(Closed) Destination Wedding…My Parents Aren't Going…How Do I Respond?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3227 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

They are who they are. It’s painful to realize no doubt,but they are never going to meet your expectations. Accept the good they offer and try to let go of the rest. No one can change someone else. Simply respond if anyone asks why they’re not attending,  “They can’t make it, we’re going to celebrate when we get home”.  They are trying to arrange a gift shower  for you at your request,  so it’s truthful.

Post # 3
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

hugs girl. I’m really sorry. I think it’s really unfair and insensitive of your dad and stepmom to not even make an effort to be there for you on such an important day. I understand that your step mom doesn’t have any days off work, but first of all, they could have tried to fly in on the day of (if it’s the kind of job that has off on the weekends) and second of all, your dad could have come in without her. This is a big deal, and unfortunately, they are not treating it as such. I feel like they didn’t even consider alternatives or look up flights. It seems like it was written off immediately. I am so very sorry. Sending you all the love. 

on the bright side, you are marrying into a supportive and loving family, and you are marrying the man you love. So at the end of the day, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be great. You deserve to be happy. 

I would absolutely tell them that you are hurt and disappointed that they can’t make the effort to be there for you on your day. I would question why no one ever responded to the information you sent a while ago. I would decline any offer to host a shower after the wedding (ridiculous) and I would decline the second reception as well. How even can they afford to throw you a reception (however small/homemade) and not be able to afford plane tickets? have they looked on spirit airlines? They didn’t try, and they don’t get to act like that’s okay. After that, I would write a letter to them telling them how I feel, both in this moment, and in the larger context of your life with respect to having loving parents. write it all down. get it all out. Then do mail it or dont. Throw it away, delete it, or save it. It doesn’t matter, as long as you put it down. Stop carrying around all that weight and focus on the happy parts of your life. You cannot control what other people do. You will never understand how some people think, and trying will just drive you crazy and drag you down. Chin up, girl. 

Post # 4
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m sorry *hugs*. I’m in the same boat with my family. My dad, who passed away, would’ve been @ my destination wedding (St. Lucia) in a heartbeat. But my Mother will not be attending. His parents offered to pay for our wedding & are wonderful. My Mom offered to put $500 toward my dress (although I didn’t ask her for anything) but I doubt I’ll ever see that $$. Luckily, once we’re older, we get to choose our family & realize that blood relation does not always equal “family”. Your wedding will be beautiful & filled with ppl who love you. 

Post # 5
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
bamabelle2017 :  It’s fine to tell them how disappointed you are. It must be very hurtful to be on the receiving end of their indifference.You can give all you like to your family and they will never return it in kind, so let that go.

I suggest you work on reconciling your wishful thinking with your reality. You do not have warm and fuzzy parents. You will never have warm and fuzzy parents.

Instead of focusing on the fact that they are being true to form, be glad that your FI’s family is embracing you into their family and get your warm and fuzzies there.

If anyone asks just say that your parents are unable to travel.

Post # 6
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

Just remember it could always be worse. My mother’s mom gave her up for adoption to her uncle (who hated her) in a different country but kept her sister. Her father left my grandmother, married someone else, had 5 kids, and then cheated on and left his wife several days before he died. She never really got a chance to know him. But even though my mom had such a horrible childhood and family growing up, she has exactly what she’s always wanted now.  So yea your situtaiton sucks, but it could be worse. We can’t choose the family that we are born into but we can choose the family we make. Your Fiance and in-laws sound great. Get close to his family, have children, and make the family you deserve. Then take joy from giving your children everything you couldn’t have. 

Post # 7
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry Bee. I can tell you are very down. I’m so glad you are marrying in to a loving family. Are you very set on the date you have chosen? If you postpone your date it will give your family time to save up time off and money. We are having a destination wedding, but we called the most important people to make sure they could make it before finalizing any plans. You definitely deserve to have your wedding your way, but is Las Vegas more important to you than your dad being there? You can’t change their (crappy) behavior, but you can decide how to move forward. 

Post # 8
Member
7189 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It really sucks when your parents do a crappy job of parenting. I’ve experienced and witnessed some of what you’re talking about and I’m going to tell you now- you will save yourself a whole world of hurt if you can learn to accept them for who they are. Therapy helps with this, immensely. My father gave me no money for college. I worked multiple jobs on top of a scholarship to get through. He never came to visit me. He rarely calls me if I don’t call him first but I am absolutely certain that he loves me and when I got to the point that I could accept his love as it was, I was relieved of a lot of hurt and resentment. He is who he is and I could spend my life wishing he were different or I could surround myself with people who love me so I’m not starving for a different relationship with my father than we have. I chose to do the latter and I and our relationship are both the better for it.

Stop expecting anything from your parents if it requires any effort from them.  Accept what they can give and build a life that makes you happy with your partner. Your folks seem to have done what they could with what they had, they are just shitty parents. That is about them. Not about you. Fortunately your future in laws sound loving and generous. Appreciate them for that but don’t torture yourself over who your parents are.

Post # 9
Member
3233 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I just want to tell you I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

Post # 10
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Hugs! 

I also have an N mom who I went NC with and an enabling mentally ill father so I can understand that wish for them to stop sucking for just one damn day. 

“It’s my high school/college graduation…”

“It’s my wedding…”

“It’s my baby and your grandchild…”

“…so can you please stop making this about you and trying to ruin it with your attention-seeking crazy?”

The answer is no. No, horrible people just can’t help being horrible.

I suggest trying to view their lack of attendance as a blessing in disguise because I’m sure they would let you down and criticize you on your wedding day. You can instead spend $$ a head entertaining two other guests who love you and wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world. I know it’s hard, but nurturing my good relationships and distancing myself from toxic ones is what has gotten me through life.

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