Post # 17
@Lillianna: Ok, try this. Picture yourself successfully getting over him while you get out there and start dating again. How do you feel? Optimistic? Excited? Then leave him. Dread? Heartache? Longing for him? Try to work it out.
It does sound like you personally still want a family, so taking that into consideration, I would say you do need to weigh options carefully.
Post # 18
@Lillianna: Talk to him calmly when you can. Explain why you were upset.
Take Teayers’ advice, too, and figure out whether you can move on from this relationship or not. If you can, then I would give your BF a timeline — make a decision in 6 months or you are leaving.
Also, my gynecologist told me that our bodies don’t REALLY start to change until we’re 38.
Post # 19
I think the difference between a lot of people who are engaged/married and people who have yet to find that relationship is:
1. Personal development – finding that place where you are whole on your own/confident/fulfilled and ready for that committment
2. Time. Many people are at the point above and just haven’t met the right person.
3. They clung to the wrong person but are getting married anyway.
You’re in the relationship you want to be in. If your goal is to be fully loved and wanted then you need to choose a different relationship. Work on YOU being whole, and the one you should marry will come after.
Post # 20
@peachacid: yeeeeah don’t totally agree with your gyno. Your down syndrome chances are around 1/100-1/150 by age 38. Which is exponentially higher than they are in your late 20s. A lot changes by then.
Post # 21
I’ve done my share of nice things to show him how great it would be to spend his life with me. I’ve done it for years. I’ve given, and given, until I can’t give any more. I’m empty and angry and hurt, and I have nothing left to give.
But have you communicated with him? Giving and giving and giving blindly without him knowing what your expectations are is setting yourself up for failure.
Post # 22
I just wanted to offer you a *hug* and let you know that many of us have been there. I know what you’re feeling. It took my husband 5 years to propose. (we’re 33 and 29).
If you really love this guy and you really want to spend the rest of your life with him and he feels the same way but hasn’t proposed yet, then hang in there but if he just doesn’t want to be married or be married to you then move on.
Post # 23
I don’t feel excited about dating anyone else. For one thing, I love him and don’t want anyone else, and for another, I can’t cope with the pain of dating and being rejected yet again by someone else. Even if we break up, I simply don’t have the emotional strength to continue dating any more.
However, at the same time I’m angry at him for not loving me as much as I love him, and I don’t have the strength to keep my heart invested in this relationship because it bleeds a little every day that he doesn’t choose me to be his wife. I can feel myself pulling back, not loving as much, not giving as much, because I’m starting to feel like a mug who’s being used and taken for granted.
Being married is one of his life goals, but he’s obviously not ready, and at my age I don’t know if I have time to wait for him to be ready. Maybe he’ll never be ready, because the fault is with ME – he just doesn’t want to marry ME. I honestly don’t know.
When I try to communicate what I want, he just gets angry and says he won’t be pushed and he’ll make his own decision about what he wants and when. That doesn’t seem very fair on me, to expect me to just blindly sit and wait, but that’s what I’ve been doing because I had no alternative. I’ve just given as much as I could, hoping he’ll decide that I’m special enough to commit to, but he hasn’t, and now I’m in pain because I’ve given absolutely everything and it still isn’t enough.
Post # 24
I am sorry, I am not going to sugar coat it…
you are 33 and if you want to have kids, you need to put his feet to the fire about marriage, especially after 3 years. Ask him when it is going to happen.
The fact that he is ignoring you shows that he might be having doubts.
Time to find a new man.
Post # 25
@Lillianna: Ok, another question: is he truly the man who will be a perfect husband for you? Or is he the man you love who would be a good enough husband for you? I feel like I’m not phrasing it quite right, but hopefully you know what I’m saying. It’s possible to love someone who’s not the one for you…
Post # 26
PP have given you some really great advice. I think you need to invest in loving and caring for yourself, rather than putting so much of your focus on “giving to him.” You might really benefit from reading Byron Katie’s “I Need Your Love – Is That True?” It helps guide readers toward feeling more whole within themselves, which also helps us to build healthier relationships, too.
Post # 27
After reading more of your responses I’m really starting to wonder if you actually want to be married to HIM or just be married. It sounds like you’re settling because you don’t feel like waiting/finding the right one.
Post # 28
@ProfessorGirl: This is spot on.
OP, I wasn’t ready to get engaged to my now-husband until we’d been together for SIX YEARS. There are all kinds of factors that shape “readiness,” and no, sometimes you don’t know whether you are ready to tie your life to another person’s within the first few years.
That said, it may well be that this isn’t the man for you. But you can’t frame that in terms of worthiness of being “chosen.” That’s not only self-destructive and counterproductive, it’s flat-out wrong. Surely you wouldn’t suggest that people who remain single are less worthy than others?
It seems to me like your highest priority right now needs to be rebuilding your sense of self-worth, so that it’s not dependent on your romantic relationship. Of course, anyone would be devastated to have someone they love break up with them, but it shouldn’t shape your sense of who you are and your intrinsic value as a human being.
Post # 29
I think it’s a bit of both. I desperately want to be married and have a home of my own, and children in a few years time. I want a husband to love me and be there for me. As time passes I feel increasingly desperate because I don’t have those things, and I don’t even feel like I’m moving towards them, and I’m terrified that time is running out.
BUT… I don’t want those things with just some random guy. I’d say no if I was proposed to by someone I didn’t love. I want to be with my boyfriend, I love him and want to share those things with him. It breaks my heart that I love him so much and he doesn’t choose me, and isn’t planning a future which includes me.
If I’m honest, a younger version of me would be more patient. As long as he loved me, I’d happily wait until he was ready. But my age is pushing me to desperation… I’m ready now, have been ready for years, and I’m tired of being alone and waiting for someone to love me enough to marry me. I’ve waited so long to be loved and it hurts so much that nobody has ever chosen me :'(
Post # 30
I’m terriibly sorry to hear that your hurting. I’m not sure if your a spiritual person, or not, but I honestly believe that God has certain things destined in the right time. So although you may feel like your guy is “just right” for you, God may not. We all have our own free will to choose the things we want but sometimes the things or people we want in our life may not be the best option for us, especially if it’s forced.
I would move on and really focus on your. If he’s the right one, both you and him would know it.
I pray the best for you!
Post # 31
@Lillianna: What exactly has he said when you’ve told him about your desired future? Is he patient, does he give you hope? Or does he try to end the conversation or change the subject without contributing anything? His refusal to move in with you is concerning…
Also, hate to say this (so high school)… but have you ever threatened to leave him? Have you told him this is a deal breaker? If so, how does he react?