Despicable Me

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
399 posts
Helper bee

I’m a divorce lawyer, I live in Canada, we have no fault divorce. If someone cheats they don’t lose their entitlement to spousal support or property. I have male clients in similar situations to your losing their minds that they have to pay spousal support to their stay-at-home-wife when she has cheated. I always tell them cheating is not the cause of the breakup. Cheating is a symptom of underlying clauses.

It sounds like you recognize a lot of good qualities in your husband, but you haven’t mentioned what has led you to feeling such a disconnect. I’m glad you’re in therapy to work through your feelings, maybe you could phrase attending therapy together as something your counsellor has suggested so he can understand what you’re going through.

Hollywood promises us romantic fairy-tale endings, but I don’t think that’s what real love is. I’d suggest trying to respark your relationship with your husband. Maybe he sees you as mum, maybe you see him as dad. Try to get back to seeing him as sexy hubby.

Best of luck sorting this all out. 

Post # 3
1360 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re a class A bitch because of this–because I recognize that human relationships, romantic and otherwise, are vastly more complex than we like to admit. I think everyone needs emotional, spiritual, and intellectual connections with others all throughout our lives, and after many, many years the person we’ve deemed capable of giving that to us isn’t always able to anymore or for a while, or we’re not able to find those connections with them. That’s why people have friendships and familial relationships that are just as significant as the romantic. 

To your point about it not being bad if something good came out of it: Well, it’s still probably bad (assuming you want your marriage to continue). Yes, I imagine that good things WILL come out of a relationship that’s making you feel happy, because good things happen to us when we’re happier. That’s okay. But something really bad came from this too: your disconnection from your family. 

Only you can decide if making amends with these people and joining a fitness program are more significant “goods” than the disconnection from your family is a “bad.” Either way, no, I don’t think you’re a bitch. I just think you’re human. 

Post # 4
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Tbh you just come off as selfish in this post. Not trying to kick you while you’re feeling down, but your husband sounds like a good guy and I think he deserves honesty from his wife. If you can’t give that to him, then I don’t really know what else to tell you.

Post # 5
1360 posts
Bumble bee

OP, you’re not going to get a fair shake here, as you can already see. I would take this down and speak with someone who will actually be open to listening to your feelings and situation. 

Post # 6
2695 posts
Sugar bee

You should leave your husband, he deserves better than this.

Post # 7
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

starzzbeez :  Do you want to repair your marriage? Because I don’t see how that can happen without honesty.

Post # 8
6502 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I don’t think you have to tell your Dh that this happened, but if you want to save your marriage you HAVE to tell him something. Tell him that you were tempted; tell him that you want to reconnect; tell him you need couples counseling, even if he thinks you don’t; tell him you don’t feel like his lover any more. But unless you want your next indiscretion to ruin your relationship (and believe me, once you have a taste of it and you don’t get caught, there WILL be another time), you need to DO something. 

You almost sound like you are congratulating yourself about what you did – that your life improved, that you don’t feel bad, that it was fun. All of those things might be true, but it will eventually ruin your primary relationship if you don’t take action to save it. It is your Dh you need to reconnect with, somehow. You now realize that you need more than what you were getting, so you need to make an attempt to get it from the person you’re married to. If you don’t, then you are willfully looking to end your marriage.

Post # 9
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

starzzbeez :  

Bee, your *relationship* has the flavor of something akin to a developing addiction.

The way you canonize your husband makes me suspect you may have feelings with which you are not entirely in touch.  I don’t doubt that he is an exceptionally good man and wonderful father.  But, you elevate him to near sainthood. 

Yet, your sexual acting out was a pretty damn hostile.

You were also willing to take enormous risks for what was, in essence, make believe.

I’m wondering about these huge shifts in such positive directions occurring so suddenly and all because you were sexting with a stranger.  What kinds of shifts?

It will be interesting and telling to see if these amazing shifts hold up over time.

