(Closed) Devastated!! Calling off wedding, Need support and advice what to do. LONG POST!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sometimes your gut may be wrong, but in your case I think you’re right. Especially since he has done something like this before. Calling someone babe is NEVER okay unless they are your SO. In my opinion I think you need to completely cut ties with him. It sounds like you have been nothing but hurt when you two are together. You don’t deserve a life like that. You deserve someone who won’t talk to other women in an inappropriate manner. Someone who, if you asked, would stop talking to that women because you weren’t comfortable with it. Once you are completely out of that situation you will see how much happier you are without him. Keep your head up, you’ll get through it 🙂

Post # 17
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Without trust there is no love. As bad as this is now, it would be worse to go through a divorce. I’m sorry bee, this must be difficult. Hugs!

Post # 18
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

I have been there with a previous SO. Every single time I caught him it was always “my fault” for snooping and never his fault for sneaking around with other girls and hiding it. They were always “just a friend”, “just my ex”, “just this girl I met online”, “just an old classmate”, and it was always “just reconnecting”, “just one night” “just one call”, “just thought about kissing her once”, ETC ETC ETC. 

People like this will never change. They are addicted to the attention they get during the first few weeks/months of a relationship or friendship, and longterm monogamy will always bore them in the end. No matter how much you want them to be only yours forever, they simply are not capable of not falling for other people and hiding it and keeping secrets so they can maintain the lifestyle that YOU provide for them.

When I broke it off with my ex, he literally told me that he was nice to me towards the end was so he could have a place to stay while he hooked up with other people and was leading me on so he could save up money for a car (he didn’t drive and was a deadbeat, but that’s another story) and move in with the other chick.

Good riddance!

I know you will be better off because NO ONE deserves to be treated like you have been, and even living with your parents is better than living with a cheater!

Post # 19
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow he is a master manipulator.  I  felt like I was reading about an ex while reading your post.  I once dated a guy who started coming up with crazy stories when I started asking questions because I felt like something wasn’t right.  His stories were of course all made up.  I wish I would have trusted my gut and avoided the drama and saved myself the extra time I wasted on him.  It will be a lot easier on you to cancel your wedding and leave him than to continue on like this, marry him and be unhappy until you divorce him.  You deserve so much better than him!

Post # 20
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

It’s so obvious to anyone outside the situation that he is a lier and a cheat and he won’t change and you will never be truly happy or be able to trust him.  Never.  Don’t waste any more time on him, don’t look back.  The only thing you will regret is how long it took you to realize this and leave.  

I hope this doesn’t come across harshly, it’s just the truth and that’s sometimes hard to hear.  His past and problems are not an excuse for his bad behavior and it’s not your job to try and save him.  I loved my ex-husband very much but I love myself more, so I left.  

Good luck and I really hope you don’t go back to him!!  You did the right thing!!  

Post # 21
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

 

View original reply
ElephantAndTheFlea:  My ex said the same thing about every girl I ever caught him talking to. You’re right, it’s always our fault for snooping. HA! Men, or should I say boys, like that will never be worth anything to anyone. I always got told that he would never cheat on me, he just enjoyed flirting because of his low self esteem. RIGHT, he never truly got to cheat because I always caught him before it could happen. So glad to be done with that.

Post # 23
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t know about canceling a wedding but as for moving forward- that’s a rough road. Everyone works different so take this as you will. Make a list of everything that went wrong, the reasons you will not go back and have it somewhere easily accessable, on the door or mirror. It is easy to remember the good and forget the bad when times are tough. Remind yourself why it is it over. It’s good you have family to support you. When you have the means see a counselor. There ar numbers you can call until then. Hopefully you can find a job quickly. Until then, and after, find something to keep you occupied. Sitting around dwelling could put more focus on a bad situation. I’m sorry boo! It is not pleasant but it is for the best in the long run

Post # 24
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Girl, you are smart to get out now. The lies, the crazy stories…and then trying to make you feel bad for “quitting on him.” And honestly, it’s insulting to think that anyone would believe those insane stories. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone you can’t trust. Poof, be gone “Bob!” 

No advice on how to go about canceling a wedding, but I have been through a divorce. My best tips are to keep yourself busy, do nice things for yourself (pedicure, buy yourself a treat every now and then, etc.), surround yourself with friends. It’s hard, but in your case, it’s better to do this now than down the road. You totally did the right thing. 

Post # 25
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Hey Bee~

I am so, so sorry you got involved with this emotionally abusive person. It’s not your fault, though. Often men like this seem amazing at first. It’s false advertising, though, The fact that you bought it and want to believe him tells me that you are a good person, because we usually project onto others who we are (e.g. Him accusing you of being a disrespectful cheater because he is a disrespectful cheater). The fact that you are moving on is a sign of strength and self-respect, not of failure. there’s no such thing as a failed relationship, in my opinion. There are just good experiences and bad experiences that you can learn from when the next person comes along. I’m sure you will be wary of people who resemble your ex in the future and choose someone who is more compatible with you next time. 

In the meantime, and I know this is hard, but don’t talk to him ever again. Nice, trusting people like you and me can be easily manipulated, so don’t give him the opportunity to trick you into thinking he’s sorry and will change for you.

Post # 27
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Start calling the venues and vendors first. That should start the ball rolling. Don’t tell any of your guests the wedding is cancelled until the initial shock has worn off. I am so sorry this whole, awful situation has happened to you…..just remember…..it is NOT your fault in any way, shape or form, no matter how he spins it with his warped logic. He blew it by means of his behavior. Don’t let him sucker you into giving him another chance, because he does not deserve it.

Post # 28
Member
4362 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
devastatedbee:  You need to read up on what “gaslighting” means. Because what he is doing is really the textbook definition of that.

Post # 29
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

My view on this kind of thing is that I would rather call off 10 weddings than marry 1 wrong guy. Things will get better 🙂 Take care

Post # 30
Member
722 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
devastatedbee:  I would absolutely put this in the category of abuse. Also, if you stay and allow this to keep happening, you are enabling him to allow the the abuse to continue. In five years, you’re going to look back on this and breathe a huge sigh of relief because you dodged that bullet. 

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