(Closed) Devastated

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know you love him a lot, but the two of you don’t even sound remotely compatible.  The way you both see love is totally different.  Unless he changes overnight, you are already set up for a world of heartache sweetie.  I think PP’s gave a lot of good advice, and numero uno is distancing yourself & making other plans.

Oh, and I would like to remind you: 33 is not old, you have plenty of time.

Post # 63
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

I did push SO once, I felt he wasn’t trying to “keep” me anymore, so I moved out on my own and started dating others and out dong the things i loved to do. Dancing, maybe partying up a little bit, buying MYSELF presents, all that. Three weeks later he was on my doorstep begging me to come back.

He realized he hated life without me and was taking advantage of me being “always there” without any thought to what I wanted to do with MY life, besides be with him. I’m not saying what I did could work for you, but maybe you should really think about branching out and finding new friends and people to hang out with, not devoting all of your time to “keeping” someone else.

You can’t make anyone happy if you are not happy. 

So what makes YOU happy, that has nothing to do with him or your relationship?

Go do that. If he is worth it he will either become interested in YOUR life and want to be A PART of it, or he will fade away.

Go find your happy.

Post # 64
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lillianna:  

 

Maybe I’m just one of those women who isn’t good enough for anyone to marry, and the best I could hope for is a long term boyfriend, and I blew it 🙁

 

I haven’t read this whole thread yet but oh my gosh, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I could have written your post years ago when I was in a similar situation.

Please, please, PLEASE do NOT waste your energy tearing yourself down. There is nothing wrong with you. And no, you have not “blown it.” (Let him see your feelings. Let him know you are hurting! Let him see how this affects you.)

The reason you’re still waiting and hurting after three years is because either

A) your b/f loves you but not enough to marry you — in which case you need to cut your losses and move on

-or-

B) your b/f loves you enough to marry you but he’s taking his sweet time because he has gotten too comfy — in which case you need to let him know that you’re not willing to wait much longer.

 

The reason some women seemingly get proposals quickly is because they didn’t spend years waiting around for some guy to make up his mind. This girl who just got engaged to your friend might have had to break it off with three guys before that because they wouldn’t commit. We don’t really know that, but I’m just saying.

Some women are comfortable with waiting and being patient for years — but if you’re not, then don’t stay indefinitely in a relationship that is not aligned with your goals and dreams.

(((Hugs)))) I’m sorry you’re upset!

 

 

Post # 65
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

@Lillianna:   i want you to know that you aren’t alone. I’ve been with my guy for 3+ yrs as well and no proposal on the horizon. At this point I’m no longer waiting, I’m just happy we’re common law and such. I think you need to sit down and talk with your SO about your future and if he refuses to take your feelings seriously, it’s time to move on and move up. I agree that books are a great way to help you. I read

Its called a break up because it’s broken &

I used to miss him but aim is improving

 

Both are amazing books that gave me back my self esteem when i was low. Best wishes and message me any time =)

Post # 66
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I’m glad people find my advice to be good. SO swears I am pressuring him, but I tell him he has the freedom to dowhat he chooses. If he wants to just date, fine. But I’m still having my children. I’m also buying a house too. He bought a freaking 2 bedroom, so obviously that won’t work if we have 2 kids of opposite gender. My mom is a realtor and she is baffled that my bf, who wants kids by the time he is 40, bought a 2 bedroom house.  He is 37 now.

Post # 68
Member
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

While I understand that you are upset, and that your situation is frustrating, leaving a resturant after someone just gave happy news and having a huge fight resulting in him ignoring you for days and then trying to communicate through a letter makes me think that this relationships is a little immature. On both ends.

Honestly? Cut him loose. Take a little time for yourself…sounds like you might need to decide if you just want to be married, or if you want a lasting, solid relationship that results in a good, healthy marriage. You can’t run around thinking that you are not good enough for anyone to “pick” and that you have to settle for a long term relationship. Noone is going to want to date someone with that attitude, and if you are going around making that known, then men will pull away and NOT want to marry you.

Confidence is key…you have to believe that you are worth it.

Post # 69
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Lillianna:Maybe I’m just one of those women who isn’t good enough for anyone to marry, and the best I could hope for is a long term boyfriend, and I blew it 🙁

Please, please, please stop thinking like that. Five and a half years ago I had a boyfriend who your BF reminds me of and I let him string me along for two and a half years thinking I wasn’t good enough. I believed that I wasn’t good enough to deserve love let alone marriage but thought it would change if I hung on long enough. It didn’t.

When we split up, I threw myself into getting fit, moving on at work and trying to rid myself of the belief that I wasn’t the kind of girl you married but the kind of girl you f**ked. But the right man was out there and if I hadn’t split up with the douchebag, we never would have had a chance.

Post # 70
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Lillianna:  Aw *hugs*

My advice is that it’s different for everyone. I don’t think that in every relationship there’s that magical moment when the guy goes “OMG SHE IS THE ONE!”. Relationships are complicated. There are more factors than whether you get that feeling. Of course it’s nice to feel that way, but at the same time, how many relationships failed when that feeling was in place, but nothing else was (money, careers, etc.)?

