(Closed) Devastated… Didn't know man I married was impotent!!

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 61
Member
5476 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

Hes def gay. 

Post # 62
Member
5476 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

doberman:  I feel the same way. 

Post # 63
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

sept22insf:  I don’t think she was linking those two things, she was saying he’s not gay, and also that he’s super fit which makes this all the more frutrating.

MarmotaLinda:  The odds of this happening are ridiculously slim, and it’s generally pretty obvious even for couple celibate till marriage if both parties are physically into each other even without sex. It’s a pretty big stretch to be telling people to rethink their religious stances on sex because their husband could be impotent. 

Post # 64
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Btw when someone is attracted to you then weight is rarely an issue unless you’re totally obese or severly anorexic. I’ve gained 20lbs during this pregnancy and my husband and I had sex yesterday.. because he still thinks I’m beautiful. My husband also gained about 20lbs when he stopped smoking.. and I think he’s the fittest guy I’ve set eyes on.

You deserve to be adored by a man who finds you incredibly attractive regardless of any external circumstances.

Post # 65
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

MTmom:  Wow… if all it were was impotence and he was willing to work through it, which you obviously are, then I’d say OK, not ideal but good luck. The name calling and refusal to work through it? Annullment. He lied to you, plain and simple and is blaming YOU for HIS problem. That’s horrid. I can’t imagine a court that wouldn’t straight up give you an annullment. You don’t even have to go the ‘non-consumation’ route which would be nearly impossible to prove nowadays anyway since virginity until marriage is pretty rare, you can go straight up ‘fraud’. He lied to you, and therefore your marriage was set up on a lie, with you being the tricked party. I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 66
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

arabbel:  Ah I see. I jumped to conclusions. It’s still not clear why she’s sure he’s not gay. 

Post # 67
Member
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m betting he’s gay. The OP says she doesn’t think he is, but here’s the thing – I’ve found that many extreamly religious people have a very hard time thinking of someone they percieve as “just as religous” to be gay. I went to a conservative college (although I myself am not that religiously conservative) and have many friends who are pretty conservative. It’s really pretty common. I can’t tell you how many convos I’ve had with friends about people we know and I’ve mentioned them being gay to which my friends have expressed in horror “so and so is NOT gay”. Just because they are also religious doesn’t mean they can’t be gay.

Either way, he’s an ass. He lied, and I would totally get out now while it’s still early.

Post # 68
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think it’s incredibly naive to wait for marriage to have sex in this day and age. Call me cynical, but for god’s sakes, come on. You have to know who you are going to marry before you marry them, and that includes how they are sexually. If you don’t, then be prepared for a potentially huge let-down that can lead to long-term marital unhappiness.

That being said…yes, I agree with everyone else here who think he is gay. Hugely closeted, but gay nonetheless.

Regardless, you have been lied to and you have every right to extricate yourself from this deceptive situation and get an annulment. 

Post # 69
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

I’m thinking he might be gay (in denial/unsure) or asexual.  

Post # 70
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee

… get out, as fast as you can.

If he isn’t even willing to try and satisfy you in other ways and blames you for his problems, the problem is bigger than his ED.

Did he know he had this problem before you got married? Has he seen a doctor?

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 71
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I can’t imagine staying in a relationship with a partner who calls me fat and makes me feel undesired. Regardless of whatever issue is preventing him from being sexual with you that is completely unacceptable behavior. TBH I think trying to decipher that issue is a moot point- even if he had a justification for the impotence that you could work & live with he does not appear to treat you with respect. 

I would not accept that ish from a family member, friend, or ANYONE. Take care of yourself and get the annulment so you can move on with your life. No one deserves that kind of treatment!

Post # 72
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I onced dated a guy who was impotent due to the use of steriods. Thankfully, he did not try to hide it nor did he stop taking steriods. I let him know that sex was very important to me and he would try to do other things to compensate but it was not the same. Eventually, we did split. 

OP, I am sorry that this is happening to you. I would be devastated and very upset if I were you. If he is unwilling to get help then what more will come out of your marriage if sex is important to you? Good luck!

Post # 73
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

Any update on this, I wonder OP?

Post # 74
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

His attitude is the worst! You didn’t do anything (except want to be a wife). That’s really upsetting. As other bees have said, I think annulment is an option because of his attitude. So sad..I’m sorry.

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