(Closed) Dethroning a MOH

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There pretty much isn’t a way to say that without hurting someone’s feelings.  I’d really sit on this idea for awhile longer before you make the final decision, because there’s a good chance she’ll tell you “thanks, but no thanks… I’d rather not attend at all.”  It’s pretty harsh to demote someone – there’s no nice way about it.

Post # 4
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If you asked her I think it would be rude to “un-ask” her. You need to lay your expectations of her out on the table. You can’t expect people to instinctively know what you want. 

Post # 5
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011 - St. Joseph's Parish, Seattle Tennis Club

If you still want to keep her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I guess I don’t really see the harm in continuing to call her Maid/Matron of Honor, and I imagine it could really hurt her feelings if you ‘demote’ her to Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Maybe you could sit down with her to go over schedule, etc, so that she knows what is coming up, what things are particularly important for you that she attend, etc? 


Post # 6
3942 posts
Honey bee

I agree with the PP.

Going wedding dress shopping with you isn’t a “requirement” of a maid of honor, or anyone really. Sure it’s nice to have them there, but not being there doesn’t make them a crappy Maid/Matron of Honor. The only “duty” they have is to be there with you on the wedding day and support you. Everything else is ajust a bonus.

Demoting your cousin could and probably will seriously hurt your friendship.

Post # 7
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

What have you been asking her to do so far? When you asked to to be your Maid/Matron of Honor did you set expectations of what you’d be wanting her to do?

Do you ask for her availability before scheduling things? Or just schedule and then tell her to show up?

Demoting her will most likely really hurt her feelings, so think about what matters more to you: your relationship with her or not having her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Remember, your wedding is one day but your cousin is your cousin for life.

Post # 8
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@KatNYC2011 “Demoting her will most likely really hurt her feelings, so think about what matters more to you: your relationship with her or not having her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Remember, your wedding is one day but your cousin is your cousin for life.” THIS!

I would say keep the titles in place but share the duties with all the girls, that way who can help/participate can and who cant/wont but at least you will have help and input from all your girls at some point or another during the entire planning process. I hope that helps, good luck with everything!

Post # 9
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I mean, how do you politely tell someone thanks but no thanks and not hurt her feelings?

You don’t.  “Demoting” her would seriously impact your relationship in a negative way.  It’s extremely rude and bridezilla-ish.  Remeber, you don’t pick your Maid/Matron of Honor or BMs based on what they can do for you, you pick them because they are your nearest and dearest.  Going dress shopping, attending fittings, meeting with vendors, etc. are not requirements of a Maid/Matron of Honor.  It’d be great if she could do those things, but she doesn’t have to.  All she really needs to do is be there with you on the day of the wedding, hold your bouquet, and sign your marriage liscense.  Anything else is just icing on the cake.

Does she say she can come then flake out last minute?  Or do you just schedule stuff without consulting her schedule?  If she flakes, then you should have a conversation with her about it and explain that it would mean a lot to have her help and that you want her there.  Maybe she doesn’t realize how important this stuff is to you and that you really do value her input.  If, however, she just can’t make it due to other commitments then it’s unfair of you to expect her to drop everything for your wedding.

Post # 11
3942 posts
Honey bee

@vintagefair:  I still dont understand what exactly you are asking from her at this point? i mean, your wedding is almost a year away so you are right, it probably isn’t on her priority list.

Post # 12
13251 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There is no way to do this without hurting her feelings.  You asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, who is one of the most important people on the wedding day besides the bride and groom!  It’s a huge honor to be someone’s Maid/Matron of Honor, and asking her to step down now would be rude and hurtful to her.  She is family, and she’s not going anywhere in your life, so you may want to just keep her as the Maid/Matron of Honor but not expect as much from her. 

I think you’re expecting way too much from her, as well as other BMs.  Really, it’s not “giving” of you to try to accomodate their schedules; it’s expected that if you want them to try on dresses, you’ll accomodate their other committments.  Your wedding is important, but you shouldn’t expect that their lives go on hold until all of your requirements are satisfied.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is throwing my shower.  Other than that, she isn’t any different in the BMs, in the sense that I expect her to show up the day of the wedding, sober, in the dress I wanted her to wear, and getting her hair and makeup done with me.  That’s all I want, and I know my expectations will be exceeded.  

Post # 13
2586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is your wedding really in June of next year?  You have PLENTY of time for all this stuff – I think it would be an overreaction if you did this now, and theres no way to do it without hurting her feelings.

Post # 15
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The Maid/Matron of Honor duties are to show up and wear the dress you pick ut for them, plan your bachelorette party and help plan your bridal shower. Her responsibilities end there, anything more is just being a good friend. 

I don’t think you can ask her to not be your Maid/Matron of Honor and just be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

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