Post # 1
Ok, I asked my cousin, who is like my sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor for my wedding, but she never seems to be able to show up to anything that I go to (for example, trying on dresses… TOMORROW) or need her for thus far, even when i give her weeks in advanced notice!
Now, I want her to be a bridesmaid, but I do not think that I want her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, and to be honest, I would just rather have 5 bridesmaids and NO Maid/Matron of Honor at this moment- that way everyone has ‘equal duties’ and feeling may get less hurt…
I have been mulling over this for a month or two now, i just do not know how to approach her with the subject. I mean, how do you politely tell someone thanks but no thanks and not hurt her feelings?
Post # 3
There pretty much isn’t a way to say that without hurting someone’s feelings. I’d really sit on this idea for awhile longer before you make the final decision, because there’s a good chance she’ll tell you “thanks, but no thanks… I’d rather not attend at all.” It’s pretty harsh to demote someone – there’s no nice way about it.
Post # 4
If you asked her I think it would be rude to “un-ask” her. You need to lay your expectations of her out on the table. You can’t expect people to instinctively know what you want.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2011 - St. Joseph's Parish, Seattle Tennis Club
If you still want to keep her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I guess I don’t really see the harm in continuing to call her Maid/Matron of Honor, and I imagine it could really hurt her feelings if you ‘demote’ her to Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Maybe you could sit down with her to go over schedule, etc, so that she knows what is coming up, what things are particularly important for you that she attend, etc?
Post # 6
I agree with the PP.
Going wedding dress shopping with you isn’t a “requirement” of a maid of honor, or anyone really. Sure it’s nice to have them there, but not being there doesn’t make them a crappy Maid/Matron of Honor. The only “duty” they have is to be there with you on the wedding day and support you. Everything else is ajust a bonus.
Demoting your cousin could and probably will seriously hurt your friendship.
Post # 7
What have you been asking her to do so far? When you asked to to be your Maid/Matron of Honor did you set expectations of what you’d be wanting her to do?
Do you ask for her availability before scheduling things? Or just schedule and then tell her to show up?
Demoting her will most likely really hurt her feelings, so think about what matters more to you: your relationship with her or not having her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Remember, your wedding is one day but your cousin is your cousin for life.
Post # 8
@KatNYC2011 “Demoting her will most likely really hurt her feelings, so think about what matters more to you: your relationship with her or not having her as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Remember, your wedding is one day but your cousin is your cousin for life.” THIS!
I would say keep the titles in place but share the duties with all the girls, that way who can help/participate can and who cant/wont but at least you will have help and input from all your girls at some point or another during the entire planning process. I hope that helps, good luck with everything!
Post # 9
I mean, how do you politely tell someone thanks but no thanks and not hurt her feelings?
You don’t. “Demoting” her would seriously impact your relationship in a negative way. It’s extremely rude and bridezilla-ish. Remeber, you don’t pick your Maid/Matron of Honor or BMs based on what they can do for you, you pick them because they are your nearest and dearest. Going dress shopping, attending fittings, meeting with vendors, etc. are not requirements of a Maid/Matron of Honor. It’d be great if she could do those things, but she doesn’t have to. All she really needs to do is be there with you on the day of the wedding, hold your bouquet, and sign your marriage liscense. Anything else is just icing on the cake.
Does she say she can come then flake out last minute? Or do you just schedule stuff without consulting her schedule? If she flakes, then you should have a conversation with her about it and explain that it would mean a lot to have her help and that you want her there. Maybe she doesn’t realize how important this stuff is to you and that you really do value her input. If, however, she just can’t make it due to other commitments then it’s unfair of you to expect her to drop everything for your wedding.
Post # 10
I took time to make sure that everything that I have done has been scheduled at least a month in advance, and even checked with her, and all of my bridesmaids to make sure that times would work for their scheduling (which i think is pretty giving, seeing as this is my wedding…, lol) Wedding dress shopping was just one for example, i have been engaged for over a year, and she has done less and been there less for me then anyone else. Honestly I am like a 5th or 6th thought in list of importants. Her mother has even spoked to her and told her that she should step down as Maid/Matron of Honor because of her constant no-shows, or non-reachability.
I am normally a pretty understanding and patient person, not a center of attention kind of girl, but accepting the position of Maid/Matron of Honor means that you are accepting to go above and beyond the call of duty so to speak. I dont make any depands that she cannot meet, but so far she has yet to make any of them. If i leave her in Maid/Matron of Honor then she will be in charge of my bridal shower and bachelorette party (which are things we talked about, i also talked about her ability to be there for me at all times, which she agreed to) and i know that she will drop the ball. She has done it so much in the past year! Right now, she is so wrapped up in herself and her own problems that she has little to no time for anyone else!
