Post # 16
Goirishgrl : You said far more than the class A bitch name, first of all, so don’t bother denying that. Secondly, it’s not for you to decide how much remorse she has; stop pretending you have all the information and are capable of making truly educated judgments about any of this. You came at this from a place of wrath, and you’re not being a damn bit of help.
Post # 18
I vote to not tell your husband about the affair. No good will come of it.
If you truly want your marriage to work, talk to your husband about feeling emotionally disconnected and convince him to go to therapy. Then, put the work in. And no more affairs
If you don’t want your marriage to work, then tell him you’re unhappy and you want to separate.
Cheating is a symptom of an unhappy relationship, not the cause of it. And sometimes we don’t realize we’re unhappy until the cheating has already started.
Post # 19
I vote don’t tell the details – but explain that you were tempted/enamoured/had a crush/fantasized. Because that;s what you were in, Bee. An infatuation fantasy.
And while the rush of limerance and a crush is like a high, it comes with the same lows and low times.
I agree this is a symptom that something is missing from your life or marriage to give you the same “high”. Confession will only hurt him. Figure yourself out – figure out what is missing from your life, get past what you did on your own – find the ability to love yourself and your husband again.
Post # 19
All you’re going to get here is a bunch of crap from people who are using you to feel better about themselves. Nothing like kicking someone when they’re down to put a superior little spring in your step. It’s pathetic, because you know that the finger pointers have skeletons in their closets aplenty.
The first thing you need to do is shake up your life. Go back to school. Take on a difficult task. Get rid of the boredom in your life that has you looking for excitement in all the wrong places. Do something difficult that will make you proud of yourself. In my case that was to earn some degrees.
Look, It’s no big deal to be desired. It doesn’t make you special. I’ve had men willing to implode their lives and open their wallets for a little time with me. One of them told me that no one would ever know, I said that I would know, and that’s as bad as it gets. If therapy is your thing, get some. But most of all, get busy. Challenge yourself. Make yourself so busy that you dont have time for this shit. Boredom is your enemy.r I could go on but hopefully you get the point. And for the love of god, stop wallowing in your sin and how awful it is. It’s just more self absorption, knock it off. Tell your husband what happened and make a plan to do better.
Post # 20
hmmm….well, I guess I’d want to understand if you are going to be satisfied with this one-off “relationship” of if this will happen again. My husband and i have been in an open relationship for 11 years, married for 7. So we both acknowledge all of the positives that come from that (satisfies our own sexual curiosity/fun of the chase, allows us to see each other through someone else’s eyes, etc). Though these days we haven’t been outside our marriage for well over a year, still, just the fact that the opportunity is there is freeing. We don’t do actual relationships though (not poly). Every couple can make there own rules.
Basically, after some further self reflection about what you want, I would try to open up a conversation about whether it’s possible for you both to do marriage differently. That could mean anything from having more date nights, watching porn together, allowing others to have sexy chats, meeting in person, etc. Also, I recommend the book, Mating in Captivity.
Post # 21
starzzbeez : I think you made a mistake and everyone is capable of making a mistake, even cheating. Yes you’re a bitch for what you did to your husband but you don’t have to cheat to be a bitch to your husband.
I don’t necessarily agree with something bad if something good comes out of it, for me I disagree with the illegal activities and Greenpeace and Extinction Rebellion, despite the good messages they are promoting and the good they hope to achieve. They don’t cancel them out and you piss people off and turn people away from those good things. If your husband knew you’d lost weight and joined a fitness programme as a result of another man, that’s not going to be a good thing for him.
