devastated

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If you want to conceive ASAP, get legally married as soon as you are able to do so, in the gown your Mother-In-Law bought. If you have to get married via Zoom, or the dress isn’t appropriate for a wedding in that season, save the gown for your later reception, if you can fit in it.

 If you can’t fit because you’re pregnant, I can guarantee you that your Mother-In-Law will feel much happier about a grandchild than about you wearing the dress. I’ve never met a Mother-In-Law who is kind enough to buy a wedding dress who wouldn’t be insanely happy about a baby on the way. You can sell the dress, or use it to make matching dress and a fancy baby outfit for a first birthday/ christening/ etc.

TTC doesn’t always work as planned. You might be pregnant next summer (and showing) or post partum, or not pregnant or not showing. 

Post # 17
Member
14032 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@endlessloop:  Everyone will be just as excited to attend a delayed reception when it is safe to do so, if not even more so. But I disagree that the current situation  makes it OK to lie to your guests in order to manipulate their behavior. If anything, it’s less of a justification. Everyone worth inviting will appreciate what you went through and want to be there, regardless.

As for fertility, that’s something you need to discuss in depth with your doctor. Barring known issues I don’t think there is a significant decline in fertility until after 35. Of course if it happens to you, it’s 100%. If you determine that this is your #1 priority then get married and celebrate at a later date TBD or have an intimate event. The dress would not enter into my decision. It can always be sold or worn later. 

Of course none of this is fun or easy and I know it’s small consolation that many others are in the same position. 

Post # 17
Member
565 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@endlessloop:  I would get married at the courthouse now, wearing your wedding dress, take beautiful photos, and then have a celebration with family and friends when you’re able to. I would also not hold off on TTC because of a wedding/honeymoon.

As a side note, I got married at the courthouse by choice and it was super special, I get that this might not be ideal for you but I bet you’ll still have an amazing wedding day.

Post # 19
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@endlessloop:  Hey bee???

 

Can I mention a few things that are merely ideas for you???

LOVE what the first poster said about letting yourself vent. FOR SURE DO THAT.

 

BUT, id also like to mention different ideas? Maybe you guys try for a baby now? If youre postponed for a year, maybe if you have a baby now, you can work extra hard after to remove any baby weight left to fit into the dress made for you. OR you can slightly alter it a little if needed, but youll only know until then.

Also, youll have a bundle of joy to keep you busy and happy from now til your marriage!!!!!…unless you want to for sure be married before baby, maybe you do visit the courthouse and get married, and if you plan and have a baby, it could be a fun and exciting thing to have a new little family, and it could be a familymoon you guys have next year :)))

 

AND YES, say you dont have baby now, you can look at the bright side and definitely save, have more time to plan and really think how you want to look back at your wedding. Maybe therell be things you want to change from now til then. 

 

I would be hurt too, thinking that I didnt ‘feel’ like i got married, but maybe make it a thing…like If you or something, like make it a date where you buy something with your new last name embroidered to take home, and you take home some dessert and wine or whaterver beverage and celebrate together and practice writing your new name and cute names that your future baby would have. ETC.

You can do that to be his wife, and be married, and then next year you do that ceremony/reception and celebrate with ppl you love! 🙂

 

IM sorry this is all happening, but you have to make it beautiful. xoxoxoxoxo

Post # 20
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

My husband and I eloped and had a ceremony a week later. Truthfully I wasn’t too into either wedding (I have social anxiety) but our family and friends were very happy for us even though they knew we eloped earlier. There were a lot of tears from them. That wasn’t even in a pandemic, so I imagine people will be even more understanding of two ceremonies. Hiding an elopement would likely make people feel betrayed and you may not even feel like you two are married since it would be a ‘secret.’ Please don’t do that. People who love you should understand.

This comes down to priorities and risk tolerance. Have you dreamed about your wedding since you were a little girl? What about being a mother? How many children do you want? Do you think you’ll regret it more if you can’t have your wedding as planned or if you have fertility issues after waiting a year (if either occurs)?

It’s true that if you postpone your wedding and get married now it won’t feel exactly the same on the day of, but that also doesn’t mean it won’t be a special and emotional day. Just like a courthouse wedding doesn’t mean you won’t cherish it. It comes down to how you frame it in your mind. If it’s something you can’t get over, then perhaps waiting is the right choice. 

Personally I’d elope and do a photoshoot with the dress Mother-In-Law gave you. Then I’d have it cleaned in case you can wear it next year and move forward with TTC. However you may need to take into account that your pregnancy experience may be different as well if you decide to TTC. In my area partners can’t come into appts with pregnant women right now and the visitors you have after birth may be affected as well so that’s something to keep in mind. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard but this is a historic time.

Post # 21
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

With the chances of us seeing a worse COVID upswing this winter, I believe people will be super excited to go to any kind of celebratory event if things go back to normal next summer. ESPECIALLY a wedding for people they love. I don’t think legalities will matter. Your wedding will be a blowout. 

FTR, I’m team don’t keep it a secret. It feels deceitful to me, and those who care about you will not care if you made it legal beforehand. I just feel like lying by omission about the legal aspect minimizes the importance of legal marriage, especially for couples who were denied that civil right for so long. There were a lot of couples who were forced to do the opposite, they had a ceremony/celebration first and had to wait to be legitimized in the eyes of the law. It is important. 

Post # 22
Bee
295 posts
Helper bee

The “rules” don’t change because of COVID, but in this case, the only “rule” would be to *not* lie to family and friends about getting married.

In your situation, OP, I think weighing having a big wedding day on the sooner side vs. starting TTC is important here. There are no “right” or “wrong” answers to that question, but it’s important that you and your SO are on the same page.

If having a big wedding sooner is more worth it, 100% postpone til next summer. This will also mean postponing TTC until next summer (from what you’ve stated, as far as not wanting to be pregnant in your wedding dress/on your honeymoon).

If TTC on your original schedule is more worth it, plan a Zoom ceremony for your original date. Wear your wedding dress (or not) and get legally married in front of select family and friends. Or, completely elope at the courthouse and/or just the two of you, but let your nearest and dearest know. Plan for a big vow renewal on your 1st or 2nd or 5th or 10th anniversary. People love celebrations, and they will understand even *more* why it’s a big vow reneal instead of a big wedding because of COVID.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this–it’s definitely not easy.

Post # 23
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

We can’t even get married because they are not issuing marriage licenses. I am almost 30 and we were planning to ttc when I am 32-33..woah now I am started to rethink this..lol

Anyways, we are going to have a courthouse wedding first, and then go on a honeymoon when possible and have a destination reception somewhere else when it’s safe

i don’t worry so much about the wedding and the dress, I think those things are quite superficial

 

Post # 24
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

 Have you thought about possibly having the big celebration in two years to make it a decade of being together? You can still legally get married choose if you want to try for kids in Jan or not. I think it would be really exciting to celebrate your 10 year anniversary with everyone. Plus I don’t mean mean to be a downer but a lot of people are already postponing their wedding to 2021 and they are not even sure if we are even going to have a vaccine a year from now…..

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