(Closed) Destination Wedding and Shower=Rude??? **PIOT**

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it considered rude to have a destination wedding and a bridal shower?
    YES : (33 votes)
    58 %
    NO : (24 votes)
    42 %
  • Post # 16
    9490 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    As long as those invited to the shower are also invited to the wedding, I think it’s fine. They can always decline.

    Post # 17
    7030 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    SkinnyLatte17:  I do think it’s rude, and here’s why:

    • It’s rude to invite anyone to a shower that isn’t invited to the wedding.
    • Guests who are invited and attending your Destination Wedding are already shelling out a lot of money to attend. Showers are a gift giving event, and it’s rude to say “hey I know you’re spending a lot to come to my wedding, but I want you to come to my party and spend even more on a gift for me”.

    Having a shower where no gifts are required is just unrealistic. Any sort of wedding related party (shower, engagment party, gathering BBQ) makes people feel like a gift should be brought regardless of what the invite says. People will feel pressured to bring a gift of some sort.

    Post # 20
    561 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    SkinnyLatte17:  I don’t think it’s rude, unless you’re inviting people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding.

    In terms of wedding etiquette, it is generally considered poor form to invite anyone to a pre-wedding function (bachelor/ette party, shower, engagement party, etc) who is not also invited to the wedding.

    Post # 21
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

    SkinnyLatte17:  I am going to take a different stance on this. I had a cousin who eloped and we gave her showers. I don’t think it is rude in the least to have a destination wedding & invited people not invitied to it to a shower. Frankly, the reason you invite people to your wedding is for gifts, or that is how it is percieved by most anyway. You can say it is to celebrate your day (and the shower can be the celebration of that as well) all you want, but unless you specifically ask guests not to bring gifts, they will (for the most part) feel obligated to do so. Same for inviting people to a graduation.

    Let me ask you this, since I mentioned the graduation, did you (or have you ever been invited to) a graduation party for someone and not the graduation? Or been invited to the graduation but did not attend and still sent a gift? It is the same thing.

    I think people close to you will understand your reasoning for not inviting them to the wedding and if they are offended by not being invitied to it but to a wedding shower, then they can choose not to attend. If you feel you should not have the shower, why not a reception for everyone once you return. Again, unless you specifically ask for no gifts, it is the same thing and will more than likely get them.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  MrsUPS. Reason: ETA: This could be my southern hospitality and being used to it from family and friends as well. But, if it were my first wedding, and we had a DW with just immediate family. Even if I did not have a shower or some sort of party afterwards, I would still get gifts from close family and friends. Once they found out I had been married. It is just what you do. So maybe that is where my different point of view comes from
    Post # 22
    589 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’m having a Destination Wedding in July and I think it is super tacky to have a shower. It would be ok to have an at home reception tho. I don’t plan on doing either but I have gotten asked a bunch of times about the AHR. Maybe you can do that instead?

    I do agree with PPs tho, if you plan on shower it should be people who are also invited to the wedding. 

    Post # 23
    1355 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

    Just curious, what in the world does PIOT mean??

    Post # 24
    145 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    SkinnyLatte17:  just do it. If someone thinks it is rude they don’t have to come. I’m having a Destination Wedding stateside. I’m still having a shower and if someone is invited to the shower they have also been invited to the wedding. If you want one and your family/friends want to throw it then forget about the etiquette rules. 

    Post # 25
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee

    MrsUPS:  “Frankly, the reason you invite people to your wedding is for gifts”<br style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1000000px;” /><br style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1000000px;” />So this is what southern hospitality is? Good to know.  

    To the OP: I think having a shower, as long as those invited are also invited to the wedding, as it’s made extremely clear that no gifts will be taken, I think it’s perfectly ok. It would be nice to spend time with friends and family stateside before the wedding. Oh, instead of gifts, ask everyone to bring recipes or their best advice. 🙂


    Post # 27
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

    Xu:  Did you read the whole post or are you one of those who picks and chooses and makes it suit you?

    Why else do you invite someone to your wedding? Oh to share in your joy, to have a big party, to get drunk and kill brain cells?

    If you expected a gift from someone, and you can’t tell me that there is not someone who you don’t, and they don’t give you one, are you going to be upset and say well “I invited you to my wedding, my showers, etc?” If you don’t you are the best person on the face of the Earth.

    My point about southen hospitality, IF you had bothered to read, was that a gift would be given no matter what I was invited to if the person was that important to me. IF you knew anything about southern hospitality, which you obviously don’t, you would have gotten that when reading the WHOLE post!

    Post # 28
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee

    MrsUPS:  Just because I find you statement questionable doesn’t mean I didn’t read all you wrote.

    Why else do you invite people? To share and have the people most important to you witness one of the important days of your life. I appreciate that you and I differ here.

    There is no one I am inviting to my wedding that I expect a gift from. Full stop. Again, you and I differ here as I understand the whole point for you is to receive gifts. I’m certainly not going to stop you, again, I just find that idea highly questionable.

    As pertaining to the OP, by having a destination wedding, she is asking her guests to spend a lot more money than if she kept it local. Nothing wrong with that. I also believe that since she knows it would be a significant cost of people to attend her wedding, it would be thoughtful to tell shower attendees not to bring gifts. Especially if she expects wedding gifts.  In my opinion it’s asking a lot to attend a Destination Wedding, and give both a shower and wedding gift.


    Post # 29
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

    Xu:  Obviously you didnt get the point, otherwise you would have not asked. But as you said, agree to disagree. Again, I highly doubt that there is not someone in your life that you are not expecting something from. If that is the case, again you are the BEST person on the face of the Earth because we all expect something from someone.

    As far as the OP asking people to come to the shower and this very expensve Destination Wedding. In her original post she NEVER stated she planned on inviting people to both. She did not mention it until asked by other posters if she in fact planned to invite them to both. And then, being given contradictory advice that she should only invite people to a shower if she was asking them to spend so much to come to her Destination Wedding. SO my take on the whole thing was that she was asking if it was okay to invite these people to share her joy, just as you said it should be, without asking them to spend so much by actually attending. So, again, I think it is completely UNRUDE to ask someone to come to a shower and spend $50 on a gift instead of asking them to come to the Destination Wedding wedding and spending thouands, SkinnyLatte17:  

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  MrsUPS. Reason: ETA: Or the big reception that so many couples have once they return from a DW
    Post # 30
    25 posts

    A Bridal Shower is thrown in your honor by a friend.  It should not be thrown by your mother or sister because that is seen as rude (close family asking for gifts on your behalf).  However, if a close friend or even someone from the groom’s side would like to throw a shower in your honor, they can do so (with your ok).  If anyone feels it is rude or does not want to participate, they do not have to.  If you are concerned you will appear greedy, make sure that the invitations sent out on your behalf include something about where you are registered as well as something to the effect of, “your presence is your presents.”

    I am having a destination wedding and my friend is throwing a shower for me.  Some people can not come to the wedding but will enjoy atending the shower.  She is doing a fun theme and lots of cute prizes for guests.  I do not expect to get many gifts or big gifts, I am just looking forward to seeing everyone and having a nice afternoon. 

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