It doesn’t matter why the other stopped but unless he’s getting therapy, he could very easily reinstigate those conversation with you. Based on your post, I think you’re still in the mindset that you were, so you’d very quickly fall back into those habits. Except this time, after a brief stint away from each other, you’re going to be looking for more. Now from your post I’m guessing you live in different countries. Are you in the US and he’s British? Maybe, you can manage to swing a little trip by yourself to England to meet him, tell your husband you’re on a voyage of self discovery or some other bullshit. But come on, what then? Is one visit going to be enough? Given the wording in your post, I don’t think so. So worse case scenario, you keep trying to get further meetings, eating into your savings and it’s only a matter of time before your husband realises why you have an interest in England. There is no future for you both. Even if your marriages end, he has a son in England, do you think he’ll leave him and go live in the US for you. Are you going to leave your kids and go live in England with him? Maybe it seems less risky because of the distance but actually you’re only creating a longing for not having met him. Even if you were both divorced, it’s very unlikely there would be any actual future for you both, so why take the chance when you’re both married.
In a previous thread on here a Bee recommended the forum surviving infidelity. Go check it out. The post are open to read but to register you’ll need to admit you had an emotional affair and be looking to make those changes to not do it again. They don’t accept active cheaters. Read some of the posts by spouses who have been betrayed, that’ll give you a sense of what your husband will go through if he finds out. Read the wayward sides, how they felt during the affair and after the affair. Sadly, you’ll realise you didn’t have anything special with this man and that everyone in that forum will have felt similar things to you. Although if you try to heal yourself through this forum they do advocate telling your husband, just so you’re prepared.
Post # 22
Bees, thank you. You’ve given me so many things to consider.
minnewanka : There is a defnite disconnect but its only a problem for me. He thinks things are perfectly fine as it is. I think we are basically incompatible in how we how married life should be played out. Surprise romantic gestures would be seen as silly and unnecessary. I’ve broached the topic a few times and he sees ‘us’ as a foursome now, not two. He wouldn’t want to leave our kids out of any fun plans that may hurt them. He definitely sees me as their ‘mum’ mostlly and only as his wife when we have sex. He puts them before me and thinks I should do the same.
He wouldnt think of counselling as an option at all, just wouldnt consider it. If I had to get him there, I’d have to tell him how bad its gotten with the lines I’ve crossed, he would be devastated and would want to end the marriage. I dont feel like I have room to negotiate. Its a catch-22 situation. Even admitting to feeling unsatisfied and unsure about us as a couple would make him think its a character flaw on my side and not necessarily as anything lacking in our marriage per se. (maybe he’s right).
sassy411 : Yes, there is hostility, and I didnt even think about it until you pointed it out. The shift is in how I’m dealing with a few issues I’ve had at work and in personal relationships. I cant explain how knowing this guy has changed me into someone else, but it has. I’m not the person I was before I met him. I dont know if it will last, but I hope so. I think being distracted with him gave me a break from other unresolved areas of my life and gave me fresh perspective on how to deal with it. He allowed me to ‘step away’ for a bit.
As for this other guy, yes I do miss the high of talking to him because we had a huge connection, but equally I’m quite relieved its faded out. I think is a bit unfair to assume I am going to get on this merry-go-round several times with more men. One guy in 14 years is not a pattern. The fidelity of 14 years would be the pattern. The reason I dont feel regret is probably because we have never met or had physical contact and so it feels like less of a huge blow than the actual act of sex. I do feel bad for his wife, he’s a great guy and she deserves all of him.
DeniseSecunda : thank you Bee. I know I dont deserve your support but I’m so glad I have it.
sunburn : wise words that I need to put into action, except I cant tell him. I just cant do this Bee.
Also whoever suggested an open marriage, its not going to happen but thank you for writing to me.
Post # 23
loz24 : As a matter of fact, I am headed to the UK soon. With my husband and kids. We are not British but husband has family there. This was planned along the same time as I started to know him, but its wasnt planned with him in mind. He knows about this and we have made no plans to meet.
Post # 24
This is a major crack in your marriage, and if you don’t feel that you have equal enough footing to get him to at least consider therapy, that’s plenty of reason. Honestly, the best thing I think you could do in this situation is to go to individual therapy, get your own life and interests outside the realm of romance and children, and then once you’re very obviously flourishing because of it, try to convince him to go to couples therapy. If you can show him that going in without what he would consider a “major issue” can be beneficial, he might reconsider.
