Post # 1
I genuinely need some objective advice.
I have been friends with my Maid/Matron of Honor since the start of School (14 years). We were very close until she moved to live with her then boyfriend. We would then talk on the phone occasionally (though when we did it would be for hours) and met up a couple of times a year for Christmas/birthdays. She was my obvious choice for Maid/Matron of Honor.
Last year my Maid/Matron of Honor and I went on holiday together. She was going through a rough patch at work so perhaps this is understandable, but it was the worst holiday EVER. She was horrible to me. Belittling and nasty. She was single at the time and was annoyed with me if someone took a shine to me rather than her (I was very clear to everyone that I was engaged and not available, wore my engagement ring etc). Once on the holiday she mentioned that since all these guys like me I must have something that guys thought was attractive, though she had no idea what. I let it go since she was unhappy with herself at the time. We went a few months without talking to let the dust settle.
She has not been supportive of the wedding AT ALL. I sent an email with my ideas hoping to get feedback and I got none. She just messaged back asking about seating arrangements. She does not call/text to ask how things are going. I thought this was because she considered the wedding to be so far away (I asked her 2 years in advance of the wedding date). But 11 months to go, she still doesn’t seem to care. I arranged to go bridesmaid dress shopping. I am paying for the dress. I gave her dates to choose from and she picked one. 2 weeks before the appointment she says its her anniversary. I explained that since the other BMs had already bought their travel tickets to get to the appointment I couldn’t rearrange. She said that was ok. 2 days before the appointment she said she couldn’t afford the ticket since she had just started a new job. I transferred the travel money to her account so she could get the train. On the day of the appointment she said she decided to take the car instead, as stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be able to make the appointment. By this point I just didn’t care anymore. I had a great time with the Bridesmaid or Best Man who did come. In truth, I would say she was my best friend and not my Maid/Matron of Honor. My Maid/Matron of Honor has not looked into the hen do at all. My sisters have now started looking around because they don’t want me to have to plan my own hen.
Before the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress appointment I called her and told her I was unhappy. She said she did care about my wedding but that she had been having a tough year with jobs etc. I truly do appreciate this. That’s why I transferred the travel money to her (even though my other Bridesmaid or Best Man earns less than her and used the advance notice I had given them both to save up for it).
It’s not that I think she has been an awful Bridesmaid or Best Man and therefore shouldn’t be in the wedding. Of course, she just needs to turn up to the wedding, everything else should be a bonus. But my problem is I just don’t feel close to her anymore. It breaks my heart.
Bees, what do I do?
Post # 3
Keep her in the wedding, and then afterwards slowly draw back from the friendship. I know you said she mentioned the trouble with jobs etc when talking about the dress appointment, but besides that have you guys talked about other stuff recently or is it mainly wedding stuff? She might feel resentful if that’s all you talk about.
Post # 4
The question you have to ask yourself is if you want to continue the friendship or not.
I’m NOT of the camp that the MOH/BMs are just supposed to show up and look pretty, so I would be beyond annoyed that she didn’t make the dress appointment after you paid her way to go. I also think she should have been planning her shower and bachelorette party. And, as miserable as she is in her life, she needs to set that aside and be a good friend to you and be supportive of this time in your life. If she can’t do that, then she needs to say that and step down as Maid/Matron of Honor – come as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or a guest.
If you want to continue the friendship, it’s time to have a serious heart to heart with her about where she is in her life and how it’s affecting you and how to be a good friend.
If you’re less inclined to keep the friendship going, I would ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor and come as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or guest. Tell her you think it’s too much responsibility for her. This really might cause a huge fight and ruin the friendship though, so be forewarned.
