Post # 1
Last weekend my close friend announced his engagement to his girlfriend of 14 months. He said he’s previously had much longer relationships where he had no desire to commit, but when someone is the one you just know it right away, so he proposed because he wanted to make sure he’d never lose her. I congratulated them and had to quickly leave the restaurant as my eyes started filling up with tears. I’ve been with my boyfriend for most of three years and he won’t even move into my apartment, marriage might as well be a million miles away.
It just hurt me so much when he said that stuff about when someone is the one you just know it, and you hold onto them. My boyfriend clearly doesn’t know that I’m the one for him, and he obviously takes it for granted that I’ll just stick around because he isn’t holding onto me by putting a ring on my finger. Why has nobody ever chosen ME to be their wife? What’s so special about this girl that someone would choose her in 14 months, yet my boyfriend has had more than twice that amount of time and he hasn’t chosen me? I feel like there must be something wrong with me, because I’ve had half a dozen relationships and nobody has ever proposed to me, and even my current boyfriend isn’t sure if he wants me. Three of my exes who didn’t want to commit to me happily committed to someone else soon afterwards.
My boyfriend followed me out of the restaurant, and we had a huge argument because I was so angry and resentful that he doesn’t just KNOW I’m the one for him, like my friend knows his girl is the one. I shouldn’t have to pressure him, and it breaks my heart that I’ve given him so much and he still doesn’t choose me to be his wife. I’m beginning to think that I’m not the one, because if I was he’d just know it, like my friend does. It breaks my heart to think that when it’s all over he’ll probably meet someone else and choose her right away, and I’ll be left alone like always.
It was such a huge argument that we haven’t spoken in two days. I reached out to him but he didn’t reply and won’t answer the phone, so he must not be talking to me. Now I’m starting to get really upset because I do care about him and he’s blanking me. Maybe I’m just one of those women who isn’t good enough for anyone to marry, and the best I could hope for is a long term boyfriend, and I blew it 🙁
Post # 3
I am sorry sweetie, I use to feel that way about my Darling Husband. We lived together, were raising my kids together but I was not good enough to be married too. I told to him how I felt and he assured me that he was just saving his pennies to get me the ring he thought I deserved.
I hope it works out for you two and if not, I hope you find someone who does make you feel like you are the one.
Post # 4
@Lillianna: You seem very worked up. Maybe he wants you to have time to cool off first. You can’t really berate someone for not having a particular feeling, especially since you can’t know for sure whether he has it or not. He simply hasn’t given you the very expensive jewelry that’s supposed to accompany the feeling.
And here’s some unwelcome advice: The only thing you’re showing him by storming out of restaurants and having huge fights when good things happen for your friends is that that’s what he has to look forward to for the rest of his life. I doubt that’s true at all, and I’m sure you’re a wonderful loving person, so show him more of that. You can’t convince him you’re the perfect girl for him with words, you have to do it with actions he will want to be around for the rest of his life.
Post # 6
@Lillianna: You did not blow it at all. You deserve someone who knows how lucky they are to have you, and to want to cherish you for life. I can’t say if this is the guy for you or not, but you were within reason to be upset and I find it odd that your Boyfriend or Best Friend has checked out on you.
All I know is that when I met my husband, BAM, we both knew and we never looked back. It made all the problems I had had with other guys seem like a life time ago.
I wish I could give you a hug and a glass of chamapagne right now…
Be strong, if your boyfriend isn’t going to step up then you need to be ready to embrase the change that will bring you what you deserve. This is coming from someone who broke up with her long term boyfriend and under 24 later met her husband. It does happen.
Post # 7
First off, (( HUGS )) because I know you are hurting…
Maybe I’m just one of those women who isn’t good enough for anyone to marry, and the best I could hope for is a long term boyfriend, and I blew it 🙁
WHOA… Hold the phone !!
Girlfriend this just IS NOT TRUE !!
Go out and buy yourself two fabulous books… that will help you to see
(a) What is the RIGHT Man for you (and by that I mean Mr Right)
(b) What you can do to find him (you may after doing some reading determine that your current Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t DESERVE you… because YOU ARE A WONDERFUL AND ORIGINAL PERSON)
Dr Phil’s *Love Smart – Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got*
Greg Behrendt’s *He’s Just Not That Into You*
There is someone out there looking for you, who will be very very excited to marry you (truly nothing quite as amazing as a Man in Love and on a mission to be with the woman he loves… as they say “He’ll climb a mountain, swim an ocean, slay a dragon… just to get to you”
Trust me… you can make it happen…
Post # 8
@Taeyers: But it takes him three years to make a decision?
