Desperately need advice

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

): sorry you had to see that. Just curious,  are these women super young and you’re closer to his age or? Just wondering if it’s a matter of them spending a little more time at the gym or just being completely out of their age bracket it’s making you super insecure about him looking at the photos… Which is total bs on his part, don’t get me wrong. 

And I don’t believe for a second that they were old pics. If that immediately popped up when you opened it to play some music, that means it was open recently.  I have old dead apps on my phone that I never go into a, and they don’t just randomly pop up, I literally have to search for them if i want them because they’re not easily accessible.

Post # 3
36 posts



wow must have been a shock to you. I balk at the idea he needed to keep them secretly safe on his phone it just sounds fishy. I would always question: What else are you hiding from me?

Post # 4
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You are never going forget and forgive him  i sure as hell wouldnt and you barely know him at all. I knew of a guy who would down load snapchat while he was at work and delete it after so his gf wouldnt go through his things. There is always a way for the sly and his girl checked his stuff every day. Went through his emails fb ig everything becaude she didnt trust him. And rightfully cuz there he was chatting me up and telling me and my other friend about it (it was platonic from us as we were in committed relationships and we were his friends before that gf)

He only begged on his knees for you because he got caught.

I would give his ring back until i could trust him

Post # 5
7373 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m sorry bee. I do think it’s possible that he’s telling you the truth…I know I am really bad about deleting old, unused apps from my phone…although I do feel like I would have been more proactive about getting rid of a racy dating type app once I was in a monogamous relationship. I don’t know, some people are just clueless and lazy about that sort of thing though. Of course, it’s equally possible he’s full of shit. I don’t know what I’d do in your situation – is there any way to find out when was the last time he opened the app? 

Post # 6
497 posts
Helper bee

I don’t delete anything. I am awful. Is this the ONLY thing that has ever made you think twice? 

Post # 8
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I had a somewhat similar issue come up with my fiance, except it wasn’t an app, it was Google Photos. We were looking at old pics on GP with her phone and she scrolled a bit and there were dirty pics from a previous girlfriend on there.

Well, I lost my shit, just as you did, and it was a whole crazy couple of days where I was constantly questioning what else I didn’t know about, why would she have not deleted the photos by now, etc. Of course she apologized profusely and deleted them immediately, but it was still a really difficult thing for me to process, even though I could clearly tell the photos were old. She basically said she wasn’t keeping them on purpose and just rarely goes through Google Photos, so didn’t realize they were still there.

After I had some time to process, I realized my response was more about my own insecurities than the pics themselves. I kept wondering if she secretly missed that person, or wished I looked more like her, etc. But the bigger issue, I think, was that those photos were a literally in-my-face reminder that I’m not the only person she’s done things with or loved, and that’s not generally something I like to actively think about, you know?

Eventually, I worked through my feelings and we have moved on and we are perfectly happy now, but it was definitely a big blow for a few days there, so I get what you’re feeling right now and it can be really hard to process.

I think what this comes down to is this: Do you believe him? If so, then process your feelings and work on moving past it. If not, that’s an entirely different issue.

Good luck, Bee. *hugs*

Post # 9
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I am also terrible about deleting anything on my phone. I was still on the dating app my fiancee and I met on until his friend alerted me and then showed me how to delete my profile at the bar the other night. 

This is a tough one, because his overreaction makes me think there is more to it. If I had something suspicious on my phone and my fiancee uncovered it, my response would have been “oh shit, didn’t know that was still on there, just delete it will ya?” I know ex’s have had that app and I made sure when we broke up all my pics were deleted. But I am also overly cautious. 

I think you need to really see if you can move past this or not. If you feel like he’s not telling the whole truth and that’s why you can’t get past it, then you two are due for another conversation. If you believe him (people forget to delete things all the time) and you want to continue the relationship, then you need time to process this and he should totally understand. Either way, I think a thearpy session would be beneficial for both of you. 

Post # 10
103 posts
Blushing bee

I never delete anything on my phone, I am just too lazy, to be honest. If my fiance checked my iphone, he’d find some old pics of my exes. Everyone has a past including you and your fiance. What does your gut tell you? Was it your trust that was ruined or you are just feeling insecure? 


Post # 11
260 posts
Helper bee

I also don’t delete anything, and know about these apps, it’s actually probably the safest way to ‘store’ naked photos you’ve received rather than just on your photo stream/gallery.

If this is the only thing out of the ordinary & you don’t have suspicions I would take him on his word, I have about 100 apps and some I would forget I had, i accidentally found a dating app hidden away in a folder not long ago, haven’t opened it thought about it or used it for years, it’s just lived there deleted now.

Post # 13
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Honestly in your case I would assume the worst and consider how you feel about that moving forward.

Assume he had kept that app and those photos because he was still using them for masturbation. Can you move on from that considering that he deleted the app and gave you permission to search his computer? Do you believe that he will continue to be transparent with you while your trust restabilizes?

And as for the insecurity, it is my belief and understanding that porn use and fantasizing happens regardless of whether someone is attracted to their partner. The novelty of other people and the ease of masturbation is appealing for many people, especially men. Not that hoarding nudes and photos of female friends isn’t disrespectful or a problem in itself, because I think it is, but I don’t think it’s a sign that someone isn’t attracted to their partner. It’s more just a sign that they have questionable boundaries.

Post # 14
87 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, I believe him. And pictures are just pictures, if he truly wanted to be with these women he’d be emotionally cheating. 

I have the same app with pictures of an ex that honestly I’ve just been too lazy to delete. I never ever look at them, and I barely open the app. I’m about to get engaged with my new boyfriend, and I know he’d believe me if he found them, because they don’t mean anything to me. 

If you want the truth, and he has an iPhone, open up the settings and the screen time app or battery section will show you how long he’s had the app open in the past week or so. 

Even if he had been looking at them, I’d understand to an extent. Emotionally charged content is just more sexy. I’d be way more concerned if you found child porn or something disturbing. This sounds like something pretty normal you should try your best work past. He obviously loves you very much!

Post # 15
4287 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Even if he had been looking at them, I’d understand to an extent. Emotionally charged content is just more sexy. I’d be way more concerned if you found child porn or something disturbing.”

Emotionally charged content is just more sexy? Wtf? Op is perfectly within her rights to think that looking at nude pictures of a ex during their relationship is crossing a line and the fact that you basically say at least it isn’t child porn is so disturbing!

lynnnie :  

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