(Closed) Devastated!! Calling off wedding, Need support and advice what to do. LONG POST!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee

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nattybeee:  good advice girl

 

all the bees here are giving you good advice.

i know you are confused but you NEED to cancel this wedding. Maybe think of it this way. You are still very far out from the wedding. Have you looked at your contracts? You may not lose as much as you think. When I canceled my wedding 7 years ago( best decision ever) I only lost about $2000 As I was still 6 months out from the day. How your living is no way to live. You need to put the brakes on here and take back your power. If things change you can always plan a wedding again or just elope. Whatever date you picked is not your one and only chance in life to get married. It might be this guy or it might not be. But I dont think it’s sapposta be this hard! I have plenty of very happily married friends….and not one of them has ever had to look through their husbands phone records. They never had a reason to. 

You can do better.

Post # 62
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

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devastatedbee: I think you need to go on a vacation, and not 2 weeks at a beach to mope around… You are laid off, living at your parents house, and need some sole searching. I think a long drown out sightseeing trip may be needed for you. It does not have to be somewhere expensive like New York. Maybe 1 month tour across Greece, Macedonia, Croatia, Italy… Hit up all the Art Galleries,  cafe’s, see how other live in other Countries. Leave you phone at home, pick up a potable phone in Greece or something. The first week will be hard, heart heavy, but don’t give up continue your trip see the colusuims learn the culture. Turn your interest somewhere else for one month. In the mean time your parents can tell your guest and no one will be able to reach you and ask silly questions. And he will not be able to talk you back into something that you have decided against. It seems to me you know what needs to be done but you are affraid of being sucked back in. After 1 month of seeing other parts of the world your mind will widen with new experiances, and a new way of life. You can then come home and soul search what you want in life. Search for work, and start your new life with or with out him, with a new experiances and a new outlook on life. 

Right now you have nothing to loose, the time off, and no rent to pay, and something to run from. I know they say you should not run from your problems, but taking a break is perfectly fine 🙂

Maybe travel is not the best advice, but sometimes you just need the push to do something a little of tilt. 🙂  

Only you really know if this is good for you. If it feels right it’s right, I am glad to see you have made a decision that you feel is right for “you” and not for him. You will do well follow your gut!

Post # 64
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Beautiful place.

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devastatedbee:  I’m so so so so sorry for you, let me give you a big long hug!!!! 

I’ve cancelled my first wedding back in 2010, he cheated I found out (just out of that gut feeling), in my case, I lost most of the money, but I was so relief that I cancelled that I didn’t mind at all.. 

The main thing is to be surrounded by the people you love and loves you more, you will need them for the first few weeks.. 

It gets easy, I swear! 

cry out loud, be sad, scream if you have to, feel your pain, be depressed, be angry, go through the emotions you have to go through and when yoi come back to being yourself you will be better, stronger and the life that you want and that you deserve will be there waiting for you, don’t be afraid. It’s ok. 

I promise you, you are going to be ok and happy, take it from me, I’ve been trough hell on earth, but I got my happy ending, it’s not perfect but it’s mine. 

Be sad and rise above, life wants you!!! 

 

Post # 66
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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devastatedbee:  oh bee ::hugs:: so sorry you are going through this but you KNOW this is the right thing. For your sanity you need to leave him. He showed you who he was years ago and all of the fixes like his promises, reassurances, stories and counseling are just bandaids on a bullet hole. The fixes are temporary at best. His stories and lies will just get more elaborate and with every year that passes you will just be more “stuck”. Nevermind what you are doing to him, think about what you continue to do to yourself by staying. Hes not worth another breath or tear.

Run and never look back. Dont give him the chance to lie, guilt trip and manipulate you for one more second!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by MissJulianna.
Post # 68
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

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devastatedbee:  

everyone always tells my Fiance that he is this amazing person, survivor, hero, gentleman and all around most amazing guy ever. And then he reminds me that everything thinks these things and why don’t I?

A lot of abusive people are really good at “playing” people, presenting an image to the world that is not at all like the person they are behind closed doors. My Mother-In-Law married a man like this – he seemed almost unreal in the perfection department. Handsome, charismatic, funny, rich, romantic, etc. He was also an alcoholic who treated her horribly… we were all shocked and wish she had spoken up sooner (though it is very scary to do that so we understood why she put up with him for so long).

Post # 69
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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devastatedbee:  you have a textbook sociopath on your hands. I sufferred through four years of hell and worst marriage ever with mine. He did the same things as your ex and it never got better. I could write a book on the outlandish excuses he would come up with and all the gasligating that made me start questioning my own memories and sanity. This guy is doing the same to you! I learned a lot from a few books on sociopaths I was told to read. A lot of them are criminals but there are even more that aren’t. They play up their victim cards and some actually have had some legit trauma in their lives but quite a few embellish things too and know how to always make you out to be the one who is wrong while they remain the forever victim. And people believe them and turn on you.  It’s insane. I could go on and on. Please if you do nothing else please check out www.  lovefraud  .Com no spaces. I think you will find it educatonal and enlightening. parden grammar and punctuation. I have the worst time typing on this site on my phone. :/ best of luck to you. 

Post # 70
Member
13 posts
Newbee

The good news is, now you know what true love isn’t. It astounds me to see how he gets off on playing such mind games by taking really cheap shots at you, for no reason whatsoever. In spite of all of this happening in such a short period of time, you are already making progress!☺ I realise this situation is far from funny, but he would be the perfect recipient for this someecard.: 

Post # 71
Member
1903 posts
Buzzing bee

Your post has made me feel so anxious.. I can’t imagine living like this for a day, let alone possibly for the rest of my life.

You deserve better than this. You know you do.

Post # 72
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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devastatedbee:  yes, I left my ex (husband) after just 27 days of marriage. I filed for annulment and left his country immediately. 

It was hard at first. I was so embarrassed that when I came back to my country, I didn’t even go back to my city. I went to a new city to hide out and lick my wounds. I was an emotional wreck for the first few weeks. I became very sick (physically) and I couldn’t eat. It was a rough time. 

but once I got out of his country, and around people I knew, I started feeling better every day. 

A month and a half after arriving in new City, I met my now fiancé. 

Post # 74
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

That is definitely emotional abuse. My dad was the same way, using bad things in his past to guilt me into coming back. Sadly, the only thing that worked for me was completely cutting him out. I have slowly begun to let him back in my life, but I don’t think that’s a good idea wit’s a friend/partner. Don’t let him invalidate your feelings, that’s the way people like that work. It’s ridiculously hard to see for a long time because they’re so good at manipulation. But the only way to get out is to put yourself first, even though it sounds selfish (at least that’s how I felt for awhile). For family you might try to work it out someday, but for a friend/partner I dont think I could ever trust them again. I’m sorry, I know it’s so confusing when you’re in the middle of it especially with them trying to contact you the whole time, but you did the right thing. 

Post # 75
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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devastatedbee:  You’re not crazy, you’re feelings are justified and you’re 100% doing the right things cancelling the wedding! Better to cancel a wedding than to be arrived to someone likehimandhave Togo through a divorce, where o doubt all these,e shady, shitty behaviour will happen and he’ll try to manipulate you the same way. 

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