I’m really sorry, but this thread (and reading your other thread from 2 months ago) has me thinking that its true, he’s not really ready for marriage yet. You said it yourself before, maybe he thinks you’re not the one. If he can’t talk to you about his feelings and/or whats holding him back (doing the dishes more often? Is he serious?) then I would cut him loose.
Post # 9
@Lillianna: Oh no honey, I’m so very sorry. Those feelings of rejection sting so much. But please, there is nothing wrong with you. You can’t compare yourself or your relationship to everyone else’s.
Not everyone suddenly “knows” that they want to marry a certain person. Sometimes that realization comes with time, whether it’s a month, a year, two years or 10 years. And not wanting to move in with you doesn’t equate to not wanting to get married. Some people firmly believe in waiting to get married to move in together.
That being said, I think you ought to take a few days to sort out your feelings. Do you want to marry this guy or do you think it’s another dead end? Can you work out the differences in timelines for life events like engagements? Do you think that he’s the one? Emotions can really cloud our vision and it’s good to clear your head before reaching out to your SO.
If your SO can’t commit to some sort of timeline or at least get on the same page as you, it might not be worth staying. Only you can decide if the relationship is worth fighting for.
I’m really sorry *hugs*. Nobody deserves to feel unwanted by the person that claims to love them.
Post # 10
Guys are all different. Relationships are different, too. You can’t expect your boyfriend to be exactly like your friend. Also, three years is not that long to be together. Why doesn’t he want to move in together? How old are you guys?
Post # 11
@GoldfishPie: Sorry, I was just giving advice based on what is actually under her control, trying to be contructive. None of us can claim to know what he actually feels, maybe it’s marriage he’s not sure about, but he is sure about her. Who knows? He’s clearly important to her, and I haven’t read the OP’s posting history, so I didn’t think dumping him was her best plan.
Post # 12
I used to be the world’s most active contributor to matrimony – every guy I went out with married the very next girl he dated after me (not kidding, like 7 guys). It was depressing.
You can’t make yourself any particular man’s dream girl. You just cant. I made my life about other things: Education, career, travel, adventure. I had some great relationships, I had some that were a waste of everyone’s time. Ah, well. That is life.
Then, when I was pretty cool with who I was and what I was doing with my life, He walked into it. And pretty quickly made it clear that he wanted to be wherever I was, forever.
Become the person YOU want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s a work in progress, but you can start right now. Then, when you’re alone, you’re fine, because you’re your own best company. Odds are, you’ll be somebody else’s too.
Post # 13
I’ve done my share of nice things to show him how great it would be to spend his life with me. I’ve done it for years. I’ve given, and given, until I can’t give any more. I’m empty and angry and hurt, and I have nothing left to give. How long should I continue auditioning to be his wife, getting down on my knees and giving him what he wants while I don’t get what I need in return? It doesn’t seem fair that I have to just keep giving while he just keeps taking, and it’s still not enough for him to choose me as his wife, or even share a roof with me
I was already in my thirties when we met. I’m rapidly closing upon mid thirties and that makes me even more distressed about the situation. He’s no kid himself – thirty-ish, left school over five years ago and has been in a decent job for quite some time. So we’re not exactly lovestruck teenagers… we should be getting married by now, like everyone else is. My younger sister is celebrating her tenth wedding anniversary next year and it just kills me, everyone I know seems to have a committed partner, a home, and in some cases a family, while I’m still alone.
Post # 14
@Lillianna: I didn’t mean give and give and give some more. I meant be happy, have fun, celebrate with your friends, take life as it comes at you, don’t be so anxious about the future, enjoy your present. Like @ProfessorGirl said. I saw from your other post that you’re 33. Are you trying to start a family?
Post # 15
OP, just saw from reading another thread that you are 33 while your boyfriend is 29. While I still think not all guys are the same, I think younger guys (especially when they aren’t 30 yet) have no concept of why women want to get married.
My fiance, who is 31 (I am 30), did not understand why I was upset that we weren’t engaged YEARS ago. He just wasn’t ready to get married. He likes the way his life is now, and doesn’t want that to change, either — so we will have to have a serious conversation about kids one of these days. But from your guy’s perspective, he might love the way things are right now and might not want them to change.
Post # 16
No, we’re not trying to start a family. He doesn’t even want to live with me, never mind have a baby. I feel like the time left for marriage and babies is rapidly running out while he refuses to even decide whether he wants me.
I guess he probably does like how things are right now. He gets everything he wants from a relationship while not having to give any commitment in return. But things can’t be like this forever… he’s p*****g away my remaining fertile years by refusing to make a decision, even though he’s old enough and has dated me long enough to make one.