Despicable Me

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

princessanon0125 :  THANK YOU holy I can’t believe the responses I’ve been reading. I’m absolutely shocked. It makes me feel like everyone who responded with that line has cheated in the past and that was how they justified it to themselves. Cheating is almost always a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship, yes there are some people who are just straight up cheaters for no other reason, but most of the time it’s a symptom of a problem. BUT just because there’s a problem does not mean the cheating is excusable! If there was a problem you communicate, go to therapy, change your life within your relationship (if you want to stay in it), leave the relationship, find new purpose in your life, TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE maybe?? But it doesn’t excuse cheating! Like wtf am I reading here. If you want to be with someone else then leave your current relationship…”but it’s not always that simple” um yeah it is. Leave. If you don’t want to leave then sort out whatever problems you or the both of you have together WITHOUT CHEATING. I know I’m talking about complex emotions and situations but when it comes right down to it you never HAVE to cheat so there are always other ways to deal with issues.

It’s about choices. She made a very bad choice, an unjustifiable choice, and people are recommending that she just keep it a secret? Wow. It’s cheating. I fully, firmly believe if it was physical, or a man that posted, no one would recommend he keep it a secret from his spouse. Emotional affairs can hurt someone just as much, if not more than physical. And you guys come one here trying to protect her and her relationship from the things she’s done! No consideration for her husband at all. Almost all of you people have shocked and saddened me today and I don’t trust any of you to give good advice in the future anymore. 

Post # 32
Member
712 posts
Busy bee

DeniseSecunda :  I don’t condone cheating and probably wouldn’t tolerate it in my own marriage but I hear you. I feel like it’s so much easier to be judgemental than empathetic. 

Post # 33
Member
712 posts
Busy bee

OP, you made a bad decision, no two ways about that. We all do sometimes. You’re copping to it, so I don’t need to pile on. I think your best bet is to come clean, be really contrite, and leave the ball in your husband’s court. It won’t be easy, and your marriage may not survive it (assuming you even want it to) but it’s the only way you’ll be able to live with yourself. Good luck going forward. 

 

Post # 34
Member
885 posts
Busy bee

starzzbeez :  You sought an emotional affair with someone because this part of your marriage is lacking that connection you had with your husband that made you fall in love with him. Of course personal counseling sessions may benefit you, but ask yourself what’s different about your relationship now, compared to when you met and fell in love with your husband. If the spark is missing, find out where it is. Don’t wait around your husband to sweep you off your feet again—sweep him off of his. You described your husband as a man worthy of any woman’s attention—don’t let him get away, because he will. There’s a reason you were once sexually attracted to him, and fell in love with him. Find that reason, and work on reigniting it. I guarantee he will meet you more than half way. Best of luck to you, and your family. 

And you may not feel guilty now, but if you do manage to fall in love with your husband again, be prepared for a tremendous amount of guilt. 

Post # 35
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

lauraspencer :  This!!! If a man came on here saying this he would be bashed up and down, left and right. Or when a Bee posts her SO has cheated oh man we hear it. You need to leave, once he cheats he will always cheat, there is no excuse for cheating, You need to leave him etc etc. It’s baffling to me and some of the responses.

Post # 36
Member
4199 posts
Honey bee

Cheating *is* a symptom of a deeper problem, but not with the marriage. It is the cheater himself with the problem and it goes further than infidelity. The cheater is looking to fill a void within himself, which is why I recommend activities that enrich the life of the cheater and raise self-esteem. I firmly believe that focusing only on the marriage as a source of the problem is a mistake.

And speaking of mistakes, infidelity is not a mistake. A mistake is putting salt instead of sugar in the cupcakes. Infidelity is a choice made because the cheater is looking for a way to feel better about herself.

princessanon0125 :  

Post # 38
Member
12214 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Since OP seems to have no remorse or regrets, I’ll put it in more practical terms. 

Cheating can be a result of problems in the marriage, but as others say, it is absolutely no excuse or justification. The cheater loses any standing, all moral high ground, and puts the entire marriage at risk. If, however, the relationship is to survive, it’s fair to say the underlying issues must eventually be addressed. 

OP also says she is not going to tell her husband. It’s a calculated risk based on her assumption that her husband will never find out. This assumes the affair partner, his wife, or anyone those people tell will never inform her husband. She’s betting that wives never check the computer history, text or phone records, and that the affair partner himself does not have a crisis of conscience and tell his wife or someone else. She’s betting he is emotionally stable, which is a big bet, too. 

Unfortunately, those kind of bets don’t always work out.

Post # 39
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

I don’t condemn you for what you did, but I do think you need to fight for your marriage. Your update makes it sound like your husband is dictating the terms of your relationship. You need to make it clear to him that it doesn’t matter whether he thinks you *should* do things as a couple and nurture your bond as a husband and wife – the fact is that’s something you NEED in order to be able to stay in this marriage. He can insist up and down that’s not necessary, but does he want to be right or does he want to stay married? You can make clear to him without disclosing the emotional affair that if your marriage continues on the trajectory that it has been, you’re both headed for divorce. 

Post # 40
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think it comes down very simply to whether you want to re-invest in your marriage or not. If you want to rediscover emotional/sexual connection with your husband who sounds wonderful, I think you can and will. Even if you decided not to tell him (which I think you should). If in your heart of hearts you just aren’t interested in working to rekindle things, you will likely find yourself in this boat again. If you just don’t think that interest is there, I would set him free.  

Post # 42
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee

starzzbeez :  despicable indeed. Spare the sob stories please. There is no justifying cheating.

Im not sure exactly how you have been helped by posting on this site? You won’t do marriage counseling because he won’t go if you don’t tell him, as he would rightfully end the marriage with you. 

You refuse to tell him what you did so you are choosing to lie to him every day because you are selfish.

You are a liar.

And I don’t buy it that you’re eventually going to respond and tell the side dude that you don’t want to talk anymore. You are a self- admitted liar and a cheater with no remorse and zero self-control.

And therapy won’t teach you how to have compassion and/or give a shit about how you treat others. You either have it or you don’t. And clearly you don’t.

Good luck?

Post # 43
Member
12214 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I knew you’d hear from him again. It’s been two weeks. Maybe he was on a family vacation. Maybe he had pangs of guilt and got over them. Who knows and who cares? Disable your email accounts and be done. Then get yourself into therapy and insist on marriage counseling. Either you are in this marriage or you aren’t. 

Post # 44
Member
4199 posts
Honey bee

You need to realize that you are addicted. Addiction is not just for substances IMO. In your case you are addicted to this man and the attention you receive from him. Do the right thing. Block his number and delete that message. If you do not do this you are still actively carrying on the affair. 

Post # 45
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

starzzbeez :  your response to Bees telling you to get counseling is telling them that won’t happen because your husband won’t unless he thinks there is a reason is obtuse. It’s not only obtuse, it’s selfish because you don’t want to tell him the truth and have a cushy marriage end, even though you clearly aren’t in love with him. 

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