Post # 5
@linnylou_88: based on how she treated you on your trip together, it seems like maybe you guys were rifting apart, and it has nothing to do with the wedding. Some friendships, as much as we want them to, don’t last forever. I would ask your friend to step down as the Maid/Matron of Honor, explaining that since she’s had a tough year, it would be better for you and her if she solely focused on her job situation. Then you should discuss the overall friendship. Tell her you are willing to put in an effort to make it work. If she says she is as well, then continue the friendship. If you continue to see a lack of effort made on her part, talk to her again and let her know that you feel this relationship needs a break. Best of luck!
Post # 6
@Jacqui90: We met up about 4 months ago for dinner. We talked loads, just like old times. Not once did she mention the wedding, neither did I. I am very aware that wedding talk can get old – thank God for Weddingbee.
Post # 7
@linnylou_88: Well it sounds like your friendship, besides those few months after vacation, is good besides the wedding side of it. She may be slightly resentful that you are getting married and she is still single, but she may not.
Post # 8
@futuremrsk18: It’s not the lack of Maid/Matron of Honor duties she is fulfilling that is getting to me. Mainly, it’s the completely lack of interest, let alone excitement. My big sister has been nothing but critical about my wedding decisions, but at least she offers up ideas, asks me how things are going etc. i just don’t feel close to her anymore. But thats a very tough conversation to have with someone you have been friends with for 14 years. I don’t feel excited having her there with me on my wedding day. I want to be surrounded by people I love and who love me and Fiance
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor just isn’t in a wedding frame of mind right now. Just because you are in a wedding frame of mind, that doesn’t mean that she has to be. Sometimes it hurts to see a friend moving on to a new stage of life when you know that you are just not there, and maybe even doubt whether you’ll ever get there. Can you accept that Maid/Matron of Honor is just not going to be excited about your wedding? Can you still consider her a friend even if she isn’t into this one thing? Weddings can bring out the good things about relatiobnships, and they can also bring out the sticking points. It’s up to you to decide if you want to work through this sticking point with your friend.
EDIT: FWIW, 11 months before the wedding is a really long time ahead to be planning a hen do. Now if it were 2 months pre-wedding, that’s a different story. But your weding is still 11 months away. That is the entire length of many engagements. It’s still really far away.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I don’t think there is any reason she should have been planning your bachelorette party yet…that is something that can wait until a couple of months before even! But what I find extremely rude for her to have done is not gone to your SM dress fitting when you went as far as to pay for her train ticket! It really seems like she had NO plans to come in the first place and was just fooling you. So inconsiderate!
That comment on your holiday, if it was as scathing as it comes across in your post, is rude enough as is. A best friend would at least pretend interest in your wedding if it came up. If she continues to be outspoken about not caring about your wedding I would just give her the option to step down if she likes.
Post # 11
@linnylou_88: I do agree w/ the others about it being too early to start planning a bachelorette party. 11 months is kind of early, I don’t think I was planning it at that time.
Honestly, she might not be excited (and I wouldn’t expect her to be as excited as you, especially since you’ve been engaged for 2 years and the excitement wears off) OR she just might not show it in a way you are expecting. She might be genuinely happy for you, but just not ask you about how the wedding planning is going.
Unless she’s recently engaged or married, I wouldn’t expect her to be excited about things as you are.
So for those reasons, I’m sort of changing my answer – I feel like I’m missing something from the equation here – all of a sudden because she doesn’t ask you often enough about how wedding planning is going, you feel less close to her?
Post # 12
A month after my friend asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, I got divorced. My ex-husband also told me he was getting remarried. That time in my life was HARD! I was hurting so much. My friend also was calling me and wondering why I don’t ask about the wedding, or have wedding shower plans, etc…I really felt like I failed at being a Maid/Matron of Honor. I asked her to bear with me, that I DO care about the wedding, and I WILL come through for her. I needed to get through my ex’s wedding date. He got married as planned, and I pulled myself together for my friend. (AND…consequently met SO at the wedding:))
What I’m trying to say is maybe somethings up. She may not want to confide in you to bring you down. Give her time. Talk to her about anything other than the wedding. She may be sick of it by now with a long engagement.