Post # 1
Well my fiance and I got engaged a few months ago, and we are planning to do a destination wedding in 2013. We recently nailed down a location overseas (where most of his family is from and a place that a lot of his family visits during the summers every few years).
Anyway, we decided to tell just our family our wedding date, so that they have over a year and a half to prepare and save up (actually even before this we told his family and his sisters and brothers to sort of test the waters and they all seemed in support of the idea and all sort of let on that they would attend). We have put down the deposit on the location and we were very excited…until this morning.
Basically, his brother and his wife said that they don’t think that they will be coming. While I didn’t want anyone to feel obliged to come because it is a destination wedding and it does cost money…I can’t help but feeling really sad for my fiancé…and sort of upset at the whole situation. This is his brother…how could he not be there on his wedding day?
Right now I feel like we should call everything off and just have a ceremony here….sigh. I don’t know what to do or how to feel…but I could see that my fiancé was really hurt. And since the destination wedding was my idea I feel kind of responsible for all of this. And I can’t lie, I’m kind of pissed that they would say one thing and do another…and hurt my fiancé like this.
Anyway…just needed a place to vent I guess. I knew this was the risk we take planning a wedding overseas…and we did it so we could have a smaller wedding…I just didn’t think our closest family wouldn’t come. And with over a year and a half away I thought we were giving more than enough warning…
Sad start to the day, thats for sure. What do you guys think?
Post # 3
I think you “knew this was the risk we take planning a wedding overseas..”
It’s ok to be disappointed but your wedding is still along ways away. Perhaps things will change for them before 2013. Wait and see what the feedback is from the rest of your family. If too many of the people you want at your wedding won’t be able to attend, you might have to reconsider your plans.
Post # 4
I would be bummed, too, but, like you said, that’s the risk you took. Presumably you’re saving money by having a smaller wedding, so, if you really want them there, maybe you could subsidize some of their trip…? I know if it were me, I would make room in my budget to get the people I wanted to my wedding.
On one hand, I would never miss a close family/friend’s wedding because of money. I would make it happen. On the other hand, it’s not really fair for you to choose a wedding that will be expensive for your guests but then be upset when they can’t afford to come.
Post # 5
@roxieheart: 2013 is still far enough away that things could change. did they say why they couldnt come? is it work realted or something along those lines that could eventually get better with time?
Post # 6
Yeah, it’s just I’ve seen them make trips for other people before but I guess this isn’t a good time.
I really, really hope they make it in the end because I just want my Fiance to have a perfect day.
They haven’t given a reason yet and I don’t really want to push. I just thought it was odd that they would say no so far in advance.
Les105 –> the reason we are having it overseas is to save money. I wish there was room in our budget for them but there really isn’t. Who knows though, things could change. I think it’s a fair suggestion for sure. I hope something does change so that we can help.
Maspa –> We don’t know the reason yet, but like you said things could change. I will keep my fingers crossed.
Thanks for your replies ladies 🙂 I just hate to see my Fiance hurt, and he even though he tried to hide it he really was. I know he wanted him as a groomsman.
Post # 8
Once the tensions have calmed down a bit, maybe your Fiance could talk to his brother alone and see why they don’t think they can make it. Maybe they’re TTC and don’t want to commit to traveling with a little one, maybe financially it’s just not feasible. Before you get really upset by it, see what their reasoning is. And like PPs have said, there’s a lot of time before next summer where they could change their minds!
Post # 9
Yeah, that is a really good suggestion. I don’t believe that they are TTC, but you never know it could definitely be a reason.
I am hoping that they do change their minds. My Fiance is going to talk to him one on one at a later point and we can figure it all out.
At this point I just can’t help feeling really, really guilty because the destination wedding was my idea to try and save money. And I’m not sure why they would have said “yeah, we will definitely try to come” when we tested the water and asked everyones opinions a few weeks ago and now…”probably not” (with no reasoning). I think that I’m most upset that we asked before we booked b/c we wanted everyone important to be able to come…and now we’ve booked…and well…we’re SOL.
Thankfully it is a LONG way away, and a lot can change…and hopefully it does.
This is such a great place to vent btw…
Post # 10
I understand your situation. The only person from my family attending will be one of my sisters and she is coming all the way from Japan (wedding is in Jamaica). The funny part for us is that his family begged us to have it at home because some people would not be able to go. Well, they are all booked. My family is refusing to attend. My brother called me and blatantly said that he was not attending because it was too much money for his family and that he would rather send money. He also said that “THIS IS WHAT I SHOULD EXPECT IF I HAVE A DESTINATION WEDDING.” My mom said the same thing but she is more upset that she won’t be able to show up her friends at a home wedding. I was very upset about it, I cried for a long time. I even told my mother that I would pay her way, just so I could have her at my side on my wedding day. Yet, she still refuses. But it is what is, we will start our life together with or without them.
