(Closed) Devastated!! Calling off wedding, Need support and advice what to do. LONG POST!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, this is emotional abuse! He’s a textbook manipulator and abuser, someone who will never change. My ex was like this (hence why he’s my EX). I would find him on dating sites and when I confronted him, he’d deny it, then go and delete his profile and flip the situation on me: i.e. “You don’t trust me” “you are probably the one cheating” “you are imagining things” etc. GET OUT NOW! Don’t feel guilty! Don’t be embarrassed about canceling a wedding! This is the best decision you could’ve made! Have your mom or a trusted friend take care of all the canceling logistics and with telling people you broke it off. Good luck!

Post # 50
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
devastatedbee:  I know what you mean. My ex-husband was a GREAT guy – if you weren’t married to him. Women would constantly tell me how lucky I was and what a catch he was. I think eventually he forgot that I was a catch, too! You never know what’s happening behind closed doors. Definitely taught me not to judge other people’s relationships!

Post # 51
Member
4375 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Don’t waste another second of your life with this loser. YOURE the one who is the catch! YOURE the one who deserves better! Do not allow him to keep mistreating you, there is a better man out there for you and you will find him, mark my words. You don’t need this bullshit. 32 is a quarter of your life, in due time you will NEVER REGRET leaving him, I promise!!!

Post # 52
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not sure if this has already been mentioned, but he is a 100% pure narcissist.  “Men” like that ruined me. Rules that normally apply to you and everybody else in the world, do not apply to these types of people.  They “are above it”.  According to themselves.  They are master manipulators, and when they get caught IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT.  They typically tend to have addiction/psychological/emotional issues, and will point to anything from their past to excuse it.  It was so believable and excusable from him for so long due to the accident.  

Get as far away from this person as you can.  Be so very thankful you didn’t marry him.  He would’ve left you with nothing…because “he deserves it all” in his mind.  If you’re not benefitting him in some way, he has no use for you and will discard you like yesterday’s newspaper without a second thought.  If you have even the slightest to offer him, he will keep you around….but the less you have to offer him (in his mind) the easier it is for him to justify his shitty behavior…and the less he will take you into account in any decision he makes.  Narcissists can literally wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and if he feels you’ve wronged him the night before, he will do whatever he wants to make himself feel better….because you don’t matter…”me” is all he is worried about pleasing.  Any and everything he does to please you is not actually meant for you…it’s an indirect way of pleasing himself somehow.  I’m sure you can look back in the relationship and all the times he seemingly went out of his way to make you happy….but rethink it from that perspective….he was getting something out of it somehow….companionship, financial/emotional support, or even something as simple as having someone there to build his esteem & believe his lies.  He kept you around for a reason,  but as time went on, and his extreme level of selfishness started to shine through, it became harder and harder to cover.  

I am so sorry you’re having to go through this.  These are not minor red flags.  These are full blown atomic bombs being dropped on your soul.   I know this because I’m bad to attract narcissists…and I used to believe everything someone told me.  They preyed on my compassionate, caring, “wanting to help you” nature.  Now, I’m to the point where everyone is a narcissist until they prove to me otherwise.  It’s really damaging.  You become warped! It’s like they make you feel like everything bad that ever happened in the relationship was because of you…and when you finally do walk away from it you’re still doubting yourself! According to them you are heavily flawed in character, and *they* are the ones saving you. They are so manipulative and believable that you’re convinced their behavior is not all that bad and you’re the one overreacting.  So you get to where you question yourself and everything you’ve ever known about relationships.  They have the innate ability to convince you the sky is green, despite looking right up at it! I like to use the motto (with everybody I meet) “believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see”…but that doesn’t even begin to apply to narcissists…especially if you’ve never dealt with one…they can literally have you believing the opposite of what’s standing right infront of you.  And when you call them out on the lies, it’s somehow your fault and you become the bad guy.  

Seriously, run.  Don’t feel bad or second guess yourself for a second.  You are doing the right thing.  The bad thing is, where you called him out, he will turn on you.  He can’t just accept responsibility and move on with his head hung low.  He will bad mouth you.  He will become vindictive in a sense.  Then once the dust has settled, he will try to reconnect if you still possess whatever it is that benefits him.

