(Closed) Devastated

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Everyone is different.

Your friend knew in 14 months.  Your man is asking a bit longer.

Comparing your relationship to their relationship is unhealthy.  Right now though you’re frustrated you’re punishing your boyfriend for not thinking, working r living like another person.

Stay strong, three years isnt abnormal!!!

Post # 49
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

After reading your post, and reading your responses to the PPs questions, I would definitely cut this guy loose.

I’m not the same age as you, but he sounds very much like my most recent ex. He would sometimes “talk” about marrying me…give me some hope at least…but at the end of the day he just wasn’t excited about me and didn’t know if he even wanted to be with me because he had major trust issues.

However, we had been together for 2 years, and I didn’t want to leave because 1.) I didn’t want to be alone 2.) I had put in all that time…I didn’t want to just “give up”!

I was willing to settle because I didn’t want to be alone. I was tired of dating. I didn’t think I would find anyone else.

But the more I thought about it…the more angry I got. Why should I settle for someone that is not CRAZY about me? Why should I put all the effort in this relationship and get nothing back?

So I broke up with him without any remorse or feelings left. He quickly realized he was a douchebag, but I had made up my mind. And you know what? 5 months later I met THE ONE, and I am getting engaged at the end of this year. I am with a man that KNEW within 2 weeks that he wanted to marry me and has never held his feelings back. He adores me.

YOU DESERVE SOMEONE THAT ADORES YOU.

Post # 50
Member
1388 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Lillianna:  Please consider counseling. The feelings you express are pretty concerning. I’ve been there myself – I went in for anxiety and instead got diagnosed with depression. I was prescribed SSRIs and got through 1 full prescription, but when my bad relationship ended and a better one started, I never needed them again. I truly think it could help you, even if your story doesn’t turn out the same way as mine. I’ve never heard anyone with depression regret going to a therapist. 

Post # 51
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to reiterate what other PP’s have said. You need to stop being so giving. As long as you keep waiting, and giving, he will never have any incentive to do anything. I don’t mean this as a “you need to force his hand and play games with him” but in the sense that if he’s already getting it on a silver platter .. why does he need to do anything? 

I do think that you love your bf. But is he really the right man for you, or are you letting your fears prevent you from going out there and meeting the right man? There is nothing wrong with you, and your bf is being an asshole who is taking advantage of you. If he’s not even willing to move in with you, then how do you expect him to make a lifelong commitment? 

When my brother got back together with his ex-Fi, both my mum and I told him not to waste her time. She wanted to get married, and he did as well. But he just didn’t want to marry her. He stayed with her anyways and gave her false hope. And then he ended up getting married very soon after they broke up. Was there anything wrong with her? No. He was just an immature asshole – as guys can be – and not thinking about her needs and wants. 

You really want to get married, and to have kids. What if you end up waiting for this guy for another couple of years, and end up not getting married in the end? Would you have wanted to waste that time on him instead of getting back out there and meeting someone who does want the same things you do? 

I’m not saying cut it off right away, but you should start distancing yourself. It sounds like while you were playing the perfect wife so he would choose you, you ended up losing yourself. Stop waiting on him hand and foot. Stop leaving the ball in his court, and start taking back power for yourself. You’ll get to that place where you not only show him that you can live without him, but you’ll also show yourself that you can, that you can be happy without giving up on yourself. 

Post # 52
Member
537 posts
Busy bee

@Taeyers: I agree and would also suggest counseling. I’d say it is normal to feel disappointed by your circumstances right now, but the utter hopelessness hints at something more serious, such as depression. Believe it or not, you CAN be happy with yourself and by yourself, and a counselor might be able to help you talk things through and figure out what it is you’re seeking and why you’re not finding it.

I’d also point out that you wouldn’t necessarily have to leave this guy to make yourself happy. You can make yourself happy while in the relationship, but that’s exactly what you need to focus on doing – making YOURSELF happy. Not making HIM happy so that he’ll want to marry you and not depending on him marrying you to make you happy. Never, ever depend on anyone else for your own happiness. 

Love is great and awesome and wonderful and amazing, but it’s not ALL you need and if you aren’t fundamentally happy, it won’t make you so. 

