(Closed) Devastated…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 49
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You guys need a non-partisan mediator.  Like a marriage counseler?  To hear you both out in the same room, at the same time, which also forces you to listen to the other person’s argument again, without interruption.  This is really setting off warning bells that extend beyond the wedding, and you should NOT ignore that.

I’m going to emphasize everything this Bee said:

andilovesjosh (message)       

This has gotten ridiculous.  

He’s acting like a spoiled brat on someone else’s dime.

I’m nearing the suggestion of planning this by yourself and letting him show up and enjoy what you’ve put together seeing as he cannot and will not compromise.

Btw-this would give me pause for committing my life to someone who cant compromise, cant discuss and can’t see the big picture, and storms out.

 

Post # 50
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@mayflowerbride13:  Then you say to him, “I do not want to go into debt for this.  We need to find another solution.”  

Post # 51
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If his parents are demanding things you cannot afford, they need to put up or shut up — end of story. Marriage is supposed to be about compromise, and I think the only one compromising here is you.

Post # 52
Member
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS ))

Good golly miss molly this is one difficult situation you are in, isn’t it?

Ok here is my take.

I’ve been to Italian Weddings before, they certainly are BIG affairs, and yes there is a certain amount “of show” that goes along with them … went to one in the 1980s where while we were all eating Dinner, it was like The Price Is Right… they had a team of guys wheel across the Banquet Room Floor various gifts from the Relatives on wheeled flat-bed dollys for all the Guests to see… The Fridge & Stove from Aunt & Uncle So.And.So – The Washer & Dryer from Sister Maria and her Hubby Frankie – The Bedroom Set “from Italy” from the God Parents etc… and on top of all this there were the “Gift Envelopes” and Mom & Dad threw in the Down Payment for a House !!

The Guests enjoyed an Incredible multi-course meal (I seem to recall… Antipasto – Soup – Seafood – Salad – Fish Course – Pasta Course – and Steak).  There was free flowing Champagne, Wine and an OPEN BAR.  Wedding Cake and a HUGE Dessert Buffet and more eats at Midnight after a evening of dancing to a LIVE BAND (including a Money Dance for the Bride… which is also an Italian Tradition)

It had been a Cathedral Wedding, the Bride’s Dress magnificent (no doubt cost a fortune), the Reception Venue gorgeous, the Décor spectacular… and on and on…

Sure it was one of the most memorable weddings I’ve ever been to, and 30+ years on I of course remember many of the details.  BUT were the Bride & Groom any happier ?  Was the planning any less stressful ?  Was there no family drama ?  At the end of the day, was anyone less married than someone who scoots off to the Courthouse ?

The answer to ALL of these Questions is of course NO.

And that is the point… sure it is nice to have a BIG Pouffy White Wedding… but it does not a marriage make.

I LOVE your theme, but at the same time, you said it yourself, this is beginning to look like a circus.

Time to get out the BIG RED MARKER, and start scratching off items.

I understand wanting to preserve your original vision… the Alice In Wonderland theme… and I also get the “sense” it makes to have your Wedding serve as a canvas to showcase your work as an Event Planner (and I’d hope that he would understand that rationale)

As well I understand his Italian Roots and the need “for show” and a sense of family.

BUT honestly if there is NO SHOW OF MONEY, then something has to give !!

I can understand his Parents (maybe) not putting anything into the pot… but him too?  Sorry I don’t get that.

And if this is going to be a BIG showy Italian Wedding, because of his family then SOMEONE on that side needs to put up or shut up IMO.

I’d tell him it is one of the other…

250 Guests =OR= a Rethink on the Food & Beverage Plan (that includes the Cocktail Hour – Dinner – Midnight Buffet – OPEN BAR)

I can not comprehend how someone wants to invite 250 people, wine & dine them to the hilt if they readily admit that there are people on the Invite List they don’t even know

Personally, I’d be taking out that RED MARKER and scratching out about 100 Names if you can do it… because dropping your Guest List by 100 is going to make a SUBSTANTIAL mark in the amount of money you are spending across the board (not just on food & beverages… but also on Invites, Postage, Décor, Linens, Flowers, Favours etc)

I do like the idea that others put forward, that perhaps you guys come up with a list of 3 items that cannot be compromised… and then EVERYTHING else is on the table and open territory for that THICK RED MARKER.

Ultimately, I am worried about the direction this is going… because of his not wanting to compromise.  That is NOT A GOOD SIGN… that is a BIG RED FLAG for your marriage quite frankly !!

I hate ultimatums, and I hate a whole lot of drama.

But quite honestly I think that if this is causing you boat-loads of stress… to the point where you cannot sleep then I do think you need to take some RADICAL action.

Tell him that you are done Wedding Planning for awhile.  Tell you are taking “a break”.  Tell him that as far as you are concerned The Wedding is ON HOLD until the two of you can sit down like adults and come to grips with the financial situation.  And if that doesn’t happen in an appropriate amount of time (you know your timeline working with your Vendors)… then the Wedding will move from ON HOLD to POST-PONED…

Notice I didn’t say CANCELLED.  I said post-poned, way-laid.  In hopes that you can…

(a) Recoup some money from the Vendors (move the deposits to a future date) and

(b) Get your Fiance to see this is a SERIOUS ISSUE and not going to come off the table

Lol, he wants to be stubborn… girlfriend you can be stubborn too (and quite honestly… from a point of view of what is most important you are the one who has all their ducks in a row and acting like a responsible adult albeit that you are only 23, and he is much older)

He honestly needs a frickin dose of reality…

There is $ 35 K in the Budget.  That is it… that is all.  He wants more, then he has to bring more.  Be that CA$H or GAME PLAN but something has to give !!