Post # 11
I think that very often when someone in a family announces they want to have a destination wedding, people will initially be excited about the thought. Once they actually sit down and figure out the logistics and exactly how much it will really be costing them in terms of both time and cash, sometimes they have to back out.
I know when my daughter wanted hers to be in Mexico, everyone was happy for them. Once flights and passports and hotels,etc. started getting figured out, it was a little shocking to know that it would cost some families $5-6,000.+ to attend. They wouldn’t be going there if not for the wedding, and regretfully, said as much and that they just couldn’t swing it. How can you argue with that?
I know how disappointing it can be, so I hope you can let it go and enjoy the people who can be there.
Post # 12
@roxieheart: My family has to fly 3 hours to come see our wedding, and I don’t think my mom is even going. My one sister was unemployed so she really didn’t have the funds. The other sister could go but she cannot get much time off.
So I totally know how it feels to know that your family may not be there. We just don’t live near any family – not even the entire time zone. I’m not going to have a wedding back in my home state where I haven’t lived for 18 years. That would make FI’s side do all the travelling. Asking people to come to us was the only option.
Well along with some other things (my terminally ill father) combined with the financial burden of asking our guests to come to us, we are seriouly considering an elopement just for the ease of everyone. There are so many pros to a private wedding, I cannot think of any for having a wedding event – for my situation.
Post # 13
Totally understand where you are coming from. We have given family and friends over a year and a few family members that we know have the $ for it or can save up if they wanted to aren’t making it. It buggs me b/c we have some friends who are truly struggling and are 100% going to make it b/c they can’t wait to see us get married. Its also sad because You know you would do all you could to make it for them if the tables were turned. Oh well, what can you do?
Post # 14
Thank you so much for your stories and your understanding. It really helps. 🙂
I thought I was going to take a few days to get over it but I’m still really upset about it…logically I know I shouldn’t be but emotionally I’m pissed/dissapointed in them. I actually couldn’t sleep until 4 am last night because I was upset and now I’m questioning the decision entirely…even though I know its what my Fiance and I both want…it’s like…at what cost? 🙁
The thing that upsets me is that we talked to everyone on that side of the family BEFORE we booked to make sure people would be up for it. And they made as if they would be…then when it comes down to it they back out. If they wanted us to do it the year after then they could of at least told us and we would have factored it into our decision.
Like ReyDar64 said….Its sad because you know if the situation was reveresed you wouldn’t even question it, I would move mountains to attend the wedding of a family member…I wouldn’t be saying no a year and a half before hand.
Anyway, I’m obviously not over this yet….I’m keep ruminating over it….why they didn’t tell us before we booked (when we explicitly asked)….how they told us they couldn’t come (over email, ugh)…everything. Blah.
Post # 15
As someone said this is a chance you take when having a Destination Wedding. I know it sucks believe me I do! We paid for our guests to attend our Destination Wedding and even then some did not come because they had other things in their life that were more important to them than a free holiday. Of my 3 BM’s only 1 could make the trip- my sister was due to custody issues and douchey ex-hubby and my good friend was because of an ill mother. I felt upset that they couldn’t be there for the wedding but I totally understood where they were coming from.
My hubby however felt really upset at one of his brothers who said they couldn’t come to the wedding and then just gave a different reason everytime they talked (hubby never asked). Finally my other SIL told me that the brothers Fiance just didn’t want to go the destination which to me is farir enough. In the end hubby was more upset by the excuses and lying than his brother not attending. Funny thing is that Brother-In-Law is having a Destination Wedding this year and we are going even though it is somewhere we have been 6 times before and hubby is still a little bitter about it. But we will still go and have fun!
Post # 16
I went thru the exact same thing. We had a Destination Wedding. All our immediate family and close friends were 100% on board so we booked. Several months later DHs sister announces she cannot come. I know Darling Husband was disappointed, I felt responsible, the whole shebang you are going thru. Even how we found out sucked (thru his parents and not from het directly) The only thing I can tell you is that our wedding was perfect, we were both soooo happy on the day that really nothing could bring us down. And ya it sucked big time his sister wasn’t there, but we accepted it and also decided to do a BBQ at home celebration when when we got back specifically because his sister and her kids (who would have been in the wedding party) couldn’t be there. Initially we were not doing any AHR but due to his sister and two of my childhood friends who also backed out (they also said 100% they were coming before we booked!), we decided a party back home was worth it (we did it very cheaply too).
Also, while I was a bit disappointed that only half the ppl came who initially told me they were coming, I can also tell u that our small intimate wedding seemed to beexactly what it was supposed to be. We had just the right number of ppl