(Closed) Devastated!! Calling off wedding, Need support and advice what to do. LONG POST!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
722 posts
Busy bee

This is pretty much textbook manipulating on his part. Get your shit, block his number, throw away every photo and souvenir, and move the hell on. 

Post # 3
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Don’t be guilt tripped into letting someone mistreat you, as tough as his life has been its his responsibility to deal with his issues and not treat you like a punching bag. 

I can’t speak to the texts, but they sound ridiculous and even if they are legit, they bother YOU. the woman he allegedly loves. Yet he turned it around on you.

it sounds like you made the best decision for yourself, to leave. He is not ready to be in a grown up relationship. You deserve better! Hang in there, this is the tough part, but you will be so glad you stood up for yourself when you look back on this. 

Post # 4
Member
4318 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honey, if you feel like a failure now imagine how much worse you would feel if, despite all these red flags you married this guy. His behaviour isn’t going to stop. He got caught, lost you, and that didn’t stop him. What is going to stop him now?

When he tries to guilt you, guilt him right back. HE walked out on your relaitonship when he started inappropriately texting ADDITIONAL women. HE gave up on you when he stepped outside your relationship NUMEROUS times. This is on him. You just finally smartened up.

I truely believe people can change,  but he hasn’t, and isn’t going to. You gave him a second chance, which is so much more than most people would give, and he blew it. Don’t sit back and let him blow a third, fourth and fifth chance.

Cut your losses and get out. The only thing harder than starting over at 32 is starting over at 35, or 40, or 45….

Post # 5
Member
40 posts
Newbee

You did the right thing. He’s not your problem anymore. Who wants to live their life that way?  Good on you for taking control. Best wishes!

Post # 6
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
devastatedbee:  Hate to say it but you should probably get out. If it happened before and he swore it wouldn’t happen again and it has, there will be no end. If he hasn’t cheated phsyically yet, it’s only a matter of time until he gets too bored with just the emotional affairs and moves on to the real thing.

Calling off a wedding is the hardest thing. I did it and I lost a good chunk of money but in the end I just couldn’t even put a price tag on my future, and my happiness. You have to make hard decisions and for a while it will be awful, but then it gets better and you learn from those mistakes.

This is the thought I encourage you to look really hard at, “if this were what I had to go through for the rest of my life and if things got 10x worse, would I be able to handle it?” If the answer is no then you need to leave asap. That’s what I did. I thought if I had to deal with the lack of trust and lies all my life and if it got 10x worse would I be ok with that? Hell no I wouldn’t. I didn’t even like the way things were then. There’s no way I wanted that for the rest of my life. Things will continue this way if you stay with him and I’m pretty certain they’d get worse. Do yourself a favor and leave and don’t risk your future on this.

Post # 7
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m so sorry, Bee. It sounds as if you are making the right decision. It takes a great deal of courage to end a relationship at this point, and as much as you feel humiliated it would be a lot more difficult on so many levels to marry and then divorce.

You don’t need single friends to help you through this, true friends will support you no matter what their relationship status is. You are lucky to have your parents available while you figure out your next steps.

Your job search may be easier if you no longer have to confine yourself to your immediate geographic area–this could be an opportunity to spread your wings and go back to school or explore a new city. 

You can do this, one day, one step at a time. You have an exciting new life ahead of you. Hugs.

Post # 8
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

The lying alone would be enough to drive me away for good. I very briefly dated a guy who was like your ex-FI. He made up these lies about things I said or did and he actually believed them. None of them EVER hapenned but he truly believed that they did! I could never wrap my head around how he could make up such bullshit and convince himself that it was the truth. You did the absolutely right thing in leaving. Don’t waste any more of your time on him. 

Post # 10
Member
40 posts
Newbee

View original reply
devastatedbee:  have someone like a sister or your mom help with the cancellations and also with getting the word out. 

Post # 11
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

*hugs* I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but even though it might not seem like it now, it’s so much better to get out now than to wait until after the wedding and have a messy divorce. Maya Angelou said “When people show you who they are, believe them.” I think you know that in the long run he will not make you happy and the fact that he continues to manipulate you is proof of that. I went through an ugly divorce at 30 and lost everything. I am STILL dealing with the financial aftermath of it, but I know that I am so much better off without him. And you will be, too! It might take a little while but there will be a day when it doesn’t hurt so much and you find joy and a new plan for your life. I know it’s tough, though and I’m sorry. 

And you definitely shouldn’t be embarrassed! Things happen and your friends and family want the best for you – even if it means calling off the wedding. Hang in there!

Post # 13
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

I’m proud of you for moving on and facing your fears. I think you know you will be ok starting over. Think of the alternative. 

Post # 14
Member
6296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Stay strong. He’s gaslighting you to try to make you feel like everything is your fault, and further manipulating you.

Get out of there and don’t look back.

Things will come together.  Stay positive and focus on YOU and YOUR happiness!

Post # 15
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Ok him using his father and friends death to manipulate you is just disgusting!! You deserve better than this jerk. Don’t let him play on your emotions like that. You did the right thing by leaving. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs!

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