(Closed) Devastated…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

*Hugs* It sounds like you’re really in a tough spot. If he’s willing to get married at city hall, is he willing to cut the guestlist to include only your nearest and dearest? If not, why?

It seems to me that cutting the guestlist is the only way to keep what he wants (full service sit down meal) and some of what you want.

Post # 4
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

omg hun im so sorry to hear this update. I’m so frustrated for you.  You list all these things you are giving up for “his” wedding, but what exactly is he giving up for you to have at the wedding?  I’d feel much differently if his parents were paying for it, but they aren’t even contributing! You and your parents need to take the reigns and make this wedding about what you want. Clearly Fiance doen’t seem to care about what you wnat, so you should go ahead and get what you want – it’s your parent’s money afterall.  The purse strings should be holding the power here.  

Post # 6
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh dear god. He has no reasonableness. You guys have to me a lot going on, and some of it yes would be unique but it’ll be fine without.

Fiance and I just decided on Friday to go buffet and I am mortified by this as I wanted a plated dinner and had said to some people that we would. However for the extra food and way less money it had to go. I just have to suck it up.

I feel your pain as I have compromised on this whole  wedding (he had no vision for the unique, cool and much cheaper wedding I wanted so I now have to have mine just like everyone elses (except they had plated hajokes on me)).

Is he usually open to discussion after a cooling off period? Can you get the venue’s ear and have them appraoch him about other options?

 

 

Post # 7
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

How come his family get to make demands and not pay for anything? I would tell them that the midnight buffet is out of your budget. But if they can come up with ~insert cost of midnight buffet here~ then you can have it. I suspect thats a major portion of the cost.

Or cut the guest list. Pick a new number (I vote 200 or 150) and divide that by 4. Have 1 quarter be your family, 1 quarter be your family, 1 quarter your friends, and 1 quarter his friends. Anyone who wants to go over (mainly his family) has to find the money themselves.

Post # 8
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Cut the guest list. 250 people is A LOT.

Post # 9
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

70k huh? I can’t even fathom that much on a wedding. Rage on girl!

 

 

Honestly costs creep up as it gets closer – 70K now will still end up being more by May.

 

Post # 10
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would definitely start by cutting the guest list. Just cutting 50 people saves a ton of money!

Post # 11
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well if he wants all of this crap with a huge guest list, then he needs to ask his parents and they need to pay the F up! I am in rage mode for you!

I am having similar issues with my own mother – but at least it’s MY mom not his and my momzilla is paying for everything so it’s *almost* justified.

I would tell you to talk with him and iron out a middle ground but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be very helpful. What about a big group meeting between your parents and his with both of you involved? 

I honestly think you should just start putting your foot down and saying No.  Better yet, just don’t send the invites out to his “family” – cut if off at a number you find reasonable! They really need to compromise, else i think the best solution really is to elope.  

Post # 12
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This has gotten ridiculous.  

He’s acting like a spoiled brat on someone else’s dime.

I’m nearing the suggestion of planning this by yourself and letting him show up and enjoy what you’ve put together seeing as he cannot and will not compromise.

Btw-this would give me pause for committing my life to someone who cant compromise, cant discuss and can’t see the big picture, and storms out.

Post # 13
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Also I would approach it as an “either or” situation. Give him choices like:

  • We can have a sit down dinner with 150 guests or a buffet with 250 guests
  • We can have the midnight buffet with 150 guests or no midnight buffet with 250 guests
  • ect.

Fiance always says the best way to get someone to do what you want is to give them several choices (which you can live with) and to let them pick their favorite.

Post # 14
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

Jeez, $40k is a huge amount of money as it is.

I guess my opinion is that ultimately a wedding is about two families joining together rather than strictly about the couple. It sounds like you have an awful lot of extras that won’t make any sense to your guests. A second dress, specialty food stations, etc. None of things will make a difference to your guests. I promise you no one will care about missing out on an illusionist, pad thai and poutine. What would the total be if you just had a sit down dinner and open bar?

As an aside, what is a strolling table? I’ve never heard of that.

Post # 15
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@mayflowerbride13:  That’s ridiculous. If he can have a courthouse wedding and not invite family, then he needs to be able to compromise on the guestlist.

It sounds like you need to step back from the wedding planning for a little while and figure what’s most important. I’d sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel about the current wedding plans. Tell him how it makes you feel when he refuses to compromise on anything. Tell him that it’s unfair that he and his family are controlling the whole wedding when you and he should be the only ones making decisions.

One suggestion that helped me in wedding planning was to have my husband and I each to make a list of the 3 things most important to us. Each person only gets 3 things and has to compromise a lot more on things not in their top 3. I also think it’s fair to set a non-negotiable budget of $40k. It may even help to break that budget down into the amount for each of your top 3’s and tell him he has to compromise if he can’t find anything in his budget.

You obviously know your relationship much better than I do, but I have to ask: have you had similar problems with him being unwilling to compromise during your relationship? I’d be a little concerned about being married to someone with such a “my way or the highway” attitude.

Post # 16
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

$70K? Ok this is just crazy money unless you come from a wealthy family.

I think you both need to take a step back and realize this is a one day event. And if your family is paying for half, this isn’t fair that he gets to make all the demands. Yikes..

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