- 5 months ago
I am going anonymous for this one bees, and in a minute you’ll know why. This is more of a confession and a closure.
I am 40, married 14 years, and I’m just coming out of an online sexting connection with a married man. It went on for two months, and just two weeks ago, he, not I, decided to gracefully ghost me.
If he had not, I’d most likely be chatting smut with him via email and text instead of writing to all of you here. To make thiings infinitely worse, my husband is a decent, kind and attentive man who I’ve lost a romantic connection with just because we may be stuck in a rut, and for no other worthwhile reason like abuse, neglect or anything close to it. This weekend, as usual, he made lunch for us (thats he and I and our two children) lunch, because he loves to do that and he’s a great cook. He also made me a cup of coffee that we shared. He will sometimes cook extra on weekends so that I could use the leftovers during the week and I dont have to cook as much. He has given me two beautiful children, a lovely home to live in, insists on hiring a cleaner thrice weekly so I dont have to, has bought the better gadgets and bigger car for me and not himself. Materalistic things dont mean anything but these actions just show he’s always put me and our kids before himself. He’s a tall attractive man and still looks yummy in his office or casual clothes.
I am a Stay-At-Home Mom who works part time but dont make that much, we are dependent on his finances and thats what we agreed on so that I could be the one looking after our children. I’ve done that to the best of my ability and with our children thriving in school and growing up to be wonderful people that I love to be with, I think I can feel safe to say I’ve achieved everything that I gave up my own career for, willingly (it doesnt pay much in the parts I live in, even with full time crazy hours) and its a competitive industry in which you have to give up your life essentially to get ahead, its not the life for me.
While all this is going on, I wish I could tell you that I feel a smidgen of regret for what I’ve done, but I dont. despicable me indeed.
At first, I felt shock to have connected so powerfully and unexpectedly with a random stranger on a public forum. I was not expecting or looking to cheat, I never have looked at another man in real life, or tried to even look for a romantic connection in any way, shape or form. I visit this site I go to frequently and this guy just popped up in my chat. We instantly hit it off, and I got scared and left the chat. He did not pursue me. Until, two days later, I started a new chat with him, and it was exactly as I imagined it would be. I have my profile picture up and he’s sent me his via email. It all sounds so sordid and dirty written here but it was a heady experience that we both thorougly enjoyed, getting to know each other. It was a sexual and emotional connection on both sides.
For whatever reason, its petered out and I’m not particularly surprised although I’d be perfectly happy for it to have continued as I felt like we were just getting to know each other better. But its over now, and its for the better. He has a wife and son, and during this whole time, I never really though much about them. He was with them physically, not me, so in a sense, it didnt feel like I was doing anything terrible. He has admitted to having fantasised about me. He is British, I am not. FWIW, he could have catfished me but he didnt exaclty make himself out to be available so I’m guessing he is who he said he is.
Intially he wanted me to send him my pictures, and then nudes. I refused. He let it go and never pressurised for it, and said he’d be ok as long as we could just talk. He has sent his own pictures and one shot of him naked, waist down. I’m a bit mortified to think I’m married and now I’ve seen another man’s private parts. But it all seemed so normal and natural between us that it never felt wrong or weird. It felt like we were dating, like we were both single. For a while, I completely dropped the ball at home and didnt really connect with my family, I’m thinking it was the same for him. And guess what no one at home really noticed I had checked out. My husband asked me once why I seemed so distracted, I told him something, and he took it at face value and moved on.
The oddest part is how this online stranger has had a positive impact on my life. He really has. I think he came in for a reaon and a purpose. Can this infidelity which had no physical contact be bad if its had a good impact in one’s lfe? I was pretty negative and depressed with things when he came along, and when we connected I felt better about everything. He was funny, patient and always polite. He made me laugh a lot. I made some key changes to my life and in two short months, I’ve already noticed some huge shifts that was not there before I met him. I’ve lost tons of weight from the stress of what I was doing but then I went on and joined a fitness program. I also got out of a rut and changed some other things around career-wise. I had some unresolved issues with a cousin and a colleague, and after knowing this guy, I felt so chilled out, like a switch for being calm and positive had been turned on, that I actully turned those things around and forged ahead with better relationships.
I am not trying to justify anything. I know we need couples’ counselling, which my husband will 1. never agree to unless there is a major reason 2. Who is going to TELL him that major reason? not me. I also found cheating threads on this site and I know if the OP is the one that cheated will get ripped apart like a carcass on a savannah. I await this with equal measure of dread and relief. Someone tell me what I aready know, that I’m a class A bitch. I feel numb. I wish I could hear from that guy again, then again I hope not. Whats wrong with me. When I read about happy bees in happy marriages I feel sad for my sweet husband. He doesnt deserve this, I dont deserve him. Why dont I feel anything worse than that though?
Please help me. I will turn to therapy…. just for now, I need to hear some honest opinions on whats wrong with me.