Devastated Bee

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I a bad daughter for saying no.
    Yes : (17 votes)
    7 %
    No : (220 votes)
    91 %
    Other: I will explain : (6 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    171 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2016 - Bell Tower on 34th

    chiefbee :  I feel you on this one.  My mother is very down and out and has terrible credit.  She also has a record of being unable to pay and then subsequently collected on.  We had a joint account when I was a teen and she drew it negative and they chased after me for the balance so I unfortunately had to pay it and closed the account.  I was furious that my name was associated with her negative balace.  She has asked me to guarantor for her in the past on an apartment lease and I just had to say no.  🙁

    Hopefully your parents come around and understand why you said no but I am sure they are just in a tough place and are angry.  I would just recommend you stand your ground… It was hard for me to but now she doesn’t ask for much anymore (except for the rare occasion that she asks for money to which i respond no, get a job).  Different situation, yes, but a trend of non-payment is still a trend. I would just protect yourself and your marriage and just support your parents in other ways.

    Good luck!

    Post # 3
    Member
    7824 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    No, you are not a bad daughter. They are responsible for their finances. And I say this as someone who had to file for bankruptcy after my own divorce. They should not be guilting you. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1607 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Short answer, no. But if it’s a new rental lease that they are asking you to co-sign, what is the actual maximum risk to you? I would look at it from a risk point of view. If it’s one months rent then I would probably do it. If it’s much more than that or way more than your income, then I wouldn’t. Can they find a cheaper place that won’t require a consigner? Is this literally the only way they can obtain housing? I would take those questions into consideration. 

    Fyi, I’m Christian and don’t agree with their response. The bible also tells us to be good stewards of our money. Were they good stewards? They are bankrupt now so that is questionable (I know bad things can happen so that’s not an automatic answer). Would putting your own future at risk be a good steward? 

    Post # 5
    Member
    4857 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Absolutely not. They are bad parebts for putting their burdens on you and using their relationship with you as leverage to try and get what they want. This is emotional terrorism and they should be ashamed. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    Honestly – you are about to get married.  What does your Fiance think?  You will be sharing financial responsibility for each other, now, and if your parents have a history of being a liability, you’d be potentially dragging him down with you.  

    My own mother is bi-polar and so toxic we cannot even be in contact with her because she likes to put me on all sorts of shady credit deals, and may even try to use my identity if we talk.  For some reason she relents if we do not.  When it just affected me, I took as my responsibility to be there for my mother… but then she started to use H’s mother’s information, too, without permission, and that told me it was time to call it quits.  

    You are going to no longer be your own entity as far as these decisions, and your future H may also want to weigh in on if he wants to have your future as a couple jeopardised by his soon to be in-laws finances.

    There may be other ways to help them, other than co-signing, that won’t hurt your future.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1025 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    You are not a bad daughter at all, I never mix money with family; it never ends well. ever! they should have never even put you in the situation where you had to tell them no. Does the bible say “when you mess up financially your children should bail you out?” no..you’re doing the right thing..dont worry

    Post # 8
    Member
    2923 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    No, they are bad parents to even ask you. The fact that they cut off contact with you because you said no,  confirms it. You have your own and fiances future to consider. Your parents behavior toward you is shitty- no doubt this is one of a long string of shitty things about them! Maybe seek counsel and solice at church. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    6240 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    No no no no no no no.

    You are not a bad daughter. You are making a wise decision for your future.

    It’s hard and it’s upsetting but you cannot take responsibility for your parents’ financial situation. They need a co-signor because the “bank” has basically said “We don’t feel comfortable that YOU will pay us so we’ll give you this as long as you give us someone who will.”

    It’s a scary and infuriating thing to find yourself in the position your parents are in. I know. I’ve been there. And as much as I was pissed off about it, having to face my situation and how my choices contributed to my circumstances was really beneficial for me. Your parents might not have that experience but if their bankruptcy was a result of living beyond their means, you can be sure they’re not going to change their habits if you step in.

    Better to say no and stick with it than put all of you in that position.

    Post # 10
    Member
    61 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I dont think you are a bad daughter but i completely disagree with everyone saying your parents are bad people for asking you. Did they not raise you? Feed you? Clothe you? They are human too and they need support just like any other person struggling. I think its a decision you have to make with your fiancé. If it is at all possible for you guys to help TOGETHER then i say you should do it. They arent in the right for turning their backs on you but i think they are going through a hard time and upset. If tou have siblinga maybe you can all chip in ans help? The bible does say to honor your father and mother, i think this is a perfect oppotunity to do that.

    Post # 11
    Member
    4823 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    chiefbee :  Do not co-sign and DO NOT feel guilty.  That is emotional blackmail.

    The fact that your parents lost their home to bankruptcy shows they were probably in financial trouble for some time.   That is their doing, and it is up to them to dig themselves out of the hole they made.  

    Putting you in a position to be liable for their financial irresponsibility is NOT being a good steward of money.   If you and your Fiance choose to help them, there are other ways which do not put your finances in jeopardy.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    2429 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: NJ

    Here is how it is: if they sign a years lease for a place, you better have the money in the bank to pay off the entire remaining balance on the lease if they can’t pay. That is the only way you can keep them/yourself out of court if they stop paying the rent. Or if they can’t pay anymore you just pay the rent for them til the lease is up, then they have to move.

    Otherwise if you don’t have the money either, you become part of their financial problems and your credit goes down the toilet like theirs has. That would be terrible for you, just starting out perhaps someday having your own family and kids. 

    No I feel you had better not cosign. It is a cheap move for them to bring the Bible into it. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    10876 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    chiefbee :  

    Don’t do it, don’t do it!  If they have an actual lease, rather than a month to month rental agreement, you could end up on the hook for the entire value of the lease.  That could be thousands.

    The landlord has a duty to mitigate his/her/it’s own damages, i.e. make a reasonable effort to get it re rented.  Your liability would end when a qualified tenant is ready, willing and able to rent the place.

    Beyond that, you aren’t helping them in the long run, just encouraging an unhealthy, codependent relationship with you.  Your priorities are different now.  You and your husband have formed a new family unit.  That is a precious thing.  Take good care of it.

    Post # 15
    Member
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    You know what’s in the Bible? “Leave and cleave.” It’s sad that they are trying to manipulate the Bible’s teachings for their own selfish purposes and I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this. You are definitely not doing anything wrong by saying no and standing up for yourself and your future!

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