I’m not suggesting that you shut down, or shut him out completely.  BUT he needs to know you are DEAD SERIOUS.  This is the real world… and married life will be like this too… (you don’t want to be married to the guy who goes out and buys the $ 90,000 car “because it looks good” when all you can realistically afford to pay for each month is the payments on a $ 40,000 car)

You have to be the WIFE in this relationship NOW.  You need to tell him how it is going to be.  As he obviously seems to be missing out on the big picture that being married carries a whole NEW SET OF RESPONSIBILITIES… it is about TWO PEOPLE, and the choices and commitments they make to each other, and going thru life TOGETHER as ONE UNIT

And no one married will tell you that is ever easy… there are ALWAYS CHALLENGES AND BUMPS along the road.  Being able to learn how to deal is the primary successful indicator on what kind of marriage you’ll have.

Again, I wish you the best… lol MORE ((( HUGS )))

I hope this helps (even a little bit),

Post # 54
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@This Time Round:   +1,000  !!!!

Post # 55
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mayflowerbride13:  Sorry to hear you’re still so frustrated, just remember the ulimate outcome is you 2 will be married, and try to breath. Go take some time to yourself that has nothing to do with your wedding. Also buffets are typically more expensive then plated meals.

Post # 56
Member
4940 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
@axeyourmakeupkit:  This has gotten ridiculous. 

He’s acting like a spoiled brat on someone else’s dime.

I’m nearing the suggestion of planning this by yourself and letting him show up and enjoy what you’ve put together seeing as he cannot and will not compromise.

Btw-this would give me pause for committing my life to someone who cant compromise, cant discuss and can’t see the big picture, and storms out.

 

Post # 57
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sorry this is so frustrating!  The idea of each putting together a list of your must haves and then combining them is an excellent one.  There is going to have to be compromise from both parties.  Once you have your list, start figuring out how much costs (how much for an illusionist, photographer, flowers, your dresses, the open bar, plated dinner, buffet dinner) and do a trade study.  So if you want to have XYZ, you’ll have enough money for X# of guests for a plated dinner or # number for a buffet.  If you only do YZ, then you can invite more people.  Or figure out the cost difference between a house bar and top shelf or full open bar vs beer & wine only.  Guys tend to be more visual creatures, so maybe if he sees exactly where the money is going and what costs what he might be more willing to compromise (that is if you guys haven’t done this already).

Also, as a side note, please keep in mind your guests comfort.  I’m not saying you won’t, but just something to remember.  For example, as a guest, I’d be put off if you had a cash bar or served only heavy apps for a meal time reception but showed up in a second dress and had an illusionist.  On the other hand, I’m not going to miss a midnight buffet nor do I need cake AND a fancy dessert bar.

Good luck!

Post # 58
Member
3311 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@asscherlover:  Great reply- give him choices to pick while making the decisions for him. Cut the list and give him a choice on how it is cut.

Post # 59
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee

Your Fiance needs to get a second or third fulltime job obviously. He’s delusional to think that if you guys have a budget of $35K and the MAX you can spend is $40k, then where does he plan on getting the extra $30k? 

Either he needs to find that money or his parents do. And yes you can agree to cut certain things together…but you gotta cut that guest list. Even if you can get it down 25 – 50 people (though 150 would be an ideal list IMO). Any amount will help with the overall cost. Cut down on the amount of food, or the courses, switch to cheaper entrees, switch the bar to be just regular and not top shelf stuff. 

Here’s what Fiance and I did when it came to that awful guest list. 

My immediate family, aunts and uncles on mom’s side, aunts and uncles on dad’s side. 2 cousins that are involved directly in wedding, NO OTHER COUSINS. And yes we’re talking 1st cousins here. 

His side’s immediate family, a handful of aunts and uncles and 2 cousins. Smaller family than mine. 

Then we each had about 10 friends to throw in there and a few of our parent’s friends.

You have to compromise and you have to sacrifice certain things for the other person and the mutual good of the marriage/wedding. It’s just the way it has to be, especially when it comes to this.

Take his parents out of the equation, what is important to him in the wedding, who will he remember being at the wedding. He won’t even get a chance to see 250 people, the day goes by so fast. If his parents want to put on a show, they can pay for it, it’s soo simple it isn’t funny. But you have to put your foot down here. 

Post # 60
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Is he typically responsible with money, saving and planning for the future?  Is this only a wedding thing or something that you will be dealing with in the future?  Are you aware of any debt he currently carries (i.e. over spending on credit card) that would clue you in on his views of money?  It might to prudent to sit down with a finacial planner.  You could sell it to him that it is in order to prepare for the merging of your finaces and planning for the future.  Maybe this will start to bring him back to earth on this amount of spending on the wedding alone.

Post # 61
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee

You guys are getting married.  There is absolutely zero need for an “illusionist” and a midnight buffet.  Have your wedding followed by a modest cocktail hour and then dinner with open bar and dancing.  If your Future In-Laws and Fiance don’t like it, then compile a cost list of these extravagances and send it to them.

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