- 2 years ago
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
You need to come clean with your husband. Why? Because the cheater doesn’t get to decide if the relationship they destroyed is worth saving, the person who was cheated on gets to decide that. And because healthy relationships are built on trust and respect and cheating is destroying both of those things. And lying/concealing the cheating is continuing the lack of trust and respect. IMO that is even worse.
And I agree with pp’s. If this was a guy he would have been torn to shreds in the comments.
Please stop telling your clients, who are reeling from the devastation of an affair, that they have ANY responsibility whatsoever for their spouses whoring around on them. As someone whose first husband cheated and as someone who is now married to a man whose wife had numerous affairs, I can tell you that our exes cheated because they’re despicable people. The only “underlying problem” was that these asshats need a character transplant. My first husband didn’t go sticking his dick in anything that moved because my meatloaf was sub-par or I couldn’t get my 5k time under 25 min. Some people are just garbage humans who are perfectly willing to fuck around for entertainment while they reap the benefits of the marriage they’re in and steal years of someone’s life running their con game and endangering their spouse’s health. No excuses.
If there are problems in a relationship so severe that you feel the need to rut around with some stranger from the internet, then just leave the marriage. Jesus.
I’m with goirishgirl on this one. To hell with cheaters.
My reaction to you is based on my Christian faith. When confronted by a mob that wanted to stone a woman caught in adultery, Jesus basically told them to go ahead, but let the person who was without sin cast the first stone. As the woman walked away, Jesus told her “and sin no more.”
So I do not condone what you did, but neither do I condemn you as “despicable”. I have not cheated on my husband, but I have made serious mistakes in other areas of life.
(In no way am I suggesting other bees should share my views, as obviously not everyone follows the same, or any, religious faith).
The main focus for you is what will you do from now on. The stakes are really high for you and your family, and as others have pointed, the people being cheated on often sense it and have ways of finding out.
What is happening to you is very COMMON for people in midlife. You’ve been married to 14 years to basically a good man but you are BORED. You also longing for couple time not just family time. You are lookig for excitement and want to be desired. All new relationships promise excitement and desire but then what? There is always a next step. Nothing stays new forever. Can you bring some desire and craziness into your marrriage now? Find a way. I wouldnt tell your husband about this but I would stop being involved with these things now today. Get off your computer. You have a basically solid marriage. Do you want your chidren scarred by divorce or to see you their mother in a different and negative light. Right now you are not really grateful for what you already have. If you lose it all, you will soon realize what a fool you are.
The thought of my SO receiving advice to hide his emotional infidelity from me, however minor, makes me sick to my stomach and thankful for the power of intuition and observation. The thought of uninformed consent in my relationship is very offensive to my sense of autonomy. I feel strongly that I have the right to know what kind of person my partner is and to decide if I want to be in a relationship with that person. That said, I do agree with all of the PP suggesting that a man would not get that advice here.
A general note in regards to not disclosing infidelity: you underestimate your partner at your own risk. You may not care about deceiving and disrespecting your partner, but if your reason for not disclosing is to maintain the status quo, then realize that by not disclosing, you are upping the ante and increasing the odds that they will leave you and upend your secure life when they find out.
Once they notice you acting distant, there is a good chance they will not let it go until the truth comes out. Non-disclosure is only a safe bet if your partner in turn doesn’t care enough about you to care that you are acting distant.
I haven’t read all the responses, but I’m wondering if you’re not feeling bad because you haven’t really connected with any fall out or consequences for your actions. If/when they’re brought home to you, you may feel very differently. I’d go to therapy and try to process what happened with someone who will respectfully challenge you. The next step may then become more clear. I would think it would be good to eventually come clean, but only you can make that decision.
You sound like a bored housewife going through a stereotypical midlife crisis or something. As other PPs have said, channel your need to feel alive again into something actually productive, or at the very least something that doesn’t hurt other people. FFS.