Post # 54
Member
41 posts
Newbee

@Lillianna:  you are so not alone! I am 33, am a successful business owner, attractive, athletic and have never met a man who wanted to put a ring on it, even with my constant love and devotion.

i also want kids so I’m attending an info session on foster care next month and next summer I’m freezing my eggs to preserve my fertility. Im working extra hours to save money to do this. My bf isn’t happy about it but I have to look out for my own happiness. I refuse to let a mans decision-making affect whether or not I birth a child. If my man never proposes, it’s his loss because I’m getting this done with or without him. I plan on 2 kids, one by adoption and one naturally. He can come along for the ride or not. In turn, I also support what he wants. He just bought a 2 bedroom house and I was all for it. But I’m not moving into a 2 br home if I am having 2 kids. Its up to him. Please consider doing right by you from this day on! We dont have all the time in the world. Why give up your dreams because your bf isn’t “ready”? Go to a sperm bank and have your child. Your bf can always adopt your child if hes serious about you.

Post # 55
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@This Time Round:  +10000000

 

Maybe he’s not the right one for you. Maybe he’s willing to string you along until he finds someone he wants to be with. Are you willing to go along for the ride to find out? 

 

Post # 57
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

To OP, I think you are settling for your current relationship.  He may be a great person but he is not addressing a fundamental source of unhappiness for you.  That makes him a crummy partner.  It doesn’t necessarily make him a bad guy in the big picture sense.  Maybe he is just not ready.  But there are plenty of men out there who are ready for marriage.  My husband told me on our first date that he was tired of relationships not working out, so he had promised himself he would date any new women for up to a month, and after that he would not pursue any further if he didn’t think there was long term potential.  I was equally up front and even stated in my online dating profile that I was “looking for something serious / long-term.”  Those attitudes did not guarantee we would get married to each other, but it did help separate the wheat from the chaff in the dating pool.

If it’s been three years and you are worried about running out of time, I suggest you lighten up on your attitude towards and expectations of your boyfriend.  Maybe even stay in touch but tell him you need to see other people.  Decrease your commitment to him so that it matches his commitment to you.  You can make it clear to him that this is about YOU addressing YOUR needs.  Your needs are not being addressed in this relationship, so you need to take responsibility for your own life and figure out how to address those needs outside the relationship.

One great thing about being married is that your have someone to watch your back.  But one great thing about being single is that you’re not on the hook to prioritize another person’s happiness.  Your boyfriend is making it clear that your happiness is not his priority.  But since you’re not married that means you are in a position to prioritize your happiness by continuing to search for the relationship that addresses your needs.

Sorry if that is not the advice you want to hear.  I sympathize with your concerns about your age.  I didn’t meet my husband until I was 32.5, and I had some similar concerns before I met him.

Post # 58
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

There is some great advice on this thread. Especially about needing to stop giving. I understand; I have been somewhere in the region of where you are. When I split with my ex everyone around me seemed to be coupled up and I wondered what was wrong with me, why did nobody want me, why did this or that person have what I didn’t. I know you’re wanting a proposal rather than a partner, but it’s a similar thought pattern.

I know this sort of advice annoyed me when I was on the receiving end, but it’s time to stop focusing on what’s ‘wrong’ with you and it’s time to stop being so giving. 

Think about what you want. From a partner, from a relationship. Then don’t settle for anything less. I know it sounds like a cliche but you need to be happy in yourself and happy by yourself.

Post # 59
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I have had friends in similar situations, desperate to marry their boyfriend,ntrying to be the perfect girlfriend so they would propose etc etc.  at 3 years in your thirties he should know.  My friend was lucky because her bf finally broke up with her – when she was 33-because he admitted he wasn’t going to marry her- most men will string women along for along time.  She was a mess, depressed, devastated.  Then 5 months later she met a guy, he loved her for who she was, they were engaged within a year, married within 2.

When you are with the right guy it is not be so hard.  Your prior boyfriends found the right woman after you broke up, they moved quickly.  Not because there is anything wrong with you, just because you weren’t the right one for them.  Look, this is hard as hell.  And scary.  But if you really want marriage and kids you have to give yourself a chance now to find it.  Your boyfriend does not appear to be the one.  

Post # 60
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

I think the best thing is for you to sit down and decide what YOU want.  If marriage is what you want (and a dealbreaker for you), you should sit him down and let him know that. If he really isn’t ready for a comittment, move on and find someone who is.  Hope it works out for you!!!  

Post # 61
Member
3329 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Yogachild:  That is the best piece of advice I have ever heard.

I wish you the best of luck.

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