(Closed) Devastated…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
4173 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow…that is a chunk of cash….!  I get why your upset, sounds like a lot of planning and care went into all of this..just keep in mind that as long as your married at the end your wedding was a success….both of you round up your golden cows, the things you cannot bear to part with and forget the rest of the stuff.  

Post # 21
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@mayflowerbride13:  If that’s his general attitude, then I think you have bigger problems than wedding planning. It’s good that your in counseling for this. Marriage (really any long term relationship) requires constant compromise. Have you thought about postponing the wedding to work on your relationship? Even if postponing costs you money, it’s going to be a lot less than the full cost of the wedding you don’t want or the emotional cost of marrying into an unhealthy relationship.

Post # 22
Member
4173 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

There comes a time in every relationship when a man realizes that the woman he loves is also a force to be reckoned with….sounds like your man needs a lesson, I know money is a hot button for a lot of couples, that’s no reason to shy away from discussing it.  If you feel comfortable spending 35k and no more, that’s just what it’s gonna cost.  I would tell him it’s happening weather he helps me or not, but guests and expenses are getting cut.

Post # 23
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Are you just venting? If so, yeah, I’d be pissed. Rage on!

Or do you want advice?

I think you need to step back and have a sober, calm conversation with Fiance. I hope it’s not too late in the planning for you to do this, but first you have to impart to him that this is how life is: you want a wedding, you have to pay for it–the same as a house, a car, or anything else. So first things first: how much do you want for your FUTURE together–ie, how much do you want to commit to your future downpayment? If you have $70K (I couldn’t keep the numbers straight), and you want $50K for a house, then that leaves you $20K. Well, there’s only so much that you can do with $20K (which, lets be honest–$20K on a wedding is a first-world problem!) and things with your wedding will have to suffer some compromising.

The other thing that you should do is impart to him that this is a wedding for BOTH of you. So it shouldn’t turn into an event that just represents him. One of the things that I’ve heard couples do is the “rule of 3,” which means that they each pick three things that are going to take precedance over all others–food, flowers, dress/attire, shoes, location, honeymoon, cake, music/entertainment, alcohol, photography, videography, favors, etc. You each get ONE individually, leaving one that you both agree on. And then you accept that if it’s really important to have an open bar, then you can’t have the 5-course meal.

 

On another note, this is still worth talking about because it’s not fair for anyone to refuse compromise, but especially when we’re talking about a marriage. Marriage IS compromise!

Post # 24
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

hAS he heard the phrase a happy wife = happy life? I would think long and hard about if he’s ready to do what it takes to make a marriage work or are you expected to let him always have his way. That’s going to be pretty tough! That’s an incredible amount of money for one day. Is he personally contributing to the wedding?

Post # 26
Member
1203 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

HUGS!  I think maybe you should show him this post so he can see how much it is affecting you but you both really need to have a good talk.  This is wedding is about your relationship and not just what he wants.  I hope it all works out.

Post # 27
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mayflowerbride13:  just to confirm the wedding itself costs have skyrocketed to 70K

Post # 28
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

GROOMZILLA!!!  He and his family are the ones insisting on all that extra fancy shit.  Yes, I called it shit.  They can come up with a way to pay for it (that doesn’t involve breaking you financially–you’re being smart in not wanting to waste your nest egg on a party).   

You shouldn’t have to give up your dream for him to provide open bar, sit down dinner, etc. to people he insists on inviting but doesn’t even know.  Why is a midnight buffet ok, but the dinner must be sit-down?  

Girl, don’t you dare sell that second dress!  

Post # 29
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Do people really get 15-20k at weddings???

Post # 30
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Maybe people gift more in your location but we had 180 people actually attend the wedding and invited about 220 and we got no where near $20k in gifts. If you have to bank on that to pay for the wedding I would be concerned.

While you listed a lot of extras you could cut they should not all be the things you want. Compromise is needed here. I like the other suggestion of listing out the options having him pick. I think laying it out like that might make it easier for him to understand. What a tough spot you are in. Maybe bring it up at counseling so they can help you talk through it?? Good luck!!

Post # 31
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Just reading it made me feel frustrated for you! I truly think you can still have the wedding you BOTH want rather than him not wanting to compromise. I would take up the suggestions which VAwife and TwoCoasts suggested. I hope it works out for you!

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