Alternatively you can tell him you’re not happy in your marriage and you’re afraid it’s going to destroy the marriage and make you resent him and see how he responds. It really seems like you may have stepped outside your marriage due to a need for some semblance of agency that you’re not getting. Him being so in charge is damaging you emotionally.
I’m not excusing what you did, but infidelity is a symptom, not a cause.
Post # 26
Bee, an emotional affair can do as much, if not more damage as a physical one.
Post # 28
starzzbeez : I’ve broached the topic a few times and he sees ‘us’ as a foursome now, not two. He wouldn’t want to leave our kids out of any fun plans that may hurt them. He definitely sees me as their ‘mum’ mostlly and only as his wife when we have sex.
jeebus with your update, I understand why you acted out/strayed. I don’t understand why you chose to stray though instead of pursuing counseling or simply ending your marriage. In marriage, being with that person is a constant choice you have to make – to love them and be with them. It sounds like neither of you are making that choice, since you found someone else to talk to, and he has lost sight of the marriage in favor of parenthood.
That being said, you also seem completely obtuse about the situation and closed off to anything anyone is advising. The cheating is only a symptom of the deeper problem. The deeper problem being you (both) are not prioritizing your marriage. The only way you fix this is through counseling. And if that’s not going to happen, then I agree with PP that your marriage is on the fast track for divorce. You will not ever feel any better and you will continue to seek your validation elsewhere. Stop being a coward and push your husband into couples therapy.
Post # 29
I think 🤔 what you do next depends on what you want out of life. To be honest you sound unhappy and it’s not your husbands sole job to make you happy. Never give someone that much power that your happiness depends on them. You need to “shake” things up as sunburn said. Do something just for yourself, I recommend traveling alone (I love traveling alone) but if that’s not possible with 2 kids then maybe something smaller, weekend girls trip, book club, gym. Pick up a new hobby. Become happy, that will give you a new perspective if you want this relation with your husband to work. If you decide you want it to work and you still want your husband then have a serious conversation about which part of the relationship you want to spruce up. Arrange a date with just him. We have this couple friend and every year on their anniversary they take a trip somewhere beautiful without kids to re-engage with each other. I don’t know if there is an absolute need to tell him about the emotional affair. I’m sure we all go through many emotional affairs in our lifetime times when we are connected more to others then our partners. Just try to put it behind you.
Post # 30
I cant believe Im hearing “Cheating is a symptom of a deeper problem.” Like that somehow excuses the fact that she carried on an emotional affair with someone.
Isnt that just a built in excuse? Does it matter why she did it? If this was a man on here saying he was bored in his life because his wife was focused on raising her family, he was provided a comfortable lifestyle and was carrying on an emotional affair with an internet stranger, would we be so quick to give him the “cheating is a symptom of a deeper problem” token response?
No, we would eviserate him because as an adult he knows better. He took vows to love and honor his spouse, but because its a woman, a lot of people are making excuses for her behavior. “Oh well its just a sign of a deeper problem.”
It doesnt matter if its a sign of a deeper problem. Would that token excuse work for you if your partner walked in the front door and told you, “Hey honey, I had an emotional affair because its a symptom of a deeper problem in our marriage.” Do you see how ridiculous it sounds? Im sure you would be all understanding, and forgiving since he recognized his bad behavior.
Except in this case she doesnt even recognize her bad behavior because OP freely admits that if he hadnt cut it off, it would be continuing. She changed her life around for him, not her husband. She started working out, resolving issues because of some stranger on the internet, WHO WAS ALSO MARRIED AND HAD KIDS.
OP you might not be in the clear yet. The reason your internet stranger might have ended it is because he got caught. What if his wife knows and finds you or your husband and send him the evidence of your cheating? What will you do then.