Also you need to remember.. hard as it is.. that appearances aren’t everything. The happy, shiny couple has their own issues. They could be divorced in 5 years. So drawing comparisons isn’t helpful to you. I know it’s hard not to. I think most of us would do the same.

Maybe your guy is just cooling off. Although I understand how you feel/felt during that argument, you never know how he interpreted it. He might have thought everything was a-ok, and then the fight seemed to come out of left field. You say that you can’t even get him to move in with you but don’t give many other details. Without knowing some more detail and reasons why, I’d be hard pressed to make any good judgment of whether your relationship is working or not.

With all that said, I don’t think you should settle. And like I tell everyone, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to discuss the future. If a guy doesn’t want to discuss the future.. especially 3 years in… that’s a red flag. My guy and I discussed the future from the get-go. Maybe we’re unique in that way, I don’t know. My ex strung me along for 5 years until I finally said ENOUGH. He was wishy washy and wouldn’t commit. He moved in with me.. but not because he had the intention of marrying me. I think that talk needs to happen BEFORE you live together. Trust me.

If you are still a couple, I think you need to have a rational discussion as to where you both see this going. That is perfectly reasonable. If he indicates this is on the track to marriage, then work out a timeline. If not, then I’d seriously consider moving on. I believe there is someone out there for pretty much everyone. I don’t see why you’d be the exception.

Post # 71
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Lillianna:  im sorry you feel so low 🙁 grab a gf and go shopping or have a wine night. you need to surround yourself with others and get busy instead of worrying about this.

I’ll just say that first off, you have to know if you really really want to marry HIM or if you really really just want a guy (any guy) to desire you as his wife. Your post comes off as if you just really want a guy to want you so much, he put a ring on your finger. Focusing on that may be causing you to continuously date the wrong guy (guys that are with you for years but then break up and get engaged quickly to someone else). You should first figure out if you want to be with your current boyfriend forever. If he is husband material. If not, I would say to move on. If you date again, focus on finding a guy that brings out your best qualities, and provides you will all the qualities you look for in a man. Also date a man who has marriage on his radar around the same timeline as your own. If you choose to stay with your current man, have an honest conversation. If after 3 years he’s not sure if he wants to marry you, are you okay with waiting til it clicks? Good luck!

Post # 72
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’ll be blunt.  After three years, if he doesn’t know, I’d move on.  You want marriage now and he doesn’t, and it’s not unreasonable for you to want it at this point, especially if you want a family.  

 

As for your friend “knowing”, I think this sort of thing has as much to do with where the guy is in his life as it does with love.  Knowing someone’s “The One” happens differently for everyone.  For some people, it’s an instant thing, or a few month of dating, or knowing after years they’re about to lose someone.  Unfortunately it doesn’t happen as cleanly for all of us as it did for your friend.

Post # 73
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Lillianna:  I’ve told him for a long time that I’ll leave if we’re not committed by my 35th birthday (next year). I say stuff like “If we’re still together” when he mentions something like next year’s vacation. None of this has made any difference. I’ve threatened to leave, have even said it’s over, to no avail. He seems incapable of making any sort of choice about his life.

The reason why this hasn’t worked is because you have not followed through. If it’s over, MEAN it. If you say you’re going to leave, MEAN it. You haven’t meant any of it, nor done anything to suggest that you meant it … therefore he dismisses it and now your threats don’t mean anything to him because he knows you’re not going to follow through.

Post # 74
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Read “Why Men Marry Bitches” and take control of your life. 

Basically you are living your life around him. It need to stop. He need to know that you can move on and be happy without him. So if he wants to be part of your life he needs to make his decision. 

 

Post # 75
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sounds like “i don’t know” is a carrot he’s dangling in front of you, because he thinks you’d leave if he just said, “I don’t want anything to change.”  Also, you said you want to have a child and a house— you don’t need a boyfriend or husband to get the house, and sperm doners exist.  The baby would still be biologically 1/2 you.  Just an option, due to your age. 

Also, major red flag that you guys got in a fight and he hasn’t talked to you in 2 days.  His communication skills are on par with an 18 year old boy.  You say he’s in his 30s?  Oof.

Tell him that, by the end of the week, you want a timeline from him.  Ask him to write down, in an ideal world, when you two would get engaged, get married, move in, have kids.  If you can live with his timeline and/or compromise on his, time to go into counseling to get those communication skills going.  If his desires are completely different from yours, don’t threaten to leave, just do it.

Post # 76
Member
537 posts
Busy bee

@strawbs: Also agree with this. You’ve said that you give, give, give, so likely when you make those empty threats and he has no reaction, you go back to groveling and begging for his love and attention. He knows that you don’t mean what you say and that you’ll stick around and do literally ANYTHING to try to keep him. So stop doing that. It’s not helping.

The topic ‘Devastated’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors