(Closed) Destination Wedding — etiquette question

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@kimberlyr22:  Only people invited to the wedding should be invited to any pre-wedding events (bachelorette, shower, etc).

You could however throw a post wedding “celebration” at home for her. 

Post # 4
40 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know it says only people invite to the wedding get invited to the pre-wedding events, but I am in the same situation and my sister is still planning on a shower with people who are not coming to the wedding.

Most of these people have said they want to come and understand we don’t have the funds or space to invite everyone. At one point my mom referred to this as a community shower. Don’t think they still call them that or even that they still have them, but if she is ok having people there that will not be invited to the wedding and those people in turn are ok with not going to the wedding and they still want to shower your sister, then I say go ahead. If people want to give a gift they will, shower or no shower.

Post # 5
56 posts
Worker bee

@kimberlyr22:  Up to my knoweledge only people invited to the wedding should be invited to any pre celebrations… maybe you could invite them after the wedding for a post celebration seeing that they are going small ?

Post # 6
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I agree with PP, unless she is doing something afterwards with more family invited, I would not have a big shower. While a few people might be ok with it, I think it would rub most people the wrong way.

Post # 7
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I had one person who wasn’t going to the wedding attend my bachelorette party, and she completely understood why and everything was fine and dandy … except she demanded photos after 😛


mine is almost an exception in the matter. better NOT to invite people who aren’t attending unless you know for sure they understand completely why they aren’t invited to the wedding. I had to turn down DH’s aunt and uncle, two family friends etc. It was awful but it had to be done.

Post # 8
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Only those invited to the actual wedding (ceremony and reception) should be invited to the bridal shower.  (That also goes for e-parties and bachelorettes).

Your sister is choosing an intimate wedding, and with that choice comes certain ‘consequences’.  I don’t say this to be negative, that’s just the way things work.  I know you want things to be special for your sister, perhaps you can throw a party in her honor that is not related to the wedding, and not a gift-giving event?  Or just host a spa day for the two of you, plus the other women invited to the wedding.  (Or whatever else you may be able to afford, the spa thing was just the first that came to mind.)

Post # 9
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve said this before, and it comes directly from Peggy Post’s book on “Wedding Etiquette”…

Although it is true that Showers & Stagettes “generally” should only include invitees who are also going to the Wedding, it is not a hard rule, in that there may local / regional customs that preclude this (and CoWorkers – University Friends – even Church Ladies) may wish to organize such an event.

Showers though should be intimate affairs, and should never include say the majority of those invited to the Wedding.

On the otherhand, when a couple is going away for their Wedding from their hometown (for whatever reason) be it a BIG or Small Wedding, an At-Home After-the-Wedding Reception is perfectly acceptable to celebrate (and there are no restrictions on WHO or how many can be invited).  It can be set-up like a Regular Wedding Reception (full meal served), or just be a get-together with Cake & Champagne (or Nibbles & Cocktails)… OR it can be held as an Open House at home (their home, or that of one of the Parents)

Therefore, in the case of your sister, a small shower thrown by a group of CoWorkers, University Chums, or Childhood Friends (or even family members) would be ok.

BUT it might be more appropriate to “skip” the whole shower route, if it looks it is going to be much bigger than numbering 10 or so… in which case, you should just make sure She & Her Hubby have a wonderful Back Home Reception after the Big Day (whoever is organizing that I’m sure would appreciate some help)

Hope this helps,


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