(Closed) Desperate friend (vent)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2 posts
  • Wedding: December 2010

So let me sum up what you are saying. Your friend is so desperate to gain a second income that she will marry anyone just to get her child to come home, and you’re worried about how she’ll be at your wedding? I think you should stop contacting this person, because she obviously could do better without you as her friend. One small party shouldn’t be important enough for you to ignore your “friend’s” economic situation. [comment moderated for personal attack]

Post # 4
3135 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@ariliz1010 I think you’re being a little hard on her. There’s a little bridezilla hint at the end, but really, we’ve all had this friend that just draaaaains you. there’s nothing OP can do to help her because she doesn’t want help. This girl is sad and desperate and I’m sure there have been thousands of conversations about her situation.

@MissZeta I say make sure you have a buffer friend who can scoot her away from you (or out of the room) if she is having some sort of melt down. otherwise, ignore any nonsense from her during your wedding. seriously- if she’s crying in your face, it is within your rights to turn and walk away. after this, cut her out if necessary.

Post # 5
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@MissZeta:  Your friend sounds like she is awfully lost. You can be a support to her to indeed be self-sufficient, but you don’t have to get swallowed up in her woes, either. Though you care for her well-being, is not your responsibility to handle her life. Point her in the direction of free counseling, with an exact phone number and contact person to call. Every time she tries to turn to complain or be overly upset about marriage, etc., you then, as a friend, ask her if she contacted the counselor. This way, you distance yourself from the agony, and help her face her resolution instead of continuing to despair upon you to no end. If this gets tiresome, or it already is, perhaps it is best that you reevaluate this friendship, above and beyond her being a bridesmaid.

Post # 6
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@ariliz1010:  I don’t think that’s what she meant. From reading the post, I would have concerns about this friend’s mental state at a wedding (not just OP’s wedding).


OP, it sounds like you’re doing what you can. Just keep repeating the sensible advice – she needs to get herself in order, shift her priorities, etc. Hopefully she’ll be ready to hear it.

Post # 7
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

In my family there are four children, the oldest two (my sister and I) were raised to always be independant and never have to rely on anyone else for support (financially, and otherwise).  

Your friend has not a single idea about who SHE IS.  This is not about getting married or being self-sufficient, this is about ignoring the underlying problem and masking it with what everyone has, which she thinks will make her happy.

She needs to be single, she needs to focus on her daughter and she needs to start bettering herself.  Move in with a parent or friend to decrease her costs of living and take a course, get a better paying job.  She needs to deal with herself and her own problems and talk to a professional.

Her desperation will lead her down a long, dark, painful path.  It is a rabbit’s hole that will be very difficult to get out of.  There is a very good chance that she will act out around the time of your wedding (my sister sure as heck did at mine), but if she is a close friend and you love her, you’ve got bigger fish to fry. 


Post # 8
2 posts
  • Wedding: December 2010



I would just like to point out to both of you that if a woman has to work 80 hours a week and still can’t afford to bring her child home for 5 years then there is more of a problem involved than just her mental state,[comment moderated for personal attack]

@MissZeta: [comment removed for personal attack]

Post # 9
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am worried about how she is going to be on my wedding day.

I am reading this line as if the OP is concerned how her friend would feel/react on her wedding day due to her personal issues, not that OP is concerned how the friend would “ruin” her wedding day.  I see nothing wrong in coming to wedding bee, where it’s a SUPPORTIVE community for people to turn to for advice when sometimes it’s hard to find someone in real life to talk to.


@MissZeta:  It sounds like your friend is really stressed out over life in general, that she might be overwhelmed.  I don’t really have much advice except that I think you’re already doing what you can without being drained and pulled into her issues too much either.  There’s always a point where you can only help someone so much…you can’t help those who don’t want the help.

Post # 10
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@ariliz1010:  I also took it to mean that she’ll be emotional or weird about being in the OP’s wedding, not that OP is worried it will reflect badly on her or that the girl will ruin the day or anything.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what to say about your friend, except maybe tell her the cold hard facts that men don’t like women who have low standards and are desperate, let alone desperate to get married, and worst of all, want a husband just for the paycheck! There have to be other things at play in her life, because this sounds terrible.

Post # 11
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@ariliz1010:  That is beyond unnecessary. You obviously have an axe to grind that has nothing to do with this post.

Post # 12
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would remind my friend that the majority of child abuse cases happens when the man in the house in not the biological father, so she should be VERY cautious rushing into something. I would also encourage her toward goals.. Maybe a 2 year nursing degree or something else that pays well but doesnt require much school. I definitely gather you meant you don’t want her to get further marriage fever from your wedding instead of what previous posters have implied. I wouldn’t dwell much on your wedding when talking to her but rather how happy you are for her friendship and support. Bottom line is you can’t change someone. As a friend let her know how you feel, then just be there for her..

Post # 13
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Ho Boy.

My advice? Don’t take these problems on as your own.

Her pregnancy was not your mistake, her job situation is not your mistake.. If she doesn’t have a bub at home living with her, she can definitely do part time school. I don’t know about your system, but in Aus you can get a student allowance. It’s not much but it helps when you aren’t working full time, I hope something similar is available for her.

I think you are within your rights to be concerned about her emotional state at your wedding, she sounds hysterical about it. I am known to become hysterical myself and I know when it’s something you’re wanting and obsessing over it completely takes over and the last thing you want is a breakdown when you’re stressed too.  However, she is reaching out to you, which means she needs you to be her friend, not the bride she is bridesmaid for.

I would sit down with her and develop a plan. A 5 year plan. Unfortunately desperation is a very strong smell and men tend to run from it. Going back to a relationship that failed is not the answer. Going to a job everyday that does not pay the bills and that you have to work like a dog for is not the way forward. 

I always try to live by the saying “If nothing changes, nothing changes”. She cannot expect a new outcome from the same situation if she doesn’t make any alterations.

She sounds like she needs some strong guidance, either from you or from a professional. Perhaps its worthwhile sitting with her and looking at career options, giving her a goal, something to work towards and look forward to. I feel for her, and I feel for you. It’s a horrible situation to be in.  Marriage is not the answer for her, and you already know this.. its getting her to understand it thats an issue. Has she tried internet dating? Reputable dating like eharmony or rsvp.com?

Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to be engaged and planning a wedding.. but I am more happy to havea wonderful relationship and a caring partner. If my fiance changed, became a nasty selfish man who didn’t treat me nicely I would leave him – even if it meant not being married.  THe marriage is the commitment, but the relationship is the foundation.

I hope for both your sakes you can help her to sort this out.


Post # 15
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Sounds like your friend is very fortunate to have you in her life- you’re being very sensitive to her, and obviously care a lot about her. You’re smart keeping the wedding talk with her to a minimum- unless a friend is enthusiastic (a couple of my married friends really want to help), I don’t really mention details. It’s tough seeing friends get married when you’re alone- weddings are supposed to be such happy occasions, but for the single ladies, it can seem like a cruel reminder- “all the rest of my friends have someone to love and I don’t.” However, it seems a lot worse for your friend- there seem to be some major self-esteem issues there. Instead of getting married, she should get a roommate, if her reason for getting married is to improve her financial situation. I would suggest yoga and/or counseling, but sounds like she couldn’t afford either.

If she wants to finish her education, a job at a university could be a great option. 

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