Post # 1
My fiance and I will be married this October. He asked his brother to stand up for him, and I asked his brother’s girlfriend, "Sara" to stand up for me. Shortly after, the brother proposed to his girlfriend, and she began planning her own wedding. I have also asked my fiance’s sister and his cousin to stand up for me, and both women are very close to me. "Sara" has also asked them to stand up for her, and told them to tell me I should go bridesmaid dress shopping with them. "Sara" then called me, and asked me to be her personal attendant, stating that she already has six bridesmaids and one more would be too many. (I only have five in my party.) I took offense to this, and declined her invitation. I feel that she is blatently going out of her way to leave me out of her wedding, after I sincerely wanted her to be a part of mine, and I even arranged it so her and her fiance would be walking down the aisle together. She got fitted for my bridesmaids dresses and called me to tell me she thought they were "simple." And she’s made it clear to me that she dislikes the color pink, which is the color of dresses I picked out for my bridesmaids.
She began sending me nasty e-mails, telling me I should be gracious enough that I was even considered to have ANY role in her wedding. She told me I’m jealous and insecure for declining her invitation to be her personal attendant because I "didn’t get the role I wanted." I never asked to be in her wedding, and I’m hurt at the fact that she’s always just treated me so poorly, and I made an attempt to include her and make her feel as though she was important to me. And all I’ve gotten out of it were snide remarks and her looking down her nose at me.
After telling me that she’d rather not be "an obligation in a $220 pink dress," I told her if she didn’t want to stand up for me, that was her choice. Now not only is she not standing up for me, but her fiance, (my fiance’s ONLY brother) has pulled out of the wedding as well. I have three months til my wedding, and they have over ten months til theirs. Am I wrong for having hurt feelings over this? Or should I just shut up and cater to her beck and call, ignore all feelings of being left out and get over it? This whole situation has created a rift in the relationship of the brothers involved and my fiance feels that I’ve been snubbed and he’s also hurt by this.
Post # 3
I would personally be hurt and then to pull out of your wedding when it’s only 3 months away. How rude! I have no advice, but just wanted to say that you have every right to feel the way you do. I’m sorry you have to go thru this.
I hope things improve somehow.
Post # 4
Wow. What was your FBILs excuse for not being a groomsman?
It’s one thing if Sara doesn’t want to be in the wedding, but the groom’s only brother?!
Post # 5
Sounds like she lashed out when she felt hurt… that doesn’t reflect super well on her.
But with her Fiance pulling out, you actually have a pretty nice opportunity to have a wedding without any wedding party! Maybe just have your family walk you both down the aisle, and then get married without bridesmaids or groomsmen?
Post # 6
I had a bridesmaid that pushed her way into my wedding and then treated me horribly. I couldn’t figure out whether I should let it go in an attempt to be a zen bride or fight for my right to be happy without a weight on my shoulders. Mr. Wonderful told me that no matter what I am feeling, I should be honest and come clean so that I could enjoy myself on this great day. I braved the conversation and she is no longer in my wedding. Or speaking to me.
I understand this awful feeling you have in your stomach and I am so sorry.
My advise to you is this: stop replying to the nast emails and don’t confront her any longer. Try not to cut her out of your life completely but certainly don’t pretend as though this is okay. This will someday pass and you two will be in eachothers lives forever. If it were me, I would hold a place in the wedding for the grooms brother up until the minute you are walking down the aisle. (Maybe have a heart to heart with him??) If he has the opportunity to stand by his brothers side come wedding day and opts to not be there, have a plan "B" in order (2 groomsmen walk the Maid of honor down the aisle??) and know in your mind that you did your best.
Post # 7
I agree with Brookem that you’ve got to take care of yourself for your wedding day. It should be one special moment piled on top of the other, so don’t let anything take away from that. Still, Brookem is right to say you should keep a place in the wedding party for your FH’s brother.
I do have to say though, this is one of the most immature wedding dilemmas I’ve heard about. I think it was wonderful that you tried to include this girl in your wedding, and your plans to accomidate her engagement too were very sweet. But not everything is tit-for-tat. Getting your nose out of joint because she did not reciprocate by including you equally in her wedding might not be fair. You are two different people. I understand having your feelings slightly hurt, but you’re obviously not best friends anyways, so it couldn’t have been that big of a blow. If you dislike her so much as you say, ("…she’s always treated me so poorly…") it might have been a hasty choice to invite her to be part of your wedding party.
While I know this is about your big day, it’s also about the rest of your life. This girl is going to be part of your life forever, and I know you must love your FH so much, and want him to maintain a relationship with his brother. This is NOT usually my style, but I would suggest striking a deal with the two of them. You shouldn’t have to suck it up about your wedding day BY ANY MEANS, but maybe you can suck it up for hers.
Stop replying to the nasty emails, call her and her fiancee up, and take the high ground. Apologize for causing any hurt feelings (you don’t exactly have to say you did something wrong) and consider asking them back into your wedding party. Offer to be her attendant on her big day (it’s not really a huge sacrifice to make for family unity!) and request that in return she be 100% supportive of your wedding day choices, including the little things like bridesmaid dresses!
You don’t have to let her bully you over your wedding, but at the same time, you could probably muster up enough maturity to play the role she wants you to play in hers. Her wedding day might not be the joy of your life, but appeasing her might compell her to be better to you, and save the relationship between your FH and his brother.
I’m speaking from experience on this stuff because my family is really divided over stupid issues like these. You really don’t want to start your marriage off on this note! As much as I’m sure you just want to walk up and slap her (I would!) channel that energy into making something work!
Post # 8
You should do what will make you happy the day of your wedding without burning any bridges along the way. Good luck:)
Post # 9
I think the bridges have already been burned. My FH’s brother gave no reason as to why he pulled out, but we’re both sure that she made him because she was no longer going to stand up either. My FH doesn’t even want her at the wedding now, because he’s never been particularly fond of her, (yet he respected my decision to have her be a part of my life), and now he’s worried she’ll cause problems in effort to ruin our day. He’s worried his brother won’t even attend. I have since apologized to her, in effort to smooth things over. But why am I apologizing for having hurt feelings? And I’ve found out that it was my fiance’s brother that didn’t want me to stand up in their wedding in the first place! I love my future husband and his daughter more than anything…but I’m starting to worry that his family has "issues."