Destination wedding- fiancées family won't be there

posted 3 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 91
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

So – this post kind of turned into a trash fire – but I’m going to throw my opinion in here because I can.

Destination Wedding have a set of foibles that are all their own and I’m certain you feel that the cost is reasonable, for you but you just cannot expect that to work for everyone…if your Fiance isn’t worried about his family being unable to attend neither should you…its also not his family’s place to request you change the venue either…I would settle for having someone record the ceremony if you have’t already made arrangements for a videographer and make due….I’m sure it will be lovely.

Post # 92
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Nona99 :  Thank you for posting and teaching me a new word. Foibles is tomorrow word of the day!

Post # 93
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

We considered a destination wedding but it’s my family who cannot afford it. They are hard working, intelligent etc but if they had to choose between saving for a destination wedding and saving (for example) for car repairs, home repairs or a rainy day fund…well it wouldn’t have been fair of us to ask them to do that. They live on limited budgets and are careful but generous with what they have. I don’t think they would have been able to thoroughly enjoy our Destination Wedding because of the added stress and I could afford to only pay for a few.

Guess what? – it’s not all about you! We have had my challenges with family relationships on both sides and we see this as an opportunity to be the bigger people to maybe even do some healing show some empathy and kindness. And that will add to our joy…you know giving makes you feel good? Maybe try it? 

We are taking the same budget we had for a Destination Wedding and planning a beautiful smallish backyard celebration that everyone in both our families can attend and feel good about. 

You say you want his family there…somehow your actions don’t seem to reflect that. 

Post # 94
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Even though I could afford to go to DWs,  my MO is that I won’t anymore. Just not worth it to me to spend hard earned money and vaca for something I didnt choose. Ive been to Hawaii and Mexico a few times and just dont have that much interest anymore. Luckily I dont have any siblings or children so cant be guilted into one. 😋

So as many people have said if the Fiance family cant afford or simply do not want to spend money on your Destination Wedding than accept that (which is perfectly fine) or make alternative arrangements if it bothers you both

Post # 95
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anthonyswife :  “If they managed it correctly they wouldn’t be poor and they wouldn’t have an income problem.”

Please do say this to the next community worker you meet. We work crazy long hours for a pittance, the base pay here is about $24k but I live in a country with very high cost of living which means that wouldn’t go far, so I can only imagine what it is in the states. 

You are extremely ignorant if you think what you said is the truth.

Post # 96
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

If they want a BBQ, can you do a BBQ for them when you get back? You can recite the vows to them and have pictures, etc. How many in his family? 

I’ve been broke before. Not to the extent if poor but I have been broke. It sucks because you miss all sorts of things like this. And I have been bad at saving but mostly because there’s always something that comes up, car repair, health expense (main one for me) and work clothes wear out. ALL at the worst time. I’m just saying this because, I’ve saved up before only to have it go to my stupid car. Anyhow, I get that it’s a bummer for everyone. But if there isn’t another reason for your irritation, give them the benefit of the doubt. If only to preserve the relationship after the wedding. 

Post # 97
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

j_jaye :  Then you should know that poor people just need to decide to stop being poor! And then they can pay thousands of dollars for a vacation they didn’t choose to prove that they love their kids. It’s sooo simple…

Post # 98
Member
409 posts
Helper bee

alishankay :  Bee, I have to add…don’t make yourself crazy over this. Organizing a wedding is stressful enough, let alone trying to cater to everybody’s wishes and location preferences. Yes, as I said, no one on his side came to our wedding. And we still had an amazing time, our wedding day was wonderful. We had plenty of guests from abroad and I did not cover anybody’s costs. I had warned them that my budget was very small and I’d love to have them but can’t pay for anyone. Still, they came, even though they had only 6 months warning. And those guests were 9 out of 10 POOR (just objective reality). When you truly care, you make it happen. 

Also, last summer I went to my brother’s wedding, which was basically at the other end of the world. I had to borrow more than 2k to do it. A lot of things I disagreed with, location etc., guest list, whatever – but, you know what, I shut my mouth and did my best to help and make it a great experience for them. Because it’s not about me, it’s about THEM. I want them to be happy and have a great time. 

Let alone if this was my son, I’d turn the world around to go to his wedding and make it the best experience for him. 

