Regular bee going anon 🙁
My husband and I have been married going on 2 1/2 years and together going on 6. We are both now in our early 30s. However, I have known him since middle school. We lived 1,400 miles apart when we first started dating.
He was laid off and in December of 2008 he packed his stuff up and drove down straight through a 25 hour drive because he wanted to be there in time for Christmas. We married a few years later.
However, when he moved to the state, he was a handful. Depressed, severely moody. He drank a lot and threatened to leave me a million times. He would call me names, and he was just generally unhappy. But I held on desperately to the man I knew before. I could not, not, just NOT imagine my life without him. And generally 90% of the time he was an absolute angel to me. Still is to this day. But when he’s mean, he is MEAN. It’s unbearable.
The other thing is that I was the stable one in the relationship. I made good money. I had like no debt. He sometimes made $200 a week and had debt (he was previously laid off and racked up credit card debt going to school — he is in a very big, specialized field in our home state that has taking a lot of turns in the past 5 years, I am sure its easy to figure out). I paid our rent for the first year we lived together so he could get on his feet. All of our bills. He is a hard working, motivated person. Eventually he found really good employment, made good money and I crawled him out of debt and helped us save for our wedding. His moods stabilized. When we married, we were actually very happy. In 2011 we had several family health issues. We, together, made the painful decision to move home to aid our families.
From time to time, even after we were married, he would threaten to leave me. This left me emotionally vacant. It was so hard to be so attached to someone you love so dearly and have them threaten to walk out on you. I will admit, I am not as affectionate as him. I was when we first started dating, and I did a lot of little things for him. I tried in other ways to support him however I could. I furnished our apartment, I paid our bills, I cooked when I could, I supported whatever he wanted to do. I let him, at times, walk all over me. This lead to emotional famish on my part, and I started to detach from him. Sex was not as frequent. However, I did have problems because of the stress of 2011 which caused me to have my period several times a month (sorry TMI).
Last year, we moved home. I left my high powered job and my life as I essentially knew it behind. I thought he would be happier closer to home (he frequently complained how much he hated the state I lived in). All the friends I had made in the past years were now 1,400 miles away (I am not close with like 95% of my family). I struggled to find a job and sat home for quite awhile. I worked since I was 16, so that was VERY hard on me. I just was not myself… I was really hoping I would adapt. Today, a year later, I am still struggling. In May I was accepted to my graduate program. It is a #2 program in the field. Huge school — just really a blessing.
My egg donor of a mother who I have seen 2x in 11 years got in contact. She is a drug addict. Pills, coke, alcohol. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. I still have not seen her. I really don’t care about her at all (and I can’t even get into it right now). Unfortunately she test positive for both BRCA1 & 2. Which, let me just translate: if I test positive for either one, it is recommended that I have a ovary removal and mastectomy by the age of 35. She notified me of this via text. I had to get my first breast exam at the age of 30. This sent me in a downward spiral. I am still too scared to get tested for the BRCA gene. I was devastated. Not myself. Crying all the time, totally detached from everyone, including my husband. I was put on Prozac which holy hell fucked me UP. I just… can’t even explain it. I started drinking to excess which made it even worse, just so, so bad. My husband found a great paying job and it is a highly publicized company (he was on the front page of the news in January…) and for the first time the tables had really turned. I made less than I did in my old job but still provided our health insurance. Anyways, the company + my depression made for a bad mix. It’s going to make the story more complicated, but given my work history, I can assure you I would never quit somewhere without really needing to. There was an ethics issue, and I am in an ethical filed. It was my husband who convinced me to quit. He said fuck it, go to school full time, you have other income, you don’t need to work right now. And so a couple months ago, I did just that.
I am still not myself. I am detached and withdrawn and generally not the person I used to be. Everyone who knows me knows that. He frequently complained. But I just begged and begged him to listen to me — I am depressed. I don’t want to have sex (I have gained probably 30 lbs) and I am becoming increasingly quiet and withdrawn. I barely talk to anyone, it’s not just him. Anyways, a couple times he threatened to leave. And so the last time I was like what you are doing is emotional ABUSE. If you are going to leave, just fucking do it. Do not drag me through the mud.
And 2 days ago, he did just that.
2 days ago I asked him to come hang out with my friends (we are with his family literally 24/7, oh and last time I was out with my friends which was New Years, he threw a fit in front of them, embarrassing me, I don’t know what it is about NYE). He said he would come. 45 minutes later he just text that he can’t make it. And I was pissed. WTF. I can spend all this time and money with your family, but you can’t come out with my friend ONE TIME? And we weren’t even out! We were at her HOUSE. He just stopped answering me.
I spent the night at my friends on the couch. Little did I know he took one of our dogs and went to his moms. When I got home this morning I had an appt at the vet for both our critters. We each came into the relationship with one, and he left my dog at home. Probably didn’t even feed her. I feel sick just thinking about it. I text his step dad asking if he had our other dog he said he did, but did not mention my H was there (I figured he went to work). I show up and my H is there. Wow.
I take the dogs to the vet, and his dog is very sick. I do everything for this dog, he hasn’t even been to the vet with us in a year. This dog has turned into my little baby. Everyone knows it. Now he is 9, and so he is not the same. When I got home from the appt, he had all his shit packed up. I locked myself in a room with the dog because I knew he would try to take him. And I honestly don’t trust him to care for him like the dog needs (eye drops, ear drops, glucose, ear cleaning, etc) and he stood outside the door and just told me I treat him like shit and he can’t take it anymore. He was liek you know I love you, just all this crazy shit. But I was shaking with anger, so I stayed mostly quiet. How do you abandon your wife who depends on you, who has supported you for years 2 months after she quits her job.
I have nothing. I am no longer in a position of power like I used to be. He had the nerve to call me selfish. His actual words were “if you had not been so selfish, maybe this wouldn’t be happening to you.”
He does do a lot of little things for me. And now provides for me financially. He tells me I am beautiful every single day. He buys me stuff for no reason. I do not return a lot of his advances. Long story short, I don’t want to get divorced. I am not sure what to do at this point… he thinks I’m just this horrible person & I am not. I am really alone here and miserable 🙁
We haven’t been together in the same house in 2 days. We have not talked at all. I haven’t eaten, and I cannot think straight. I really have no idea what to do. I am literally in shock that he abandoned me… He has this history of not being able to manage his emotions — and I am on the other spectrum where I hardly ever show them. But I cannot believe this would be enough for either of us to walk away.
I know I should just talk to him, but I feel like he hates me… and I am not sure how the conversation will turn out. I mean he totally walked away from everything and left me. He even took his cologne and a pic of his family that was right next to one of our wedding pictures. He even left all the cards I had given him in his nightstand.