- 4 years ago
I myself am engaged, but I am making this post about a wedding I am IN, not my own wedding.
This is going to be long, and I’m sorry in advance for that, but I’m not quite sure what to do. I’m a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding at the end of November. There are 5 bridesmaids in total – all of us are cousins and have grown up together: me, the Maid/Matron of Honor (who is the bride’s sister), and 3 other girls we’ll call A, B, and C.
Essentially, the Maid/Matron of Honor and the bride’s mother (my aunt) have been handling/planning EVERYTHING related to this wedding without communicating a lot (or sometimes any) of the information to the rest of us bridesmaids. I have detailed and ranty examples below if you are interested. If you’re not interested, I included a “Too Long: Didn’t Read” summary at the bottom LOL.
Since we live in different parts of the state, the bridesmaids have had exactly 1 group meeting all together in person to brainstorm ideas for the bridal shower (which is the first weekend in Sept). The meeting was 2-3 months ago. It went well and was productive. We suggested different venues for the shower and Maid/Matron of Honor listed all the suggestions because my aunt was going to call around and compare pricing and size. Only one suggested venue was vetoed because girls B & C had had terrible experiences there (we were told 2 months later, that is exactly where the shower IS being held). We left that meeting agreeing to find ideas for shower games, decorations, and invitations and that we’d share everything in our group Facebook chat two weeks later.
Well two weeks later on the scheduled date, A,B,C, and myself got onto Facebook and started sharing all the ideas we had found. Maid/Matron of Honor was absent from the conversation and according to the timestamp on the chat didn’t even see it until 4 hours later, then responded, “I forgot I asked you guys to do this…my mom and I pretty much figured everything out and got a TON of decorations and have the games and menu all planned out.” She didn’t go into details, but asked for financial contributions to pay the two of them back for what they had spent. So they basically planned the whole thing before they could even take our ideas into account. She said they were still trying to find invitations though.
3 days later, I get a group text from Maid/Matron of Honor saying that she found the PERFECT shower invitations and had already ordered them, along with a pic of the invites. It wasn’t a “Hey what do you think of these?” it was a “This is what we already bought” and included the cost into what we already owed them for the other shower items. Since she and I live relatively close, I offered to go over there one day and help pack them, address them, and send them out. She said that would be a HUGE help and said she’d let me know when they came in, which of course she never did. <br /> <br /> Another month and a half went by with no new info when a bridal shower invitation arrived at my house in the mail (so much for me helping send them out!!). The next day, B sent a message on Facebook saying “when did we decide on invitations?!” Maid/Matron of Honor responded by saying she had texted a picture of them to everyone a while back, and if we didn’t see it or read it it’s our own fault. Girl A got onto the chat too and said she had never gotten a text about the invites either. Going into my phone inbox, I looked at the text that included the pic of the invitations and the other numbers the message had been sent to, and sure enough, it looks like Maid/Matron of Honor only texted it to me and C for some reason. I didn’t notice it at the time, I just assumed it had gone to everyone.
Well, that was the final straw. Girl A said an angry “WOW thanks for including us in all your planning” and removed herself from the conversation (as in, one of us has to take the action of adding her back in if we want her to rejoin). Maid/Matron of Honor was confused. The rest of us finally and calmly explained that we felt as though decisions were being made unilaterally by her and her mother and not being effectively communicated to us after the fact, or not communicated at all. We explained that we felt useless and left out…that we agreed to be bridesmaids because we wanted to be involved in the planning and willing to contribute to the work, not just financially but creatively as well. We explained our frustration over the fact that Maid/Matron of Honor and her mother had purchased and planned everything for the shower before we could even share our ideas with them, and frustration that other ideas were simply ignored (like not wanting the shower venue that was ultimately chosen). We acknowledged that most of the responsibility in the planning of the shower indeed falls with her and her mother, but that we should have at least been involved in or properly informed of final decisions.
Well Maid/Matron of Honor got very offended and accused us of being unappreciative of everything she and her mother had done. She felt that she HAD been communicating well with us throughout the whole process, and truly did not seem to understand how or why we felt excluded. She just did not get why we were upset at all. Later, I talked to A and found out that she and Maid/Matron of Honor had privately discussed A making shower invitations herself, and A had already taken the time to make a bunch of different sample mock ups that she had shown Maid/Matron of Honor. MOH said she loved them all, but then went ahead and ordered other invitations without telling her or B. A only found out about it when the invitation arrived at her home.
We’ve known Maid/Matron of Honor our entire lives. She is truly one of the nicest, kindest, most empathetic and mature people I have ever met. She has never been controlling, or one to do everything herself, and has NEVER been the type to exclude anyone from anything (this is a girl who invited her entire graduating class to her grad party though she had never met half of them). I’m sure she’s extremely stressed and feels responsible for everything, but we’re all so shocked and baffled by her behavior throughout this whole thing. The fact that she can’t see why we feel the way we do is very unlike her as well. I’m stunned that she allowed A to believe she was going to be making the shower invites, told her she loved her work, then ended up ordering from a company without telling her. There’s been no apology from her, or acknowledgment of our feelings since. She didn’t even acknowledge or explain the fact that she sent the text about the invitations to only 2 of us. The shower is the first weekend in Sept. and she hasn’t responded to any of our messages in a month. B, C, and I have all apologized for “ganging up on her” (though truly we were very calm about it and tried to refrain from being too accusatory), and that all we want is to just HELP and know what’s going on. But she hasn’t responded. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. I don’t want her to tell the bride that we haven’t contributed or anything (which is true, but not exactly our fault…we have all offered to do various things and were not taken up on them). A is still furious about everything, and REFUSES to apologize or pay her portion of ANYTHING (decorations, invites, venue) because she had no say or choice in any of it. She has made this VERY clear to Maid/Matron of Honor.
We’re all just struggling with everything now. I’m well aware that we should have communicated our issues to Maid/Matron of Honor months ago after the first incident of this, but I guess we let her slide because it’s just SO unlike her so we thought it could just be attributed to stress, or her forgetting, or that they were isolated incidents. But she has not taken responsibility for any part of this, and I wish we hadn’t let it get this far. C thinks we should go over her head and tell the bride how crazy she’s being but B and I aren’t so sure…we don’t want to upset Bride or make her feel uncomfortable or awkward. I don’t feel like she should have to diffuse this whole thing.
TL;DR: Maid/Matron of Honor and bride’s mom have planned the entire bridal shower without communicating with the rest of the bridal party until well after the fact. We are all eager to help and have each made offers to help in specific and various ways, which ultimately have not been accepted. We have been in the dark about everything and feel very useless. We expressed our frustrations to Maid/Matron of Honor and, with the shower in 2 weeks she is not responding to our attempts at contact or making any acknowledgement that she has left us out. This is extremely strange and out of character behavior for Maid/Matron of Honor. Nothing has improved and one Bridesmaid or Best Man is refusing to contribute financially because she had nothing to do with the planning.<br /> <br />Are we being completely unreasonable? As a bride, would you want to know if this was happening in your wedding party? Any ideas/suggestions on how we can all just move forward and have a smooth, enjoyable bridal shower (and everything beyond)?