling. Is that why he’s pushing for a fast marriage? To further control? I don’t think you’re ready for your own reasons but he also sounds like a bad pick. He should be the needy Boyfriend or Best Friend you dump and learn from, so you find a man who respects you as an independant being.

Post # 6
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it’s honestly so mature and courageous of you to admit these feelings. I have two friends going through divorces right now and they both said they knew right before their wedding day that it wasn’t right, but they didn’t want to admit it to themselves and everyone else. There is NO shame in a cancelled wedding, and it’s much easier than getting a divorce. Your fiance reminds me of an ex and our relationship ended in a restraining order placed against him. I’m really hoping you decide to cancel the wedding and move forward. Of course it will be difficult for a while but then it will be AMAZING. Trust me. Good luck hun. <3

Post # 6
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I didn’t quite finish your whole post, but from what I can tell, you are not ready for this life-changing step. No, not everyone gets cold feet or jitters…I know I didn’t because it was the happiest day of my life and one I seriously could not wait for. You need to feel whole on your own before joining your life with someone.

“For almost the passed year I have been unhappy to a certian extent…”

But you’ve only been together a year and a half! If you continue feeling the way you do, this marriage will be more of a burden to you than a blessing. You need to have a serious talk with your fiance…better to hash it out before the wedding than get married and have it fall apart shortly afterward.

My heart goes out to you, bee! Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
5153 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

RAKE:  Leave him. You’re young. Divorces cost way more than cancelling a wedding.

Post # 8
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Wow – that’s a tough situation to be in.

Your Fiance sounds very controlling.  That is a huge red flag to me.  The fact that you describe the relationship as “rocky” even though you’re not even married yet is another one.

My gut is to say that you need to listen to your fears, and I think if I were you I would cancel the wedding.  But I know that’s far easier for me to say than for you to do a mere 10 days before the wedding.  

But I also know that canceling now is far easier (and cheaper!) than going through with the wedding, only to divorce in the not too distant future.

I know that there are plenty of bees who disagree with, and even get offended, by my belief that 20, and even 25, is far too young to get married.  Nonetheless, that is my belief, in part because I know how much I changed and grew between ages 20 and 30.  And the fact that you have not achieved many of your goals (like education) or desires (like travel) only confirms my belief that you are not yet ready.  

Will your parents support you if you decide you don’t want to go through with it?  I hope so.  If not, find someone who will — a friend, classmate, teacher, or even counselor at school.

Good luck.  And remember that there are better times ahead!

Post # 9
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery

Oh, honey. I can’t imagine how hard it is to realize these things–and at this moment.

Honestly though, you know what you need to do. You need to live your life, gain some independence and experiences and find out who you really are and what you really want before you can even think about being tied to another person. 

It’s so easy for relationships, especially when people are young, to get to that co-dependency, suffocating level. Going to university, traveling, falling in love, getting your heart broken–those are all things that make us better people and better partners for the right person. 

None of this will be easy or pleasant to deal with in the immediate sense (I know, I had a somewhat similar experience at 21) but I think if you follow your gut instinct, you will be a much happier, healthier person in the long run. Good luck! 

Post # 10
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. 

Honey, I’m so sorry you are going through this. There is no way you should feel this way if he was the one. 

We have 2 – 21 yr olds, a 19 yr old and 2 – 8 yr olds and there is NO WAY we would let any of them get married right now. You have not experienced life. You should definitely get an education, live by yourself, travel and fall in and out of love before you find the one you marry. Your brain does not stop maturing and growing until you are 25. You need more time. 

As a parent of someone your age, please just talk to them and tell them that you can’t do it. Spill your heart out to them. Tell them you know they paid for almost everything and how you truly appreciate all of it but that you know deep down that you don’t want to get married yet and that he’s not the one for you and that you just can’t do it. 

Yes they might be upset at first from the costs incurred, but most of all they love you and want to see you happy and will understand. Ask if you can move in with them for a little bit until you can find a place of your own. Have a plan. Then talk to your Fiance, give the ring back and plan to move out. Yes – it will be emotional and hard to do but you will so much better off. 

Post # 11
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

RAKE:  I was in your position at your age and went through with the wedding. It lasted a year. I’m not saying that it will happen to you, but I wish I listened to my gut then. Facing a canceled wedding is way easier emotionally  and cheaper then a divorce. 

So now I’m a flight attendant (took care of the traveling thing For sure), own my own place, went through plenty of heartbreak and finally feel comfortable in my own skin. It took a long time to get where I am and I don’t regret getting divorced.  I just wish I listened to myself and never went through with it.

id sucggest talking to a therapist and sort out your feelings. It’s YOUR life, be selfish and be strong.  There’s nothing wrong with canceling a wedding until you are a 100% certain. 

Post # 12
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

RAKE: It’s WAY better to break an engagement than getting a divorce. It sounds like it will end up badly if you don’t call it quits now. Please, don’t ignore the red flags. I’ve just read a thread of a lady who wants to divorce just a few months into the wedding – you certainly wouldn’t want that. Divorce is painful and leaves scars.    

Post # 13
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ruuuuuuuuuuun!!!! Don’t make this mistake. Not when you KNOW its a mistake!!! Call it off. Move back home if you have to. But get gone, now lady!!!! 

Post # 14
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

No one here can tell you what to do however you need to sit down and do some serious soul searching.  From what it sounds like, your personalities don’t mesh together well if you are feeling suffocated.  Have you told your fiance how you feel? 

I know you don’t want to hurt him but you do need to decide what’s best for you because it’s not fair to him either to be with someone who you you’re not in love with.  I say that because if you were in love, there would be no doubts in your mind. 

Don’t feel like you have to get married just because of what everyone else will think because nobody has to live your life except you.  You need to do what makes you happy.  Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t always the easiest.  Good luck

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