Okay, I’m really upset right now, but I’m just going take a deep breath here so I can fill you guys in on what happened. This is probably going to be pretty long, but please bear with me.
As some of you might have gathered from some of my recent posts such as the having a rough weekend one, I’ve been pretty unhappy lately with my relationship. I love my boyfriend (or I guess I should say ex-boyfriend) to pieces, but I was just feeling really depressed lately because I was starting to question whether or not he really feels the same way about me seeing as after 3 years together not only has he not proposed yet but he won’t even make definite plans to live with Dirty Delete and I. I’ve tried telling him so many times lately how 3 years of a long distance relationship was really starting to take it’s toll on me, and that even though I love him so much that I just didn’t think I could take it anymore. I told him I miss him a lot on the days I don’t see him and I really want to be able to see him not just on the weekends but EVERY day. Yet, whenever I tried to talk to him about my unhappiness about things not progressing he’ll either say “I don’t want to talk about this right now” or he’ll say stuff like go ahead and move in with me yet when I try to get him to tell me WHEN he wants Dirty Delete and I to move in with him, he refuses to give me any sort of timeline for that which tells me that he at this point does NOT want us moving in with him.
Because I’ve been so unhappy lately about things not progressing to the point of even living together after 3 years, I’ve actually almost broken up with him a few times recently (which is totally NOT typical for me/us), but I was just starting to get so fed up with the whole situation and becoming really depressed about it. So, I went so far recently as telling him I love you so much, but I just can’t do this anymore, etc., yet he somehow managed to talk me out of actually breaking up with him because he’d be like I love you, I don’t want to break up, just calm down & everything will be fine, etc.
Last night, he came to visit me. We went out for dinner together and then he spent the night at my house. We had sex this morning and then went out to breakfast together (sorry if TMI). Last night and this morning, we did argue somewhat about the whole situation but nothing too bad and then when he left to go home after we went out to breakfast, he was very sweet and loving and kissed goodbye a couple of times and said “I love you”, and I was being all sweet to him too. Before he drove off he said I’ll call you later and then a few hours later (earlier this afternoon), he did call me and was once again being really sweet and loving towards me. In fact, more so than usual lately maybe because we had just had a nice time together a few hours earlier. So, even though I was overall still not real happy about the lack of progress in our relationship, I was actually feeling okay after he called and was being really sweet and loving to me.
A few hours later though (earlier this evening), I was on Facebook and decided to check out his FB page (along with the pages of a few of my other FB friends). I happened to notice right away that it said he had added a new friend who was a female that I’d never heard of or seen before. Now, normally I trust him so wouldn’t have really thought twice about this. However, maybe just because things have been so rocky between us lately I just started feeling really insecure when I saw that. So, I called him up and asked how he knew her, etc. He told me that she’s just an acquaintance (supposedly one of his exgf’s coworkers). He said when he logged into FB, she had sent him a FB request so he went ahead and added her, and he insists that there’s definitely nothing going on between them. Again, I guess just because I’ve been totally stressed out about things with us lately, it’s like something just snapped in my head and I all of sudden felt totally insecure wondering if he was really telling me the truth about this girl or if he god forbid had actually been cheating on me with her. I want so bad to believe that he’s been faithful, and so I really, really hope he was telling me the truth. Anyways, during this phone conversation where I was asking him about how he knows her, etc. he said “I’m getting so sick of you always questioning me about sh*t”! Then right after he said that he hung up on me.
A few minutes later, I decided to go back to his FB page and what I saw just COMPLETELY shocked and devastated me! Instead of seeing his usual FB page, I saw a page like someone else would if they were to do a search for him online. Like it shows just his name, city he lives in, pic and groups he belongs to with “Add this friend” button at the top of the page that you click on to send him a friend request. As soon as I saw that, I realized right away that the only way I’d be seeing that sort of page instead of his usual FB page is if he had actually DELETED me from his friends list!! So, I called him right up and asked him why in the world did you delete me off your friends list and he said “we need a break”. I told him that I do NOT do breaks and that he’s either with me 110% or not at all. He told me no I’m not saying I want to break up, I just think we need a break from each other for awhile since we’ve been arguing a lot. He said if you do a search for me on FB, you’ll see that I didn’t change my status to single, I just changed it from in a relationship with you so that know that area is just blank and doesn’t show my relationship status at all. He said I did that instead of changing it to single because I don’t want to a break up, we just need to take a break right now. Once again, I told him I will NOT agree to a break. Maybe because he’s managed to talk me out of breaking up with him before, I think he might be thinking that this is no big deal. That I’ll “allow” him to have his “break” and then if’when he wants to get back together with me, I’ll be right there waiting for him. Newsflash to him though is that is just NOT going to happen. We already went through something very similar to this last summer where we ended up breaking up for a few months, and once I finally got totally fed up with his sh*t like telling me he really wanted us to get back together but just wasn’t “ready” quiet yet and I finally stopped talking to him, within 5 days of no contact he was like a complete blubbering mess calling me up like constantly crying and begging for me back and like a fool I agreed to go back out with him and believed him when he said I know now I want to marry you and if you’ll go back out with me I promise we’ll be engaged within 1 to 3 months at the very most! Well, it’s been 8 months since we got back together and we’re still not engaged AND he wont’ even commit to having Dirty Delete and I live with him.
Please help me be strong ladies and remind me of all the reasons why I should NOT call him or text him and that I shouldn’t respond to him if he contacts me. Part of me wants so bad to call him right now, but I know that would probably be a big mistake. I actually already “messed up” by sending him a few texts after the last phone conversation we had earlier tonight and before that he tried calling me once while I was on the other line with my mom and I didn’t bother switching over to him or calling him back. Here’s what the last few texts he sent me said…
“I just can’t deal with the stress”, “I’m just stressed by everything right now”
Here’s what my last text to him said (sent to him about an hour ago and still haven’t heard back from him again yet:
“I know you suggested a break but I definitely don’t do breaks. Breaks r stupid. U should either be with someone 110% or not at all! So, I guess it’s really over between us and for good this time. In my ENTIRE LIFE (other than DD), I’ve NEVER loved anyone as much as I love you! Too bad you obviously don’t feel the same way about me since after 3 years together ur still not sure whether or not u want 2 marry me or even just live with me. Goodbye (his name)”.