I am never inclined to suggest cavalierly devastating innocent parties.  There is rarely anything to be gained by impulsively pulling the trigger.

IMO, the wiser course would be to get yourself into therapy, STAT. Work with your therapist toward figuring out the best way forward in your marriage.  If you decide to confess, a series of therapy sessions with your husband may be the best way to do that.

I have real concerns that you’re going to need another hit of this artificial thrill and do this shit again.

Either way this plays out, family therapy for all of you is probably in order.

Post # 10
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

When I first read your post I had to read it again. I thought I was reading a page out of a book. You had me actually feeling a little sorry for you. And I couldn’t wrap my head around why. I guess it’s the way you ingrossed me in your words and your passion about how you felt for this man and then how you lost him. Then I snapped out of it and relized this is real life your life. And how you had an emotional affair on your husband who you adore and does so much for you and your wonderful kids. He doesn’t deserve this, any of this. You cheated on him. You took the trust away from your marriage. The one thing that alot of couples hold on to and destroyed it because you have lost a romantic connection with the man you are suppose to love. You went on-line and had an affair with a married man. A man who has a wife and kids of his own. You both have destroyed two families, spouses and your children (because they will feel the impact of this). And yet you still yearn for this man. You wonder what he is doing, knowing that it is wrong. Knowing that your husband is problary in the next room. You should feel sad for your husband because I do. He deserves much better. You are not different than a man doing this to a women so you are not getting the sympathy card from me. Cheating is cheating wheather it’s from a man or a women. Wheather is tell us a beautiful story on how it happen or just blurt it out. Wheather it’s physical or emotional. You are a cheater!!! And this is coming from someone who has been cheated on. So I know how your husband feels. This will not be your last time. Once a cheater always a cheater. Remember that saying? It’s not only used for a man!!!!

Post # 11
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

I think you are a class A bitch because you like every other cheater is a liar, and not only did you lie to yourself but when your husband asked you why you were distracted, the lie rolled right off your tongue. You dont feel a smidgen of guilt, means you have no empathy and if you have no empathy you will likely do it again because you cant see the hurt it would cause. 

Thats a character flaw. You need counseling. Your hubby has done nothing wrong other than give you the best life he can give you, and you threw it in his face to make yourself feel better about yourself.

Post # 12
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

[Moderated for multiple TOS violations]

Post # 14
3426 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You need to be honest with your husband that you are having serious concerns about the health and longevity of your marriage. You said that you doubt he’ll consider counseling unless something is seriously wrong. Unfortunately for him, things are extremely wrong, and he doesn’t even have a clue about the extent of it! 

Your marriage is on the fast track to divorce, and you have two options:

1. You can prioritize your relationship with the father of your children and fight for it.

2. You can continue to let your marriage fall into an untimely death while you sit around doing nothing (or worse, actively destroy it through an emotional affair).

If you choose to save your marriage, the first step is to let your partner know how significantly concerned you are about your relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean confessing about your affair. The affair isn’t even the main problem – that was just a symptom of the actual issue, which is that you have fallen out of love and feel a disconnect. So tell your husband, insist on counseling, and begin taking active steps toward a more healthy relationship. Go on dates. Surprise him with dinners. Find a babysitter and take a weekend trip, just the two of you. Talk to each other about your days. Be intentional in the way you speak to him. 

All relationships go through ups and downs. Cheating and hiding your feelings from your husband is no way to handle a “down”.

Post # 15
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

DeniseSecunda :  actually, it was called for specifically by the OP.  “Someone tell me what I already know, that I’m a class A bitch.”  And frankly I don’t particularly care if what I said offends.  If this woman came on this site confessing her infidelity AND her remorse and guilt and willingness to own the damage she has done to her family and another, I might have been more gentle.  But that is not the case.  Her only regret seems to be that it ended when it did.

I repeat, I have no respect or regard for cheaters.  None.

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