Destination Wedding/Mother in Law

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
2743 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would say you need to consider the fall out of what might happen if you carry on with the destination wedding and your MIL doesn’t come. If you’re ok with the fall out, because there will almost certainly be one, and your husband is ok with it, then carry on. If it’s important to your husband to have his family there then I would start looking at other options. Just because destination weddings are convenient for you doesn’t make them convenient for your guests. If a destination wedding is your absolute dream then I would elope and not invite anyone. Once you get back you can host a reception for family to celebrate. 

Post # 3
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Well if she has already told you she is afraid of flying you need to accept that if you plan a DW she might not come. 

You have to work out what your priorities are. 

Post # 4
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’d think about what’s important to you guys – having your MIL there and family, and important guests who will be able to fly there. We are having a destination wedding also, but all the people we care about can come, are able to come, and excited to come. The cost for us is pretty much the same if we did it in the States (we’re not doing a resort or anything like that), but I think you guys need to think about what’s more important – having your family there or not.

You can always have a smaller/cheaper wedding locally or do it somewhere that your MIL can drive/take a train to. If you make it somewhat “destination” within a driving/train radius, then you can make it the best of both worlds.

Post # 6
9663 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

To be clear, destination weddings are cheaper for the couple, but typically more expensive for everyone else. 

His mom won’t be the only person who balks, it’s about what is important to the two of you: Some people get married at a courthouse, some elope, some have huge event in hometown. 

Post # 7
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It’s cheaper for you, but very very expensive for all your guests. If you’re having a destination wedding or even a domestic destination (more than half from out of town) you need to start to accept now that people might just not come. This situation is why destination weddings often fall apart in the early planning stages. It’s too expensive or otherwise impossible for the people who matter most to the couple so it doesn’t work out. Unfortunately for your plans, and probably what you don’t want to hear, but they get to make that choice and you don’t get to be upset about it. 

Post # 8
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

afraser0911 :  What is the reason for a venue 3-4 hours away?  Is there any significance?  

If you’re planning to invite people to your wedding I think it’s reasonable to consider the guests, 3-4 hours ‘just because’ is asking a lot. 

Post # 9
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your destination wedding idea may be cheaper and easier FOR YOU, but not for your family and friends.  I would do whatever I had to to make sure his mother is there for him.  

Post # 10
753 posts
Busy bee

One you start inviting people, the wedding ceases to become all about you.  You have to decide your priorities.  It sounds like you want a DW just because it will be cheaper for you and your FI, but what if no one comes? (or not as many people come as you’d like?)  You have to decide if that’s worth it.

Don’t compare yourself to what your FI’s sister did.  Maybe your FMIL got a lot of negative feedback from guests on that wedding about the drive/location.  It’s also different to fly from somewhere else and have the wedding right there.  It’s apples to oranges.  Expecting a 3-4 hour drive is not convenient at all.

Post # 11
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Unless you think that there is a way to compromise with your mother-in-law, you might have to accept that she won’t be there and the potential problems that will cause or change your plans. Is it fair that she was willing to travel more for one person/expect others to do so, but won’t do that for you guys? No, it isn’t, but that point is just something that will frustrate you more to fixate on because at the end of the day, if she won’t travel, she won’t.

Weddings are hard because it should be a day about you and your partner. I struggle with this with my wedding because I feel like it’s not exactly what I wanted it, but it is exactly what it needs to be in order for it to be mostly what I’d like with a huge side of compromise to keep everyone happy. I’ve been learning that it’s about everyone, and I know that I am at a point where I am not fighting every battle anymore. My future fil made a good point when he said,”The frustrating thing about weddings it that 50% of the people will be mad at you before the wedding for seemingly no reason, but they will be fine once it happens. Then, the other 50% will be mad later.”

It’s interesting to me that most of the comments are focused on destination weddings being a bad because they are an inconvience to guests rather than focusing on the issue with your mil. I am currently planning one (because my fi grew up in a different country and his elderly family cannot travel), and I’ve found ways to make it cheap for us and for our guests. Having a destination wedding was also something that I used to limit the amount of people that would come, but still want an invite. As far as I can tell, the general opinion of destination weddings on this site is pretty negative, sometimes for reasonable things (like I do think that it isn’t reasonable to expect a huge turn out if the distance is huge) , but I think that there are plenty of circumstances where a destination wedding is ideal and not just an inconvience. 

Post # 12
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

In my book a 4 hour drive is still kind of destinationish in that for most people that would include a hotel stay. What is your FI thoughts since it’s his mother and also his wedding too?

Post # 13
8638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

afraser0911 :  You may be missing your MIL’s point. People are much more receptive to flying or driving  a distance if the wedding is local to the couple or the hosts than if you pick a random, inconvenient  and usually expensive domestic or international destination. 

The message it sends is that your exotic location is more important than the people and that you are imposing your idea of their vacation.

“My problem is my mother in law. She doesn’t like to fly and she point blank told her son (my boyfriend) that “If you have a destination wedding, I will not be there”. 

I think you have your answer. Or should have. 

Post # 14
1095 posts
Bumble bee

 Destination weddings are always more expensive for the guests- and not everyone that is important to you will be able/ willing to attend the wedding if it’s a destination one. Similarly, attending a destination wedding is planning someone else’s vacation. Not everyone may want to vacation in the way that you think would be awesome/fun/exciting/ worth it. Your FMIL already told you that she wouldn’t be attending. So….. are you prepared to deal with the fall out? If so, then fine, book it and do what you and your FI like. Prefer to keep the peace and have her there and make it easier for other guests to attend? Then forget about a destination wedding.

In terms of a wedding venue 3-4 hours away? (each way??) well, that’s pretty much a destination wedding too. I’ll assume that the wedding is on a Saturday. So…. that would mean, I would probably leave Friday after work, book a hotel that night, attend the wedding on Sat, stay the night again in the hotel, and leave on Sunday morning.  This is a whole weekend away, which is not always convenient or affordable for others. Also, if this wedding was a child free event? No way I would attend- I don’t have anyone to watch my children for a whole weekend. You have to be prepared for others to think similarly, as this certainly could happen.

Would you consider eloping to the destination of your choice? and then having a local reception upon your return? That might solve some problems and give you both what you want. My sister (who is not wedding crazy, like me), attended an I-DO BBQ for a couple who had eloped to Paris. Afterward, they had a low-key reception at home with friends and family. She had so much fun and said, ‘ wow, it was just perfect!’ that was really something coming from her !

Post # 15
6615 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

afraser0911 :  Not that it really matters that much, but can you clarify about the sister’s wedding: how far does that couple live from their wedding location? Did they also have to drive 4 hours? Or was it local to them?

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