If you plan carefully and well in advance, Oahu is not that expensive. We even found return tickets for $300 from/to Seattle.

So, please, have the wedding of your dreams and don’t worry so much. Enjoy every minute of it. 

Post # 99
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You are saving money on the wedding by passing the cost on to your guests. You’re having a $36000.00wedding on their tab. (roughly as you have said $10K you/your mom is covering) Everyone has opinions on DWs but that fact doesnt change and its incredibly selfish to be upset that someone decides they dont want to use their vacation time or savings on you. You get 1 day. If his family is as poor as you’re saying, they probably dont have $100 to put to savings each month..they’re likely living paycheque to paycheque.

We also tossed the idea of a Destination Wedding around but knew most of my immediate family wouldnt be able to afford it, so we didnt.

Its great you’re trying to include his family as you believe this to be important to your husband but if he insists he doesnt care then move on.

 

Post # 100
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee

I didn’t get past this:

His family is, well poor or too irresponsible to save up two years in advance for his wedding.

We cannot accommodate a large local wedding and we don’t want to be forced to chose which is why the destination wedding was perfect…

How nice of you to feel you’re entitled to judge people and also think it’s fine to assume others should spend money based on YOUR wants.

Oh, ooopsie…. you can’t accommodate a large local wedding?  Are you POOR or TOO IRRESPONSIBLE to save up enough money?

Just. Wow.

 

Post # 101
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

katebluestone :  nicely said…seems a bit of a double standard going on here and the OP seems to want her cake and to eat it too…. Here’s how I interpret this whole situation,

“I want them all to come but we planned a wedding that required them to save and spend money they don’t have, it’s a character flaw in them that they couldn’t save. Now I feel kinda’ bad (and maybe look bad too – yikes!! I’d better fix that) so rather than own up to at least part of the responsibility I’ll get mad and blame them for putting me in such a tough position” 

At the end of the day as said previously if your Fiance truly doesn’t care then what’s the issue? Move on and have the wedding of “your dreams” without his family present.

Post # 102
Member
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

katebluestone :  I have to agree. Surely, OP, if you just budgeted and lived within your means you wouldn’t have any money problems and would be able to properly host your guests? But, being poor and irresponsible yourself, it looks as though you are marrying into the perfect family.

Post # 103
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My friend recently got married in Hawaii and asked me to be a bridesmaid. (She and her husband live in Australia, but she’s from USA). 

The bride’s sister discovered that with an Alaska Airline’s credit card you can get “free” companion faire (buy one ticket, get one for $121). This is only if you’re approved for enough, but this was a HUGE help! 

I wasn’t a huge fan of opening up a credit card account, but it was only my second one, and in my opinion, worth it. 

Just a tip in case you’re interested!

 

Post # 104
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Also just to add. I’ve finally read throught his whole thing. 

First of all, I’m sorry some people are being so harsh! 🙁

 

My Cousin had a Destination Wedding is the Domincan Republic, which is where his new wife is from and a lot of her family still lives there. 

They legally married at their home about a month before the big wedding in DR. This way, those of us who couldn’t attend the big wedding still got to do a celebration with them, and it was special because we got to see the real legalizing ceremony 🙂

You coud petentially do that? A nice courthouse wedding beforehand… Just another idea!

 

Saving can definitely be hard. When I found out my best friend from childhood was getting married in Hawaii, I started saving. Each paycheck I got I put away $10-$50 depending on what I could afford that week. But I’m better at saving than some family members. My sister, who was also a bridesmaid, tends to have the “it will all work out” attitude. And it did! I don’t know how she paid for it, but she did. It was also 16 hours to get there from Boston. She then stayed for 3 days in Hawaii before doing another 16 hours home. She’s a teacher so she can’t really take vacation days. But it was worth it to be at her best friends wedding…

Post # 105
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

alishankay :  Hello, you said you would be doing a beach BBq when you returned. Have you considered doing a beach wedding and instead of BBQ or a buffet style possibly consider having a different type of meal. Maybe hosting the reception at a local restaurant at the beach. You can still decorate. Have cake cutting etc.  I’m not sure how many guest you would have locally but maybe consider making it intimate with close family and friends. 

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