I know that it sounds a little mellodramatic, but you only get married once, and when she got married i did EVERYTHING for her- made the bouquets, decorated the entire reception hall, help make some of the bridesmaid outfits, found and ordered her cake, arranged her music..i mean EVERYTHING so that she could enjoy the process and her day and i have received little to non of that effort back from her thus far.
I just dont know what else to do, but i know that i DO NOT want to leave her in charge of anything of importance that is coming up in my wedding or affects my big day because of the kind of flake that she has become. I know it sounds harsh, and at the end of the day i do love her, but i really feel that i should have a solid Maid/Matron of Honor, and like i said in the past year she has been anything but that.
I was thinking of maybe having a 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor, one that i KNOW will not flake… so instead of ‘de-throning’ her i could just make an addition that is more solid and helpful.Any thoughts?
Post # 11
@vintagefair: I still dont understand what exactly you are asking from her at this point? i mean, your wedding is almost a year away so you are right, it probably isn’t on her priority list.
Post # 12
There is no way to do this without hurting her feelings. You asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, who is one of the most important people on the wedding day besides the bride and groom! It’s a huge honor to be someone’s Maid/Matron of Honor, and asking her to step down now would be rude and hurtful to her. She is family, and she’s not going anywhere in your life, so you may want to just keep her as the Maid/Matron of Honor but not expect as much from her.
I think you’re expecting way too much from her, as well as other BMs. Really, it’s not “giving” of you to try to accomodate their schedules; it’s expected that if you want them to try on dresses, you’ll accomodate their other committments. Your wedding is important, but you shouldn’t expect that their lives go on hold until all of your requirements are satisfied. My Maid/Matron of Honor is throwing my shower. Other than that, she isn’t any different in the BMs, in the sense that I expect her to show up the day of the wedding, sober, in the dress I wanted her to wear, and getting her hair and makeup done with me. That’s all I want, and I know my expectations will be exceeded.
Post # 13
Is your wedding really in June of next year? You have PLENTY of time for all this stuff – I think it would be an overreaction if you did this now, and theres no way to do it without hurting her feelings.
Post # 14
p.s. though i know it doesnt sound that way, i am anything BUT a bride-zilla. I put everyone before myself, even going to far as to make sure everyone was ok with my venue before picking it due to travel costs! I dont expect everyone to drop their life and come running at my every whim, but again, it isnt fair that i should have to set my whole life around other people, esp. when my Maid/Matron of Honor expected the same of me when i was a bridesmaid in her wedding. Also, when i give at LEAST 3 weeks advanced notice on BIG things (like dress shopping) and go out of my way to give her reminders- then she should be there! I am inconviencing my life and praying that she will return the favor by showing up when in actuallity she justs chooses to do what she wants and not give a second thought to me
And i am sorry, but accepting to be someones Maid/Matron of Honor means more that signing a marriage license and holding flowers, it means that you are accepting to be there more and help more than everyone else, you are supposed to be the brides right hand lady!
Post # 15
The Maid/Matron of Honor duties are to show up and wear the dress you pick ut for them, plan your bachelorette party and help plan your bridal shower. Her responsibilities end there, anything more is just being a good friend.
I don’t think you can ask her to not be your Maid/Matron of Honor and just be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 16
I dont feel that expecting her to show up is asking to much. My wedding is 9 months away, and to me that is crunch time! I dont want to hurt her, but at the same time it seems that her feelings (and not my own) are the only ones that i am expected care for. I expect her to be there for me, and if she is indeed concerned about being one of the ‘most important people in the bridal party’ and thought that her position as my Maid/Matron of Honor was such an honor, you would think that she would at least attempt to make time to occasionally imput me into her schedule . I think that what i am saying is coming out wrong, partially due to hurt feelings, but i cant change the fact that her non caring attitude towards myself and my wedding is really upsetting to me. Though i know 9 months might seem like a long time to you, it is not so for me. And it isn’t like she lives hours away, she is literally 10 minutes down the road. I am sorry if i am coming off sounding like a bad guy, it is not my attempt and i have a hard time with stuff like this. But i think that if she keeps acting the way she has in the past 5 or so months that i will be left more stressed and ultimately more unhappy.
Is picking a second Maid/Matron of Honor to share her duties rude and thoughtless as well?