(Closed) Destination guest list delimma

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We are doing immediate family only to our DW. No one has given us a problem. Once you fill up immediate family only perhaps you and ur fi can pick a couple friends each to balance it out and fill up to 20.

I have a huge family and FI has a pretty big family too. This worked well for us. We are Doing immediate family and 2 friends – our wedding is much smaller tho (12 total). No one has made a fuss so far. Good luck and congrats on finding ur venue!!!!

Post # 4
Member
8120 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So basically you gave these people a verbal save the date right? Well etiquette wise an std is like an invite so you really should extend an invite to them.

I am a little confused? Just so I am clear- You complained that guests needed to find their own travel details out but you hadn’t picked a venue? Then you go on some site tours and pick a venue but it doesn’t fit your guestlist?

Honestly you need to book a venue that will fit your guest list because you never know they all might come.

We are going to a DW at the end of this month and my friend told me today that she has had 100% RSVP which she is thrilled about but at my DW we had about 50% of the guest list come (although ours was a much farther distance away). You just can’t tell until you have the RSVP’s back.

Post # 7
Member
8120 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@BeeG35:  well technically you gave them a verbal std. It doesn’t really matter how they responded at first, etiquette wise they should still get an invite. They probably had assumed sticker shock when you first told them the location (because a lot of people often think places are more expensive than they are) and so maybe they have researched it since then and found out that it is actually affordable for them or had preconceived notions about the location and did some research which have alayed their fears and so they are now excited to come.

The thing is from your own words you have been inviting them all and it is a bit rude to take it back now.

Post # 9
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you should have ever been planning your wedding based on what people said in the beginning, things change, people never know if they will be able to attend. The entire process you should have been planning based on your budget and planned guestlist. You don’t plan the guest list and then change it based on people’s reactions,  you plan your guestlist based on who you would like to be there for your special day, and then factor in budget. 

I agree with @j_jaye:  you pretty much gave all these people verbal invites or verbal STDs so now you have to invite them. I’m sure everyone wants to go, but I doubt everyone would be able to afford it or get the time off.

Post # 10
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry, but I think you put yourself in this dilemma.  It was a mistake to start telling everyone about your wedding and letting them know you wanted them there before figuring out how many you could afford to host.  Put yourself in their shoes: say a family member told you about their wedding that’s a year from now in an exotic place, you start saving up some money and checking into prices for flights, then later the couple never sends you an invitation.  You’d feel pretty upset and slighted… it’s almost like uninviting someone, since you already verbally invited them.

Post # 11
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I feel your pain. We planned on a DW site unknown for awhile. When we decided Florida to make it easier on everyone, no one wanted to go..too far away (really?!? We wanted to go overseas!!), too hot, too expensive, we have other things to do with our time off (an aunt and uncle really said that to me..they were going to put a new roof on)..some aunts wanted to come, step family..some didn’t know…I got a lot of “we’ll see”

Then after everything was decided, std’s and invites went out…rsvp’s came in-mostly no’s, except for the people (over half) that didn’t even send them back. We never knew what was going on..people just wouldn’t commit. The day before we left for the DW people were still deciding on going. Finally I was like “WE ARE GOING, WE ARE GETTING MARRIED. WE HAVE DECIDED THIS A YEAR AGO. WE HAVE THIS VENUE, WITH THIS MUCH SPACE, FOR THIS MANY PEOPLE. IF YOU WANT TO GO, GO. IF NOT, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.”.I knew that getting married on the beach wasn’t a big deal if more people came (we were standing for 15 minutes) and the dinner was a huge buffet and open bar so I figured we could wing that..the venue was super easy to work with and would make more if needed, I can’t rave about them enough (shout out-doc ford’s in sanibel island)

After all that, only Dh’s family came anyway. Which they had all rsvp’d YES in the beginning. All that confusion for nothing!!

Just stick to what you want. Those that want to show, will. Whether you like it or not, you have a timeline and you can’t let yourself be bogged down by other’s indecision. It sucks, but it sucks worse when venues and contractors are calling you everyday wanting numbers and you don’t have them.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Sorry, but I think you’re massively out of line here; a few things about your post annoyed me.

First of all, 18 months might seem like a long time to ‘prepare’ people for a DW; in reality, it will still come as a shock, and people will have to plan. Some people, especially those with children, will struggle to save even with 18 months to do it. Add to that the fact you expected people to do their OWN research, and I can see why people might have reacted negatively at first. I really hate it when couples choose a destination wedding that will be costly for guests, then get their noses out of joint because people don’t jump for joy when they hear.

Second, in telling people verbally, you have essentially, IMO, invited them. To now retract that invite after they may have made plans (booked leave from work etc) is incredibly rude.

You went about this all the wrong way. You should have decided on your guest-list, THEN found a venue, and THEN invited people, giving them a clear indication of costs. Had people declined at this point, then you could have looked for a plan B eg a smaller venue.

IMO your only option is to find a larger venue that will accomodate those you have invited. Either that, or send out invites, with the destination and date confirmed, but with the exact venue to be confirmed, and then book the venue once you have received your RSVPs.

Post # 14
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BeeG35:  Much like dress shopping, you don’t go randomly looking at extravagant dresses and fall in love, then figure out a budget and freak out.  You have to figure out what you can afford first.

Now that people have been verbally invited, you’ll need to make changes to accomodate all of the people that want to RSVP yes.  Either make changes to the venue, the food, limit the bar, whatever you have to do.  You can’t uninvite people without causing major problems.

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