(Closed) Destination Wedding Guestlist Dilemma

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

People are used to traveling for weddings nowadays, so there’s nothing rude about inviting them. They can choose to attend or not, and if they don’t, maybe you can make plans to meet for dinner after the wedding and share some pictures with them. It doesn’t sound like these guests are terribly close to him anyways.

Post # 3
Member
6532 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You may not be crazy for thinking he is wrong but you are certainly dismissive of his feelings and priorities. His desire to have a local wedding to accomodate certain guests is no less valid than your desire to go to Santorini.  You will need to find some compromise.

Do keep in mind that your friends and family will need to spend an awful lot of money to travel from Santa Barbara to Santorini, and while the bottom line to your father may be cheaper that way, the bottom line to everyone else will be much, much more.   I would be far more worried about guests who felt social pressure/expectations to spend thousands on flights and hotels than those who were unable to make the trip. I don’t think anyone should have to go into debt to attend a wedding, but people do not always feel confident declining.

Post # 5
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I think you both need to decide what the most important aspects of your wedding are: getting married in Greece, having everyone there, cost, etc?  After you prioritize I would work back from there.  For Fiance and I the most important aspect was for me to have my elderly grandparents there and cost. That narrowed it down it a pretty simple plan. Now it’s just a matter of finding the correct venue according to our budget. Figure out your collective priority and go from there! 

Post # 6
Member
4835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
kristin36890:  The key question is – why are these people so important to your FI?  It sounds like he doens’t want ot get married without them there?  If that’s the case, a Destination Wedding may not be the best choice. When you have a Destination Wedding (as I did) you have to make peace that many friends and family won’t be there.

Or maybe he wants to be inclusive but doesn’t want to come off as “expecting” that they’d come all the way to Greece?  My mom had this issue with some of her friends for my Destination Wedding.  She felt in that case it was more appropriate for her to let them know about the wedding verbally with a “we’d love for you to make it but understand it’s a big ask and don’t want you to feel obligated” type of message.  Since they were her friends, I was fine with letting her do whatever she wanted.  She was concerned that it would come off as gift grabby if we sent a formal invite to all of her friends, so we just ended up sending to those that had already said they planned to come.  Seemed to work out fine.

Post # 7
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Greece.  Hands down.  We just did a destination wedding and the people that really wanted to join us, were there.  

Did you ask your Fiance why you’ve never heard of these friends prior to now and why they are important to him?  Do they live in your hometown? If so—why haven’t you met them?  If they are not in/near your hometown…it would suck to move the wedding to your hometown to accommodate these people and they didn’t attend/RSVP’d no.  Then you rearranged your dream….for people that didn’t come anyway. 

Are they family?  Elderly family that cannot travel or something?  

 

You can always do your wedding in Greece and a small hometown reception after you travel back.  Even a backyard BBQ for your friends/family that couldn’t make it.  

Post # 9
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

ok…..well…I still vote Greece.  He can either: 

 

Invite his friends from the past to join you in beautiful Greece (seriously—it’s on my bucket list)…. OR

He can not invite them and say you are doing a small destination “family only” wedding in your native Greece but would love to see them at a post wedding get together.  Hopefully this avoids anyone being offended. 

Do men really get offended over not having to buy and wrap a gravy boat…travel…and get gussied up? 🙂 

Personally – I believe you are not obligated to invite anyone.  Especially people you haven’t seen/spoken to in years.  However…if you do feel obligated to send invites—send away.  However you are not obligated to base your venue chose/location on these people. 

Now–if family (or friends who are basically family) could not afford to go to Greece, or were not healthy enough to travel–that would change my vote.  

Post # 10
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

 

If these are old friends that he doesn’t really keep in contact with anymore…I highly doubt they will travel to Greece for your destination wedding. Why your Fiance doesn’t get that is a bit perplexing…

When you and your Fiance are talking about it, approach the conversation as a team player “yes, we should consider all of OUR guests….” “let’s invite them, if they come, that’s awesome, if they don’t, that’s ok, that’s part of having a destination wedding”.

He does need to realize that a big trade-off for a destination wedding is that some people won’t come (which is true for a local wedding as well).

…are you sure he’s 100% on board with the destination wedding? It sounds like maybe the realities of it all are setting in?

Post # 11
Member
3589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It doesn’t sound like these are ‘must have’ people. When you have a destination wedding it’s a basic expectation that it will be a smaller type of wedding. Sounds like your Fiance has some weird feelings of obligation about these friends – they will be offended if they can’t make it? That’s just silly. It’s not like they’re his parents. A post-wedding dinner with them would be quite adequate and generous. You don’t have to invite everyone who has ever invited you to their weddings, it’s not necessarily tit for tat. Also how on earth is it rude to invite them to Greece? It would be rude to INSIST they attend, obviously. But to get an invite is nice, and it’s up to them whether they are able to come or not. You can’t bend over backwards to accomodate every guest, you just let them decide whether to accept your invite or not.

Maybe you need to discuss expectations on how intimate your wedding is to be. Looks like you’re working on the assumption that family and inner circle friends only will be invited whereas his ‘invite circle’ is much wider. You have already compromised by saying he can invite them, I really don’t think you should have to move the entire wedding for people you have hardly heard of (they can’t be that good of friends!). It was his idea in the first place so it’s not like you are forcing this on him.

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