As for cancelling, I don’t really have any good advice other than cover yourself.  If it’s something that will require him to be present along with you, bite the bullet and have him there as well.  You don’t want him coming up in the future trying to seek “revenge” in some way.  But don’t let him string you along with cancellations either.  He will more than likely try to drag it out in hopes of smoothing this over as time passes.  And be prepared for a final “hurrah” from him–his last resort desperate attempt to win you back and put things back to the way they were.  Don’t fall for it because it will never change.  They tend to push the envelope with each incident they create…and instead of learning from their own mistake (like most normal people) they use it as a way to gauge boundaries within the relationship.  And each time, the push those boundaries further and further.  

Don’t second guess yourself.  You know yourself better than anyone else, no matter what he tries to tell you.  You are not blowing this out of proportion, and this is not something you’ve created in your head.  I know several women in relationships and/or married to narcissists, and they are always having these dramatic flare ups where one minute they’re fighting, and the next minute it’s fine and she bows down with her head hung low, convinced she’s crazy.  They will break you down to build you into a low self esteem shell of your former self that tolerates their behavior.  And it is not ok.  Most sane, self respecting women can only deal with it for so long. 

I think what really hurts for you is the thought of your relationship’s dissolution….not actually losing him.  If this helps, think of all of the good times and good things, and think about how wonderful it would be coming from a man that doesn’t have to lie and cover his ass.  Think of the wonderful, emotionally mature, stable man that’s out there waiting to meet you, ready to share a lifetime of happy memories with you, that will appreciate you for everything you are, everywhere you’ve been, and everywhere you’re going.  You don’t need this fool dragging you down.  

If anything, they can be a lot of fun, and they can bring on a world of hurt, but we can’t walk away having learned nothing from the narcissists of the world.  (God forbid) if you ever come across another, youll see the signs before you’re heavily involved, so you’ll never have to worry about marrying one.  You dodged a bullet bee!

Post # 55
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Devastatedbee, 

He sounds like my friend’s ex husband. He was just a low down, pathological liar and had everyone fooled. Please leave him, please! Don’t let him say anything to weasel himself back into your life. My friend married her ex in spite of the signs. She was miserable and I had to listen to her cry all of the time. When she finally separated from him after about 3 years, I was so relieved. Then after about six months, she decided to go back to him. I was dumbfounded. The lying, cheating, missing money, and everything only amplified. She was afraid to leave because she thought she couldn’t make it on her own. (They have a son together). I told her newsflash, you can absolutely make it on your own. In fact, you’re doing it now. He does nothing but steal from you, verbally abuse you, and bring you down. It took many months of convincing her after that, but she finally left him. When she did that, she was able to buy a new gorgeous home for her and their child and now several years down the road she has a wonderful man who treats her like a queen. They are currently engaged to be married. It is great that you haven’t married him yet and that you have no children. Fix this while you can. It’s better before you’re married than after. My friend spent over $30,000 for their wedding and just went into financial ruin from his stealing from their joint account and not paying bills. Your parents can try to sell your venue date. You can sell other stuff if you have to. You will recover. I know it can be done. I have seen it. God bless you and I pray that all works out for you.

Post # 56
Member
3214 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
devastatedbee:  “He’s already told me “good luck finding someone else better than me.” So I am already having the fears of being a 32 year old woman and never finding anyone ever again”

This is textbook emotional abuse – trying to make their partner feel they have no better options. I’m so sorry he’s trying to manipulate you this way. Don’t believe it for a single second.

A) There are MANY, many women who find wonderful men after 32!

B) Even if you didn’t, being single and valuing yourself is a better option than being with someone who treats you this way. If you can hold onto that (though I know it’s hard when you’re hurting so much), his dire warnings lose their power.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by mightywombat.
Post # 59
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

@devastatedbee: I surrounded myself with friends and family who love me. When i kicked him out of my house, I immediately went to my parents and asked them to supervise him getting his stuff, so that I would have witnesses if anything went wrong or he took anything of mine. You have to protect yourself and your assets! Even if they’ve never been violent before, breakups and emotions do strange things to people. They can either get their things and leave quietly with witnesses present or it can go in the garbage, their choice.

 

Again, surround yourself with people who really do love you! I went out with friends every night for weeks, even if it was just sitting and talking through my feelings, you have to get it all out. Talking over the whole thing will make you realize things you didn’t see before, just like typing it out here did. Once he was gone I realized I had let my fun self go from walking on eggshells so long and within the next few months I felt so alive because I didn’t have that worry anymore.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you’re successful in getting your things separated and the wedding stuff canceled with the least amount of hassle!

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