(Closed) Devastated…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I know what you mean….My future Father-In-Law and Mother-In-Law are not contributing as much to the wedding as planned.  My Mother-In-Law even wants to invite small children who run around and cause a muck…but they don’t even know our names when we seen them. My fiance, myself and my parents are contributing all together to the wedding.  I say you and your parents pay for your own guests, your parents pay for theirs and your family.  Your fiance and his parents can figure out how to pay for his friends and their family.  If they don’t pay…then cut their guest list down to the ground…LOL  Sorry I didn’t have time to read all the posts….cuz I’m sleepy and need to wake up early.  Will read more tomorrow.  good luck!!!

Post # 33
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@mayflowerbride13:  Im sorry.  Can you cut down some items from within the seated meal? is full open bar necc – ie could you choose a range of liqur, wine beer cocktails but not have a full bar?  Also if you are only saving 1200 by cutting the videographer, a video is what you will have left after the day (as well as photos), I would think that seeing as you have paid the deposit maybe you should keep them? Do you need a midnight buffet?  I have no experience with large weddings so sorry if my questions arent very useful. Also can you really get much back by selling second dress before the wedding, why not sell them both (dresses) after the wedding?  You have it now and you prob wont get much more for it selling it now then next year.

Post # 34
Member
5785 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m really not very clear on how this has spiralled so far out of control, but I think you should now tell him that your parents have pulled out of contributing ANYthing, and see where he stands. Maybe facing a huge debt like that will have some impact and he’ll finally be amenable to sitting down and discussing it all like an adult.

Even tho you have made some deposits on some things, are any of them able to be applied to a different date without charging you a penalty? Instead of losing the business altogether, many venues will work with you and allow you to use the deposits later on. Right now it sounds like you may have to postpone this whole thing if you can’t come to an agreement.

Post # 35
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

I would call his bluff on the court house wedding. We are only spending X amount of money and we can do that by having buffet or by cutting guest list but if you can’t agree with either of those options then we will just go to the court house. Or have him parents pay up. That is a ton of money.. maybe a cheaper venue would have been better. Sorry its been stressfull!

Post # 36
Member
1933 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@ImagineDragon24:  Only if they have incredibly wealthy family members, I think.  We got a NICE chunk of change (way more than expected) with our 150 guests, but it was nowhere near 15-20k.  That’s insane…..and awesome if it happens to some people.

View original reply
@mayflowerbride13:  I can sympathize with you about the crazy costs of a wedding.  We planned ours to be about 35k….and it was over 60k.  However, we paid for it ourselves, minus a gift from my parents, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  I will say, I think you guys are going about the actual planning all wrong.  If you don’t agree on something….BOTH of you….then you need to BOTH come up with a compromise.  It can’t be all you (or all him for that matter).  I didn’t pick one single thing without speaking to my DH about it first.  If he didn’t care about it, he would leave it up to me (like my dress, flowers, etc).  If he DID care, he would speak up, and we would get some options, and decide together.  It’s the only way for it to be fair.  Also, I definitely wouldn’t count on getting all that money in gifts to pay back the wedding – and it’s not worth the debt you’re going to go in to.  We had 150 guests (and my DH is all italian and spanish with a VERY large family) and didn’t come away with nearly that.  Take a step back and look at your communication in your relationship.  It’s way more important than your wedding day.  

Post # 37
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Unless your fiance knows people on his “family” list, they should not be invited…unless his family is willing to contribute.  You need to make that very clear to him…and refuse to compromise on that.  Where does he think the money will come from?

Post # 38
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to BOTH compromise.  There are some things on your list that I see you can cut (2nd dress, pad thai station, etc.) but he also has to make some concessions as well.

And, if his parents are making demands they need to pony up some cash.  Maybe that’s horrible to say, but this is YOUR wedding and if they have specific demands they need to back them up with the checkbook. 

Post # 39
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Read through the entire thread and all the others as well.

Your Fiance sounds like a bully.  Not liking him much at the moment, sorry. 

Has he ever heard the word compromise?  It is so wrong that everything you wanted and were looking forward to about YOUR wedding is being cut but his MOTHER’S priorities are not being cut or even scaled back.  Wrong on so many levels.

He’s afraid of her and letting her run the show.  And your parents are paying for it.  Makes me sick!

I’ve suggested you get counseling for yourself – alone – and apart from your FI’s anger management counseling.  I hope you take my suggestion.  Here’s my fear:  If you’re being treated this way NOW – as a BRIDE – how are you going to be treated LATER, as a WIFE??

I have a gut feeling his “working on his temper” and “anger management therapy” is going to go out the window after the I DO’s and he has you completely under his thumb.

Hope not.

Post # 40
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It might just be time to tell him if he is so attached to these ideas that he needs to plan it out himself. The money is clearly there, let him figure it out.

 

Honestly, I think you might just be happier eloping and throwing a big party later that is significantly lower stress.

 

Remember, just because you have $70k doesn’t mean you have to spend it all on the most elaborate party ever. This is your day and his day and you need to compromise and meet in the middle.

Post # 41
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Also, I want to add that in the beginning stages of planning my fiance was very much living in dream land.  He wanted all of these things.  I went along with it, researched prices and when I finally broke it down for him how much these things would cost, he came back to earth.  

One thing we did was make a list of the 5 most important things for us as individuals for the wedding.  We then combined those lists and made those mutual items our priority items where we’d spend the most money/splurge.  It worked out quite well.  We both had to let go of some of our “dream” items, like a photo booth and fireworks show, but in the end I think we’re both pretty happy with the wedding we have planned.

I also think your fiance needs a good reality check on the guest list.  He needs to know that you simply cannot have all of these luxuries like a midnight buffet and plated dinner with 250 guests.  Which is more important to him, the people who will be there or the extras?  If it’s the extras, he needs to cut back on his guests so you can get down to your budget.

It’s tough, hang in there!!  

Post # 42
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@asscherlover:  yup just like with children

Post # 44
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@mayflowerbride13:  I totally get that.  When I look at the bottom line I sometimes get panicky and think of all the things we could do with that money.  However, we are using it to pay for the wedding and hopefully we will receive some monetary gifts from the wedding to help build our future.

I would advise against putting anything on credit with the hopes that your gifts will pay for it.  That way, any gifts you receive can be used for a house, car, pay of debt, etc.

Post # 45
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@mayflowerbride13:  You know what though…if they are going to help pay, and no one except them is going over budget…then whatever!  It might be worth the angst of spending more than you wanted on a wedding…  You’ll avoid a huge conflict with your inlaws.  

Post # 46
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@mayflowerbride13:   Ok, maybe not a typical playground bully.  But when it comes to his mother he sounds spineless.  And I have no respect for the way he’s treating you.  Add the “anger problem” to that personality type and it sounds bully-ish to me.  In a weak way.

I wish you all the best, you don’t deserve to be treated as though you DON”T COUNT.  Just because you’re younger and more vulnerable than he is doesn’t mean he is allowed to control you or your wedding.  It is your wedding just as much as it is his.  Your family counts just as much as his family does.  Regardless of who is paying what – both families count equally.  His family just has louder mouths.  They love it that none of you speak up for yourselves and are so easily manipulated.  Fun for them.  For you – not so much.

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